I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.