Internal validation refers to the capacity to recognize and appreciate one's positive qualities, strengths, accomplishments, and emotions. On the other hand, external validation involves others acknowledging one's strengths and emotions.
We often depend on the support and encouragement of friends and loved ones. This includes seeking external validation.
When we finally get our long-awaited dream job, find the right partner, or go on an exciting trip, we eagerly share the news with those closest to us. We desire their validation of our successes and their participation in celebrating them.
The need for validation is a universal human experience. When it becomes a habit, however, it is important to take a step back and realize that you are not dependent upon others' approval for your well-being.
Seeking validation can range from relatively harmless actions like trying to impress someone or occasionally compromising to maintain harmony, to more harmful behaviors such as neglecting our rights and enduring abuse to avoid abandonment.
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People seek validation from others for various reasons. If you experienced insufficient or excessive external validation during your childhood, it is possible that, as an adult, you may have an excessive desire for approval. This can impact how you handle your emotions, personality, and attachment style.
A 2016 study indicates that receiving emotional validation, particularly from mothers during childhood, fosters emotional awareness.
When a child grows up feeling undervalued, and lacking praise or encouragement, they may encounter difficulties in regulating their emotions.
This can also contribute to other manifestations, such as:
In a study from 2018, it was found that an emotionally invalidating childhood environment can lead to mental health conditions like borderline personality disorder.
On the other hand, excessive praise and overvaluation during childhood can also lead to interpersonal challenges and a sense of entitlement. A 2015 study suggests that narcissistic traits, such as entitlement and a need for validation in adulthood, can develop due to excessive praise and overvaluation during childhood.
An excessive need for validation can also be indicative of other mental health conditions, states the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5).
These conditions may include:
* Histrionic personality disorder.
* Body dysmorphic disorder.
* Dependent personality disorder.
If you suspect that you might be dealing with any of these conditions, t is advisable to seek professional guidance from a mental health professional for further evaluation.
If you often catch yourself seeking excessive validation from others to the extent that it negatively impacts you and disrupt your daily life, there are techniques you can employ to address this tendency. Read on to learn effective techniques to break the cycle of seeking external validation and instead develop a strong sense of self-assurance and self-worth.
Cheri Timko, MS, LPC, a licensed professional counselor and coach, says that everyone tends to be excessively critical of themselves. Timko advises that if your self-talk is filled with criticism, judgment, or harshness, it can erode your self-confidence. To address this, she suggests taking the time to recognize these thoughts as they happen, possibly through activities like meditation or journaling. She also suggests paying attention to how they affect your emotions.
When you become aware of these thoughts, acknowledge them, but counter them by reminding yourself of your capabilities and worth. Psychologists also encourage the practice of replacing harsh thoughts with more positive reflections that uplift and make you feel good.
One valuable step in overcoming the need for external validation is to conduct a comprehensive assessment of invalidating experiences encountered during both childhood and adulthood. Our early experiences play a significant role in shaping our beliefs and behaviors, including the need for external validation. By exploring your childhood experiences, you can gain insights into the roots of your approval-seeking behavior.
Begin by reflecting on whether you felt unseen or lacked the positive attention and validation that are important for healthy development during your childhood. Explore the specific ways this may have manifested.
Next, reflect on how you can provide yourself with nourishing praise and attention that may have been absent in your past. For instance, if you frequently felt ignored as a child, identify ways to nurture yourself as an adult. This may involve regularly affirming your self-worth, expressing pride in your accomplishments, and cultivating self-belief
Understanding these patterns help you recognize and challenge them in the present. It allows you to separate your sense of self-worth from external validation. Through self-reflection, therapy, or discussions with trusted people, you can uncover any limiting beliefs or fears that drive your approval-seeking behavior.
Overcoming the tendency to people please and seek validation can be a challenging task, particularly if there is a deep-rooted fear of abandonment involved.
The best way to begin addressing this issue is to practice saying "no" when smaller requests are involved before gradually progressing to larger requests that may trigger increased anxiety. Starting with modest requests helps you to acquire invaluable experience in effectively managing the discomfort that can emerge from the possibility of disappointing others. This step-by-step approach enables you to gradually build your confidence and ability to assert boundaries while navigating the fear of disappointing or alienating others.
The practice of meditation has the potential to enhance self-control, particularly in the context of setting boundaries and making decisions that align with your genuine aspirations.
Another effective strategy for self-validation is the use of positive affirmations. It is advisable to customize these affirmations to suit your individual requirements. Employing positive affirmations aids in replacing negative self-talk with a mindset of mindfulness and empowerment.
For example, if you want to boost your self-confidence, affirmations you might try include:
Related: Say These Affirmations Everyday to Give Yourself Strength
When you find yourself in the habit of seeking validation from others, make sure you evaluate whether the person you are seeking validation from is trustworthy and emotionally supportive, especially during your vulnerable moments.
Reflect on whether they have previously disregarded your personal boundaries. If they have, it may be beneficial to seek support from a more understanding friend, engage in conversations with a therapist, or allocate time for self-care and introspection.
Instead of relying on external validation, take a moment to slow down and assess your own needs. Focus on finding ways to validate yourself and build self-confidence.
The importance of prioritizing your emotional well-being cannot be overstated. You should refrain from seeking validation from others who may potentially aggravate your feelings of distress. Practice harm reduction by establishing healthier boundaries and seeking validation from more nurturing sources.
Having unsupportive people around may lead to a desire for approval. It is thus necessary to assess your existing social networks by asking the following questions:
* Do these networks offer encouragement, or do they contribute to emotional exhaustion?
* Can I establish connections with communities or professionals who can provide emotional validation?
Engaging with support groups and mental health experts specializing in boundary work can facilitate the development of a supportive network.
One of the most effective strategies to overcome the constant need for validation from others is to refrain from comparing yourself to others. While it may be easier said than done, once you develop your own sense of self-worth and confidence independently, you will become unstoppable.
There will always be people who hold different opinions, regardless of what you do, where you go, or how much effort you put into avoiding disapproval. When you learn to cultivate a life of gratification and purpose that revolves around your own aspirations, with family taking a close second, the trajectory of your life is guaranteed to undergo substantial changes.
Related: Got Low Self Esteem? 10 Tips to Boost Your Self Worth
Another vital tip is to refrain from excessive concern about other people's opinions and instead focus exclusively on your own happiness. Embracing all aspects of oneself can prove to be a challenging task, but it is a fundamental step toward cultivating genuine self-confidence. Clinical psychologists affirm that as we fully accept our authentic selves, the need for external validation or input diminishes, as we possess a genuine understanding of our truth.
Sources: Psychology Today, wikiHow, Calm Sage, buddhability
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