Best Jokes and Puns

All types of funny jokes, jokes for kids, jokes for adults, knock Knock jokes, doctor jokes, religion jokes, marriage jokes, cheating jokes, animal jokes, puns, one liners, dirty jokes, silly jokes, police jokes, prison jokes and many more.

Three Injured Soldiers
A rough old general has heard about a unit with the toughest soldiers around and decides to visit them. After reviewing the troops on parade he visits the medical tent to meet the soldiers. The general barks at the first soldier, "Why are you here, soldier?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir!" "And how are you treating that?" "Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!" "And what's your goal in life?" "To kill the enemy Sir!" Impressed, the general asks the next soldier, "Why are you here?" "Genital warts, Sir!" "And how are you treating it?" "Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!" "And what's your goal in life?" "To kill the enemy, Sir!" Once again the general is impressed and moves on to the last soldier. "And why are you here?" "Gum disease, Sir!" "And how are you treating it?" "Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!" "And what's your goal in life?" "To beat these other two to the wire brush, Sir!"
The Exahuasted Prisoner
A woman visits her husband in prison. They have a long talk, and then the guard tells them their time is over. The woman gets up to leave, but before she reaches the door, she turns to the correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work so hard, he's exhausted!" The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, all he does is eat, sleep, and sit in his cell. He doesn't even go outside in the yard!" "Don't you lie to me!" Said the wife hotly, "He just told me he's been digging a tunnel every day for months!"
Or What?
A man tells his therapist that his wife hasn't had s*x with him in six months. The therapist then has the wife come in, and asks her why she doesn't want to have s*x with her husband any more. The woman tells him, "For the past six months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take 'or what.'" By this time I'm late for work so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write you up for being late or what?' I need the job, so I take 'or what.'" At the end of the day I take the cab and I still don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so I take 'or what.'" "So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm exhausted and my husband asks me: "Are we going to have s*x or what?" So again I choose the what..."
A Cheap Hand
A man lost his hand in a war and goes to a shop to purchase a prosthetic hand. He enters the shop and explains his situation, the salesman directs him to their selection and picks up the first prosthetic hand. "This is one of our highest quality prosthetic hands, will feel as close to having the touch in your fingers as you were prior the incident. It costs $1,500". "No thank you, that is too expensive for me.", says the war vet, "Do you have anything cheaper?" The man nods his head and picks up the next prosthetic hand. "This one is almost as good as the other one, it has received multiple high reviews from our customers. It costs $900". Again the man argues, "No thank you, that is too expensive still, do you have anything else?". The salesman nods his head and picks up the last prosthetic arm on the rack. "This is our cheapest prosthetic arm, it costs $650, however we only have it in a green color". The vet again responds, "No thank you, that is still too expensive and I despise the color green." The salesman, out of options, tells the man, "Across the road there is an old man close to death selling his prosthetic hand, from the old man you can go and buy your third hand second hand first hand".
Little Old Rambo
A police officer pulls over a little old lady for a minor traffic violation and asks for her license and registration. As she opens her wallet, the officer notices the handle of a gun in her purse. "Ma'am," he asks warily, "Is that a gun?" "Yes, Officer," she replies sweetly. "It's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver." "Okay," the officer says, taking a step back. "Please place that purse on the passenger seat and don't make any sudden moves. Do you have any other weapons I should know about?" "Well," she says, "There is a Colt 1911 automatic in the glove compartment." "Okay," the officer says, now visibly nervous. "Let's just stay away from that side of the car. Anything else?" "I do have a .22 Derringer in my bra," she admits. "But it's just a little peashooter. Wouldn't hurt a fly." The officer sighs, wiping sweat from his forehead. "Ma'am, do you have any other weapons?" "Just a Mossberg 12-gauge pump action and an AK-47 in the trunk," she says matter-of-factly. The officer stares at her in disbelief. He pauses for a long moment, trying to process the arsenal this sweet old lady is carrying. "Ma'am," he finally asks, "You have a revolver, a pistol, a derringer, a shotgun, and an assault rifle. What are you so afraid of?" The old lady looks him dead in the eye. "Not a goddamn thing."
The Coach's New Child
Three NHL coaches are waiting outside the delivery unit as their wives are all in labor. After many hours, a nurse comes out to see the first coach. "Your wife just finished giving birth! Both she and the baby are fine! A healthy baby boy!" the nurse said. "But... I've never seen a baby like yours..." "What do you mean?" the coach asked. "Well," the nurse replied, "your son growled and clawed at us like a... like a wild cat..." When the coach heard this, they chuckled before replying, "Well, that makes sense! After all, I work for the Florida Panthers!" The husband then follows the nurse to see their wife and son, and after a while they come out to see the second coach. "I'm so happy to tell you that your wife had a beautiful daughter! Yet her behavior is also... very peculiar..." "How so?" the coach asked. "Well, you see," the nurse became hesitant to reply, "they started... quacking... almost like they were-" "A duck?" the coach interrupted. "Well... Yes..." the nurse confirmed. The coach could only laugh in response. "Well what do you know?!" they beamed. "She really is the daughter of the coach of the Anaheim Ducks!" But while the second coach was gleeful, the third coach was white in the face, and immediately began to rush out of the delivery unit. "Where you do think you're going?" the nurse asked. "To call an exorcist!" the third coach yelled out. "I'm the coach of the New Jersey Devils!"
The Long-Living Cowboy
A cowboy was coming to the end of his life at the age of 101 years old. He great grandson visits him and asks "Grandpappy, how did you do it? You are from a time with poor health care and disease, how did you make it all the way to 101?". "Well, I dont rightly know" says the cowboy. "The only thing I can think of is every morning for breakfast I have a bowl of porridge, I take out one of my bullets, break it open and sprinkle the gunpowder over it. Maybe that did it." The young man thinks on this and decides it cant really hurt. So from that day onwards every morning he would start his day with a bowl of porridge with a spinkle of gunpowder on it. Amazingly he lived to the ripe old age of 107 years old. He left behind six children, 19 grandchildren, 74 great grand children... and a 10ft hole in the crematorium wall.
The Riverside High
By the river, next to a farm, there sits the "black cow" of the herd, smoking weed. A beaver swims up to her and asks: ‘Hey, cow, what are you doing?’ ‘I’m smoking weed.’ said the cow. ‘Give me some; I’ve never smoked before…’ exclaimed the beaver. The cow relinquished the joint, the beaver inhaled the smoke and immediately exhaled it. The cow replies, ‘No no, not like that! Look: you’re inhaling the smoke and holding it in your lungs for a long time. Besides, swim downstream for a bit, come back here, and then exhale. And I’m telling you, you'll really enjoy it.’ They did as planned. The beaver inhaled, swam underwater to the other side of the river, and after a few moments, felt quite bizarre. He came ashore, flopped down on the grass, and slumped. A hippo approached him and asked, ‘Hey, beaver, what are you doing?’ ‘Ah, see, hippo, I’m super high…’ ‘Give me some stuff; I want some too.’ said the bored hippo excitedly ‘Swim across to the other side to the cow - she will share some with you.’ The hippo swam upstream and came ashore, and as he approached the now-napping cow, she popped her eyes open and screamed: ‘Beaver, for goodness sake, LET SOME AIR OUT!’
The Bee Transporter
A man is doing 20 over the speed limit on the highway when a cop pulls him over. The man rolls his window down as the cop approaches, who says, "Sir, any reason you're driving so fast?" "Well," the guy says, "I've recently decided to try beekeeping, and I need to get the bees in my trunk home A.S.A.P." The officer squints. "You have bees in your trunk?" "I'm still new to bee keeping, sir. I didn't know where else to put them," he says. In disbelief, the cop says, "You're lying. Pop the trunk." "Do I have to?" the guy asks. "Do it or I'm writing you up for reckless driving and obstruction," the officer says. So the man pops the trunk. A thick cloud of angry wasps explodes out. The cop makes a break for it as they swarm him, and as he flees he cries, "You said you had bees!" And the guy leans out his window and goes, "Those aren't bees!?"
The Radio Announcement
On a freezing cold winter morning, a blonde and her husband were having breakfast when the radio announcer said: “We’re expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.” Being the helpful wife she is, she bundled up and moved her car. Next week, same scenario - radio says: “10 to 12 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the odd-numbered side.” Out she goes again, moving that car like a champ. Week three: They’re sipping coffee when the radio announcer begins, “We’re expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and you must park…” And POOF - the power goes out! The blonde looks panicked and says, “Oh no! I don’t know which side to move the car to now!” With the calm patience only a man married to a blonde could master, her husband lovingly says, “Sweetheart… why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
The Mightiest Animal
A lion was walking proudly through the savanna, his head held high surveying the land before him. He comes across a boar, who cowers at the sight of him. "Hey, boar, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion. "You, sir, of course", said the fearful boar. "Correct", said the lion, and moved on. He then comes across an antelope. "Hey, antelope, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion. "Y-y-ou, s-s-ir", said the trembling antelope. "Darn right!", said the lion, and moved on. He then comes across an elephant. "Hey, elephant, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion. The elephant, without saying a word, grabs the lion with his trunk, spins him around, and tosses him into a nearby muddy watering hole. The lion slowly crawls out, mud dripping, and mutters under his breath, "The temper some animals have... he could have just said, 'I don't know!'"
The Phone Call From Microsoft
I had a phone conversation this morning with a very nice young fella from India. This is how it went: "Hello sir, how are you today?" "I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?" "Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft". "Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in India? How's the weather there today?" " No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -" "REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......" "Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you-" "No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer". "You don't?" "I don't". "Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -" "Don't have one". "Ipad?" "Nope". "Tablet?" "Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone". After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!" I said "Well, you started it!!" and hung up.
In Mysterious Ways
An elderly woman rushed to the pharmacy to pick up medication, but when she returned to her car, she realized she had locked her keys inside. Looking around, she spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.” So she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.” Just minutes later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the lot. A bearded man in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?” She explained, “My daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?” The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked. Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!" The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft." The woman hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a professional!"
Golfing With the Brother-In-Law
After many years of work, Jack retired and started playing golf. He was at the course almost every day, but after a few years, he stopped. When his wife asked why, he told her: "My eyesight has deteriorated. I hit the ball, but I have no idea where it flies. It takes all the fun out of it." The wife thought for a moment and said: "Ask my brother Nathan to help you. He's eighty-five, but his vision is excellent." Jack raised an eyebrow. "Do you really think so?" "Don't worry," she said, "Nathan sees like a hawk!" The next day, Jack and Nathan went to the golf course together. Jack positioned himself at the first tee and hit the ball straight into the trees off the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" he asked his brother-in-law. "Of course!" said Nathan proudly. Jack tried again, and this time the golf ball flew over a distant hill. "Did you see where the ball went?" he asked. "Yes," answered Nathan, "I saw exactly where it went." Jack, satisfied and ready to move on, asked, "Where do I need to go to collect the first 2 balls?" "No idea." answered his brother-in-law. "What do you mean, 'no idea'?" asked Jack angrily, "I thought you saw everything!" "I saw," said Nathan, "but I don't remember..."
Tarzan's Injuries
Tarzan of the Apes was fighting a Lion in Africa. He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his penis. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed. They gave him the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant’s trunk for a penis. A couple weeks pass and a chimp comes by to ask Tarzan how his new parts are. Tarzan says “Eye, make Tarzan see far!” “Arm, make Tarzan strong!” “But Tarzan no like new wee-wee!!” The chimp asks “why not?” Tarzan makes a curling motion with his arm, mimicking an elephant’s trunk and says, “It keeps picking weeds and shoving them up Tarzan’s ass!”
The Lost Ticket
Fellow shows up at the local dry cleaner's, looking somewhat sheepish. "I'm really sorry to bother you with this," he says, "but I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old ticket for a suit I brought in to be cleaned five years ago! It must have fallen out of my pocket and it has been sitting in the back of my closet gathering dust since then! Would you by any chance still have the suit?" The dry cleaner looks at the ticket and says he will go to the back of the shop to look. Fellow hears the dry cleaner rummaging around in the back for about twenty minutes. Finally, the dry cleaner emerges, covered in dust, but with a triumphant smile on his face. "You won't believe it," says the dry cleaner, "but I have good news for you!" "Oh my goodness!" says the fellow. "You mean you actually found it?" "Yep!" Said the dry cleaner proudly: "It'll be ready next Tuesday!"
The New Farmhand
A farmer hires a new hand. He looks a little slow, but strong as an ox. He tells him "Toss these hay bales in the tractor", and he does, no problem. He tells him "Put these fence posts into the dirt", and he mallets them in faster than the farmer ever had. He then trusted the young man enough to take care of the toughest task on the farm. "Hold down the cow and insert this suppository. It's for Mad Cow disease." and hands him a pill the size of a red bull can. 10 minutes later, looking worn out and wobbly on his feet, the farmhand returns. "Haha Did Ol Bess put up a fight?", asked the farmer with a grin. "No...'", the young man said, concernedly, "...she just stared at me like I was crazy. But that pill hurt like the dickens!"
The Monocle Debacle
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
Don't Be Mean to Nurses
A high-powered attorney ended up in the hospital for a few days - and let’s just say, he was not the ideal patient. He barked orders, whined about everything, and treated the nurses like they worked for him personally. Most of the staff had just about had it with him... except the head nurse. She’d seen it all - and she wasn’t about to take any nonsense. One morning, she marched into his room and said, “I need to take your temperature.” He groaned, huffed, and puffed for five solid minutes, then finally opened his mouth like he was doing her a favor. “Oh no,” the nurse said with a sweet smile. “This reading can’t be done orally.” More complaining. More whining. But finally, with a dramatic sigh, he rolled over and presented the royal backside. She inserted the thermometer and said, “Perfect. Now, don’t move - I’ll be right back.” Then she walked out… and left the door WIDE open. People passed by. Some snickered. Others laughed out loud. The attorney stewed in silent humiliation. Twenty minutes later, the doctor walked in, took one look, and blinked. “What on earth is going on here?” he asked. The attorney, red-faced and furious, snapped, “Well?! Haven’t you ever seen someone getting their temperature taken?!” The doctor paused, tilted his head, and said… “Sure… just never with a ballpoint pen.”
First-Floor Temptation
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them. Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!" Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind." The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment. Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!" Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!" Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?" Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!" Jerry ignores him and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside. The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!" "Crap!" Jerry exclaims. "Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes." Because the husband stays home, Jerry spends the entire day ironing. The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!" "I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before."
The Shlemiel and His Rabbi
A young shlemiel was having breakfast, but after smearing goosefat on his bread, he accidentally jogged it with his elbow, and it fell to the floor. Miraculously, it landed goosefat side UP! Now, everybody knows that when you drop a piece of smeared bread, it always lands goosefat side down. The shlemiel was amazed, so he tried it again. And again, it landed goosefat side up. Eight more times he tried it, and eight more times the miracle occurred. Excitedly, he ran to the rabbi and told him. The rabbi, stubborn and skeptical, refused to believe such nonsense. “Show me,” he demanded. The shlemiel dropped the bread once, twice, a dozen times, and each time it landed goosefat side up. The rabbi scowled. He stroked his beard, paced the room, and shook his head. After hours of watching, he finally declared: “This is no miracle. The explanation is simple.” The villagers asked, “Rabbi, how can that be? We all saw it!” The rabbi replied, “The boy, being a shlemiel, smeared the goosefat on the wrong side of the bread!"
A Lion in the Way
On an RAF station in East Africa in the early 1930s, the Station Commander somehow managed to get hold of a very elderly lion, nearly blind, with hardly a tooth in his head. He called it "Clarence", and with care and gentle management Clarence became quite friendly and rather a pet for everyone on the whole squadron. One morning a newly-arrived member of the squadron was going up for exercises and noticed the runway was blocked by a familiar-looking shape stretched out in a snooze halfway along it. He tried blipping the throttle a few times but the lion paid no attention, so after a while the pilot got down, jogged up to the animal and yelled "GET OUT OF THE WAY!", reinforcing it with the toe of his well-polished uniform shoe. The lion opened one eye blearily, gave him an offended look, then lumbered to its feet and slunk off into the long grass. Landing after half an hour of circuits and bumps, the pilot picked up the nearest phone and called the CO's office. "Sir," he complained, "I wish you'd keep that lion of yours under control. I had to shoo him off the runway before I could take off just now!" "What the hell are you blathering on about?" responded the CO. "Clarence has been napping under my desk all morning!"
The Magic Words
A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy. The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in. When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?" "No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?" "Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"
On Laxative Time
A man suffers from terrible constipation, and decides to go to his doctor. After the man describes his sorrowful condition, the doctor decides to prescribe him a laxative. He grabs a paper and a pencil and starts doing some calculations. He asks the man, "How are you gonna go home?", to which the man replies "I'll walk." The doctor then tell him there's a public toilet just 10 minutes away. He takes into account the man's speed of walking, how near the toilet is, whether it may be occupied and so on. After carefully calculating something for a solid 15 minutes, he measures a precise amount of the laxative and asks the man to consume it in the clinic itself, and tells him to immediately leave for his home, and report back on the status of success later on. 30 minutes later, the man comes back to the doctor's office with a very uncomfortable expression on his face, and walking weirdly. He says "Doc, the laxative worked quite well, but... do you have 50 cents?''
The Woodcutter's Lost Axe
One day, a woodcutter was chopping trees by the river when suddenly his axe fell into the water. He began to cry. At that moment, the landowner happened to pass by and asked why he was crying. The woodcutter explained that his axe, which he used to make a living, had fallen into the river. The landowner went into the water and came out holding an axe made of gold and diamonds. He asked the woodcutter, “Is this your axe?” “No,” replied the woodcutter. The landowner went into the water again and came out with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” he asked. “No,” said the woodcutter. The landowner went in a third time and came out with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” “Yes!” the woodcutter replied happily. The landowner was so pleased to find such an honest man that he gave him all three axes. The woodcutter went home full of joy. A few days later, the woodcutter and his wife went walking by the river. Suddenly, his wife fell into the water. Again the woodcutter began to cry, and again the landowner appeared and asked why. “My wife fell into the river!” said the miserable woodcutter. The landowner went into the water and came out with Audrey Hepburn at her prime. “Is this your wife?” he asked. “Yes!” said the woodcutter. “You lied to me!” shouted the landowner, furious. “Please understand,” replied the woodcutter. “If I had said no, you would have come out with Scarlett Johansson or some such. And if I had said no again, you would have brought out my real wife, and then I would have said yes. That way you would have given me all three! But I’m a poor man – I can’t take care of three women. So I said yes right away to Audrey…” Moral of the story: You may need more than one axe, but not more than one woman...
Late Night Canine Advice
A woman's dog came in one day in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and her other dog separated. But she had a large house and believed that she could keep the two apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep that night, she heard growling sounds, and rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, unable to disengage (as frequently happens when dogs mate). Unable to separate them, perplexed as to what to do next, and although very late at night, she called her vet. "Yes?", he answered in a b grumpy voice. She proceeded to explain the situation to him. The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I'll call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and withdraw". "Really, do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me."
A Cheater's Fate
A woman has an affair and cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out." Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning." The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it." The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God. One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again: "God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?" She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
The Outhouse Problem
Ma and Pa were two old folks living out on a farm up in the hills last century. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.” So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College grajute, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.” The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.” Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right?” As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Canadian Girls in Australia
A couple of pretty gals from Canada decide to travel to Australia over the winter to get a break from 40 below, ice and snow. They're sitting at a club in Perth, enjoying the sunshine and sipping on a cold drink. Two of the local lads see them and one says "Hey, why don't you ask those pretty ladies over to join us?" "My pleasure!" Hos buddy says and walks over to them saying, "G'day, ladies, haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?" One of the women looks up with a big smile and proudly says "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan!" He looks at them, blinks a couple of times and walks away. He goes back to his buddy who says "Are the ladies coming over, or should we join them over there?" His friend replies "Nah. They don't speak any English."
Dad's Crushing Comeback
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring. Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?” Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. I knew he’d have a good one, and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied: “Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”
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