Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...