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These Are Some of the Best Lines I've Ever Heard.

Modern comedians are great for many types of comedy. But there were times, before we got addicted to visual jokes, that a well crafted line was all you needed to get a good laugh. And throughout the ages, there have been some really good ones. Here are some of our favorites! 


“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“


“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 

No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ". 

Eleanor Roosevelt

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.” 

George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you  get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” 

Jimmy Durante

 “The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and  kindness, can be trained to do most things.” 

Jilly Cooper

 “I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” 

 “I was always a good housekeeper.  Whenever I divorced I always kept  the house.” 

Zsa Zsa Gabor

 “Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food  groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.” 

Alex Levine

 “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop  dying.” 

Ed Furgol

 “Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant  form of misery.” 

Spike Milligan

 “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the  position.

Mark Twain

“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”

Herbert Henry Asquith

 “I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my  nap.” 

Bob Hope

 “A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank  her.” 

W C Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.” 

George Burns

 “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its   way through Congress.” 


 “Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will  avoid you.” 


 Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is  that you are not a hypochondriac.” 


 “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go  anywhere.” 


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