Jokes > Car Jokes

Car Jokes

Jokes that take place in cars or involve driving a car

Never Underestimate a Senior
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Onlookers were completely shocked at the men's behavior, but the old man didn't seem to be fazed in the slightest. Without a word of protest, he quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
A Sudden Confession
A woman driver is speeding along the highway, when suddenly she gets stopped by a police car which instructs her to pull over. Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?" Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding." Woman: "Oh, I see." Officer: "Can I see your license please?" Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." Officer: "Don't have one?" Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving." Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please." Woman: "I can't do that." Officer: "Why not?" Woman: "I stole this car." Officer: "Stole it?" Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." Officer: "You what?" Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Sargent: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: "Is there a problem sir?" Sargent: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." Woman: "Murdered the owner?" Sargent: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please." The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Sargent: "Is this your car, ma'am?" Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The first officer is stunned. Sargent: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license." The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Sargent: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." Woman: "I bet the bastard will say I was speeding too."
The $15 Porsche
A 16 year old teen comes home with a Porsche. His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” Demanded his Father. “I know how much a Porsche costs!” “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.” The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked. “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be mentally ill! Who knows what she will do next? Paul, you go right up there and see what’s going on. And you my son should be ashamed of taking advantage!” So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and asked her what happened. “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Surprising the Taxi Driver
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. I've been a driver for 25 years but today is my very first day driving a cab." "What did you drive before that?" "A hearse."
The Cheapest Porsche
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
The Wife's Warning
As Chester left a pottery class, he desperately gave himself a personal TSA pat down. He was looking for his keys. They were not in his pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly he realized that he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he headed for the parking lot. Chester’s wife, Sally, had scolded him many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. Chester’s theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Sally’s theory is that the car will be stolen. As Chester burst through the doors, he came to a terrifying conclusion: Sally’s theory was right. The parking lot was empty. He immediately called the police. He gave them his location, confessing that he had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen. Then Chester made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," he stammered (He always calls her "honey" in times like these) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. Chester thought the call had been dropped, but then he heard Sally’s voice. "Chester!" she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was his time to be silent. Embarrassed, he said, "Well, come and get me." "I will!" Sally retorted, "Just as soon as I convince this cop to take off the handcuffs!"
Those Mourning Words
Three buddies are out driving around in a sports car. It's all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection. Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly. Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!!'"
I Can't Manage That Test!
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my behind to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
Going Under the Speed Limit
Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two in the front and 3 in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t going over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?" "Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over." "Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!"
The Priests, the Car and the Warning
Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church. As they see the car they wave their hands and point at a sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!" The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away! Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash! One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"
The Cat Navigator
There was a man who couldn't stand his wife's cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house. He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened. The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. 'This is impossible,' said the man to himself, 'tomorrow I'll make sure he can't come back!' The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn - right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home. A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It's the husband, and he asks: "Is the cat there?" "Why, yes." says the wife, "he's been here quite a while, where are you?" "Put that bastard on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
The Drunk Driver and the Police Officer
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," declared the man with pride. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The Dolphin Trainer
An elderly man rear ends a young man driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!” “Oh my” says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do." "Dolphins...", the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. "So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp. So you better train those dolphins to bring you some cash!" "I’ll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly ten minutes later a pickup truck pulls up. A huge guy hops out and proceeds to walk calmly towards the bully. Before the enraged young man can speak, the man smoothly rams his head against the other man's forehead. The bully crumples like paper and the other man catches him, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he’s finished, he walks over to the old man and says: “For the last time dad... I train seals... Navy Seals…. NOT dolphins.”
The Nun and the Cabby
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK," the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."
Get Out of My Car
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida): An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable!
The Gasing Nun
In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday. Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
Gyno Turned Mechanic
After 20 years of work, a successful gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and decided that, even though this is all he knew, he would seek new career for himself. Hoping to try a career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic, as working in a garage is always something he thought he might be good at. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
The Dangers of Drinking and Driving
I would like to share a personal experience I had about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DWI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well recently, it happened to me. I was out for the night to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather lovely red wine. It was held at a great Italian restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi. The real surprise to me was that I had never driven a taxi before. Not sure where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. If you want to borrow it, give me a call.
The Chinese Complaint
A Chinese man comes to Los Angeles for a holiday. He arrives at LAX and gets a cab to take him to his hotel. On the way he sees a few buses, and he says to the taxi driver: "The buses here are so noisy and really slow... In China the buses are very fast!" The taxi driver says nothing. Later the Chinese tourist sees a marine with a few boats sailing by. He comments again to the driver: "The boats here are so slow... in China the boats are very fast!" The driver kept silent and drove. When they get to the hotel, the Chinese tourist gets out of the taxi and askes for the meter reading. The driver calmly tells him the price, and the man is startled. "Are you kidding?" he yells, "Your buses are so slow, the boats are so slow. If everything else here is so slow then how come the meter of your taxi is so fast?!?" The driver gives him a smile and says: "It's made in China."
Am I Losing My Mind?
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine. Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost." "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied in the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know cr*p about cars."
This Old Lady Adheres to Road Signs
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
The Right Gear for the Occasion
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
Blonds Don't Make the Best Helpers
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” “How about 50 dollars?” said the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the 50 dollars. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari!”
Windows vs. Ford
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: "If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
The Blondes, The Brunettes and the Tour Bus
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Three Drunks and the World's Fastest Taxi
Three drunken guys entered a taxi after a heavy night of drinking. Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them. He started the engine, turned it off again and said: “We have reached your destination". “Alright pal, here you go,” said the first guy as he gave him the money. The second guy thanked him enthusiastically. The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force. "What was that for?" Yelled the surprised driver, thinking he was caught. "Next time don't go so fast! You nearly killed us!"
The Angry Passenger
A man stepped onto the overnight train and asked to speak to the conductor. Upon meeting him, the passenger told the conductor, "I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I'm a deep sleeper and can be kinda grouchy when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here's $100 to make sure!" The conductor agreed and they shook hands. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York. Furious, he collared the conductor. "I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!" "Wow," another passenger said to his traveling companion. "Is that guy angry!" "Yeah," his companion replied. "Still... not half as angry as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia."
Officer, Why Did It Have to Be Me?
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was promptly greeted by the wail of a siren and flashing lights. Cursing his luck, the man immediately knew what was coming, so he slowed down and pulled over. The officer got out of his cruiser, as calm as can be, and walked over to the man's car. He handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *only I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
You're Never Too Old to Race
A hip young man goes out and buys himself an expensive car: A Ferrari 599 GTO. It costs him almost $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "It’s a Ferrari 599 GTO. It cost nearly half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car is a limited edition model!” the young guy says proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly - whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction. It looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How can a moped outrun a Ferrari!?" But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka- blaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it turns out to be the old man on the moped after all! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers: "Please... unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror."
The Emergency Situation
A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer. "Well, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.
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