“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."