Jokes > Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Jokes that are about lawyers and judges, or take place in a courtroom or trial.

A Senior in Court
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
The Surprise Return
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but no body had been found. When giving the closing statement, his high-flying lawyer knew there was a good chance of him being convicted. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” said the lawyer. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” And she turned and pointed at the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt - I saw all of you stare at the door!!” “Oh, we did." replied the jury foreman. "But your client didn’t.”
The Special Deal
A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside. It reads: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh, this is kerosene!' Doctor: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Doctor: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Doctor: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Doctor: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.'
Who Gets the Parachute?
An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when the pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death, the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes. Social Worker: "I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance." The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft. Lawyer: "I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge." The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft. Doctor: "I deserve to live because I help diagnose ill people with my specialized training." The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft. This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with it descending toward the ground. Old man: "Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an old man who doesn't have as many years left." Schoolboy: "Don't worry, we can both take a parachute. Look, there are still two left." The old man’s just stares in shock. "Wha...what... but those three..." "Remember the lawyer with the sharp wit and the massive knowledge? He took my school backpack."
The Farmer's Trial
A farmer named Rick had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Rick. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Rick responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Rick said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Rick's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now, what the heck would YOU say?"
A Corpse-less Murder Trial
This story begins in a courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally, the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
The Prejudiced Juror
A man wanted to be dismissed from jury duty, but none of his excuses worked. So on the day of the trial, he asked to approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant." "Oh?" the judge asked. "Yes!" the man replied. "I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's 100% guilty.' So, your Honor, I couldn't possibly be on this jury!" The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are seeking--a good judge of character." The man protested, "How can you say that?" "Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."
You Can't Take It With You.
An old miser was close to dying. Due to his terrible cheapness, he had no friends nor family. Just before he died, he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed. "I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in." Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave." The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed. The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount."
The Big City Lawyer and the Prize Bull
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."
The Lucky Find
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million... and I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
The Priest, the Rabbi and the Monk
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gambling. They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first, "Did you play poker yesterday?" The priest mumbles a quick 'Lord forgive me' and answered "No." The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, "Did you play poker yesterday?" The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear "No." Finally the judge turns to the Buddhist monk and tells him, "So you are a Buddhist monk, I know for a fact that you are absolutely forbidden to lie to me! Did YOU play poker yesterday?" The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks "How could I possibly play poker all by myself?"
A Choice of the Heart
A patient who needs a heart transplant suddenly gets a phone call from his surgeon. "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?" The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart." "Are you sure??" Asks the surgeon in surprise. "Yea, I'd rather have one that hasn't been used."
Inheritance Confessions
An arrogant, rich man passed away one day In his will, he entrusted $100,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death. On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetery together. The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $80,000." The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $30,000 for myself and only put in $70,000." The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $100,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"
Blonde vs. Lawyer
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
The Honest Judge
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge!" "I see, good to know." said his client. Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer "But I did send them." said his client. "What?? You did?" asked the shocked lawyer. "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said his lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
The Lawyer and the Grass-Eaters
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men: "Why are you eating the grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children! "Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."
A Trustworthy Lawyer
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. Excited at her runaway success, she began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty..." Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." Bowled over by the apparent honor of the applicant she exclaimed: "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted: "He sued me for the money."
How About That Duck, Sir?!?
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "You can have the duck."
The Rabbi, Holy Man and the Lawyer
Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood... The pig and the cow.
The Divorce Court
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce. He asks her: "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. Damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
The Old Lady Shoplifter
An old lady gets caught shoplifting. On court day the lady and her husband who goes stand before the judge and she says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches." The judge thinks on this and comes to a decision. "How many peaches where in the can?" "Six." says the old lady. "Then you shall serve six days in jail." Decrees the judge. "Do you have anything to add?" "Ah, your honor?" Her husband suddenly raises his hand. "She stole a can of peas too."
Atheists Need a Holiday
An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!" The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate his own atheist holiday!" The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?" The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"
Dividing Dad's Buildings
A very sick man is lying in bed. He realizes he doesn't have much time left, so he asks his nurse to bring his wife, daughter, and both sons to him, as well as witnesses and a camera to record his last wishes. When all are assembled, their eyes misty and their faces drawn, he begins to speak. "My son, Sam, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses." "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier." "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound. The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says: "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property." The wife just grunts. "The a**hole has a paper route".
In My Defense...
Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?" Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old." Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me." Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?" Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly." Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?" Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh." Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?" Little Old Lady: "No, I didn’t stop him." Defense Attorney: "Why not?" Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that to me since my Albert died some 30 years ago." Defense Attorney: "What happened next?" Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts." Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?" Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him." Defense Attorney: "Why not?" Little Old Lady: "It made me feel alive. I haven’t felt that good in years!" Defense Attorney: "What happened next?" Little Old Lady:" Well, by then, I was feeling a little hot and bothered, so I asked him to come closer." Defense Attorney: "And did he?" Little Old Lady: "Well, he came closer.... and then yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot the bastard."
10th Time Lucky?
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but why?" "Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
How to Turn a Nice Profit
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." "No," she says. "I just want to sleep." He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks. She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks. He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?" She hands him 5 dollars.
A Lawyer's Priorities...
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden, an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed. Because he knew that no matter how much a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a policeman came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY BMW'S DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed. "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am. But what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked. "HA!" the policeman replied. "You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed: "MY ROLEX!!"
Life in the Fertilized Egg Business
Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result... The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
A Volunteer to Mars
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and they could never return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “You convince them I'm the best candidate. I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
The Fussy Judge
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they said they didn't, He sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in wrong -- with his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.  This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they caught the clerk... and after five reissued licenses, the judge was finally satisfied.  Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be, putting it delicately, technical bastards."  Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
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