Jokes > Stupidity > Blond Jokes

Blond Jokes

Jokes about blonds being dumb, stupid, confused and sometimes - smart!

Her Husband's Great Idea
It was George the Mailman’s last day. As he did his final rounds he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by an elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars. But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blond wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and made mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn't mind. She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hash browns. George was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup. Curious, he asks the blond, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything..but…what’s the dollar for?” “Oh,” says the blond, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’ She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was MY idea!”
The Blond Gambler
A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin. "I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!" The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement. She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears. The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?" "I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..." Conclusions: 1. Not every gamble relies on luck. 2. Not all blondes are stupid. 3. But men - are always MEN!
An Unfair but Fair Trick
Michael, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Michael says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Michael placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Michael, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Michael replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Michael took the money.
The Blonde Model and the Co-Pilot
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class. The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.  The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York."  Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy. Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”  The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear. She immediately got up and said, "Okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.  The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.  He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."
Blonde vs. Lawyer
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Two Sisters and a Ranch
Many years ago there were two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, who inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."
The Right Gear for the Occasion
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
The Blind Guy at the Bar
A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” “Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Blonds Don't Make the Best Helpers
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” “How about 50 dollars?” said the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the 50 dollars. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari!”
The Lonely Child
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 14-year-olds. On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing soccer. She watches as they all get together and starts playing. However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok?" she says kindly. "Yes." he says. "You can go and play with the other kids you know." she says encouragingly. "It’s best I stay here." he says. "Why’s that sweetie?" asks the compassionate teacher. The boy gives her a weird look and says, “Because I’m the Goalie.”
The Young Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes. Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling: "You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little a**hole on your lap!"
Making a Point
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that fact. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. "I'm great!" She replies. "What are you doing?" "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are stupid. So I painted the house!" "That's wonderful, honey. Thank you!" He beams. "Just one question, though, "why are you wearing your ski jacket over your fur coat?" "Well, I wanted to be thorough, and the directions on the paint can say: "For best results, put on two coats.""
The Blondes, The Brunettes and the Tour Bus
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
The Blond Detective
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad - the new blond recruit, wants the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Chad, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. perhaps he has a creative mind. "Now Chad, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "Hey Chad! How was it?" "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
How to Avoid Execution
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
Blondes Put to the Test
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds, then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers: "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE. Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated by this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it - it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
This Book is So Dull!
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and, screaming, said, “I have a complaint!” “How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her. “I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!” Puzzled by her complaint, the librarian asked: “What was wrong with it?” “It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde. "Ahhhhh," nodded the librarian. "So you're the person who took our phone book."
The Rumor Spreader
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ." No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.” Again, all were quiet. Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up with her head bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
How to Turn a Nice Profit
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." "No," she says. "I just want to sleep." He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks. She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks. He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?" She hands him 5 dollars.
The Human Lightbulb
Two blondes are working at a warehouse. One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.” She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!” “What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO HOME!” shouts the boss. The second blonde picks up her tool bag and heads towards the door. “Where in the HELL do you think you’re going??” the boss exclaims. “What? I can’t be expected work in the dark!”
What a Thermos Does
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf. She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos." The blonde then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold." The blonde says, "Oh! I could use something like that!! I'll take it!" The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, "I just got this yesterday, isn't it wonderful! It's a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!" The boss asks, "So what do you have in it?" The blonde replies, "Some coffee and a popsicle."
Follow the Plow
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
Topics of Conversation
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.  He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.  So let's talk."  The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"  "Oh, I don't know," says the guy. Wanting to impress her, he says: "How about nuclear power?"  "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.  Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"  The guy is dumbfounded.  Finally, he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know jack sh*t??"
A Blonde By Any Other Name
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." So she left again and came back with a hat, a fake nose and with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV." But the salesman still said: "sorry, we don't sell to blondes." Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde?!" she asked. "Because that's a microwave."
An Overweight Blonde Visits a Doctor...
A blonde became terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" The doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from skipping everywhere."
A Blonde in Louisiana
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
The Italian and the Insatiable Woman
An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After they are done the Italian sits back pleased. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?” After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So….....please.... you FINISH?” “No no, I’m Swedish!” Says the blonde.
Writing in Blonde
It was 1855 and two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch after their folks pass away. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the local bank from taking their ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll send you a telegram to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde, she’ll read it out slowly."
A Blonde at the Doctor's
A blonde woman came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office. “There you go," said the nurse as she handed her a urine cup. “The bathroom is over there on your left. The doctor will see you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom. She hands an empty container back to the nurse. With a relieved look on her face she says: "Thank you! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”
Two Blondes and a Car
Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car. The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?" The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in." The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?" The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger." The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
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