If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?
"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.