In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.
"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!
"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
These Restaurant Names Are Simply Too Funny!
These restaurants will grab you attention for all the wrong reasons! We can't stop laughing!
Joke: This Wife Gives a Gift to Her Upset Husband
A couple have an argument at bed-time, so the husband takes himself off to the couch. It isn't long before the wife decides to make amends...
Joke: The Generous Old Lady
A pastor pleads to his congregation to be generous with donations that day. He soon notices a $1000 bill on one of the offering plates...
Joke: The Newlyweds and the Strict Priest...
These newlyweds were asked to do something difficult...
Joke: Wedding Decisions
A bride and a groom are with a pastor finalizing details for their wedding day. The pastor asks them whether they want a traditional or contemporary wedding...
These Comic Strips Are So Funny, You'll Ask for More!
Check out these hilarious one-frame funnies by artist Tyson Cole.
The Senior Alphabet is Absolutely Hilarious!
They usually use the ABC poem to teach kids the alphabet, but now they've put out a senior version.
Hilarious: Best of Terrible Strangers Pranks!
This prank compilation focuses on 'terrible people' and the weird things they do before you discover it's a prank!
The Funny Side of Having Too Much Technology...
It's crazy to think about how most of us have become attached to our cellphones, but there's a funny side to the whole thing. Take a look at these memes.
Hilarity Ensues When This Ventriloquist Takes the Stage
Watch ventriloquist Jack Williams deliver an incredible audition in America's Got Talent with his puppet!
Cats Have An Innate Ability to Be Really Naughty..
If you have a cat, you know that they can be partial to behaving like jerks sometimes. This is especially true in the 19 hilarious photos you're about to see.
All the Ladies Will Be Playing This Song Again & Again
This song celebrates the beauty and wisdom of older ladies in a hilarious way!
This is What Happens When You Try and Fix it Yourself!
Have you ever tried fixing something yourself and failed miserably? Then you're going to love these photos...
Classic Comedy: Getting Rid of Whom?? (Adult Humor)
I can't stop laughing at this hilarious scene...
20 Hilarious Comics Filled With Wit, Fun, and Humor!
These hilarious comic strips by legendary cartoonist Mark Parisi are guaranteed to make you chuckle.
15 Quirky Spanish Idioms That'll Brighten Your Day
Who doesn’t love a funny idiom? Today, let’s learn about some hilariously quirky Spanish idioms.
HILARIOUS: 14 Cat Comics That'll Make You Laugh Out Loud!
This hilarious cat comics, drawn by Scott Metzger, perfectly capture the nature of cats.
Never Make Fun of an Old Man, Because You Never Know...
This old man teaches young punks what it is to have experience! A great prank.
These Comics Prove a Single Panel Can Deliver Big Laughs
Enjoy this hilarious collection of single-panel comics by Adam Douglas Thompson.
WATCH: Man Ditches "Pregnant" Wife In Hilarious Prank
A man pretends to ditch his "pregnant" wife for another woman in this hilarious prank. Watch the video to see the hilarious expressions on bystanders' faces.
Stand-up Comedy: What Men Really Think of Their Marriage
Marriage is certainly a blessing we all appreciate. But that doesn't mean we can't have a good laugh about it! This portrayal is cynical, but deadly funny!
These Cats May Have Been Ninjas in a Past Life
Cats are talented when they put their mind to them, and this bunch seem to have developed some incredible skills!
The People Behind These Funny Fails Are Beyond Reproach!
Some people simply should not be entrusted with construction or any kind of DIY work. The 15 photos you're about to see will show you exactly why!
Wives of Rival Politicians Fight on the Carol Burnett Show
This clip from the Carol Burnett show follows the wives of two rival politicians, who are friends in one minute and enemies the next!
Laugh Out Loud with Rob Spence's Crazy Balloon Act
Watch in awe as Rob Spence's balloon mime act takes center stage, bringing non-stop laughter.
These Child Letters to God are Both Touching and Hilarious
The letters these kids write are astounding.
These Wedding Day Pranks Will Leave You Gasping For Air
Hilarious wedding pranks that are guaranteed to make you laugh.
Add Humor to Your Bathroom With These Crazy Curtains
Add a touch of humor to your bathroom with these crazy shower curtains.
Rodney Dangerfield, The Man of a Million One liners!
Here is a great compilation of some of his best lines and of course - his terrific delivery, Dangerfield style.
Crazy! What on Earth Were These Men Thinking?
If you were wondering why women tend to live a bit longer than men, then perhaps this collection of photos will make you understand a little better.
Watch Simon's Cat Deal With a Very Friendly Doggie
In this episode of Simon's Cat, the cat must contend with an enthusiastic and friendly dog.
I Can't Stop Laughing at These Bizarre Signs!
These are the most ludicrous and unnecessary signs I have ever seen in my life. Laugh at the bonkers things we are told to do by these ubiquitous notices.
It’s Impossible NOT to Laugh at These 15 Hilarious Signs
It’s impossible NOT to laugh at these sidesplitting signs!
This Man Pushed a Button. He Had No Idea What It Will Do...
This man saw a button at the town square, he didn't realize what would happen when he pushed it.
These Cartoons Prove That with Great Age Comes Great Humor
Laughter is the best way to deal with all the negatives that comes with old age. Therefore, we have compiled 11 funny senior cartoons for your amusement.
Hilarious: The Funniest Memes This Christmas!
These hilarious Christmas memes will make your holiday season that much better.
Mrs Brown Does a Hilarious Strip Tease - for the Vicar!
After being hypnotized the night before, Mrs Brown is unaware that she is still under the spell. The vicar is coming round for tea. What could go wrong?
Hilarious: When a Ventriloquist Gets Hypnotized...
Watch this ventriloquist as she does a creative and funny routine I've never seen another ventriloquist do anything like this before!
Classic Comedy: What if Mr. Bean Was a Pianist?
A classic comedy sketch by Rowan Atkinson (AKA Mr. Bean) from 1979
Excuse Me, But Are These Signs for REAL?!?
Who comes up with these hilarious ideas and useless ideas for signs?
If You Want the Truth, Read This Hilarious Dictionary
If you think dictionaries were dry and pedantic, you'd be right. That is, they were, until these cheeky definitions came along.
It’s Hard to Believe These Hilarious US Laws Still Exist!
Did you know California prohibits riding bikes in swimming pools? Discover more such bizarre US laws in this article.
"Engrish" Can be a Confusing Language...
This series of English signs from around the world will make you laugh and wonder all at the same time.
The Most Embarrassing Things to Happen on Camera...
A funny compilation of people who are having their day ruined by unexpected events.
These Seniors Live Life According to Their Own Rules...
These funny photos prove that as you get older, you stop caring about what other people think of you.