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Classic Couple Jokes (Not for Children)

Marriage is a beautiful thing, but men and women are also different creatures, as any couple can testify. As a result of that struggle to bridge the gap between male and female, joke material is hardly scarce...

genders

 

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin


 
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 
 
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 
 
"What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
 
"Well, Husband #1  was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never delivered.
 
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 
 
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 
 
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 
 
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 
 
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 
 
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 
 
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 
 
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. 
 
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 
 
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?
 

"Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

genders

 

It's All About Communication


 

Wife: "Had your lunch?"
 
Husband: "Had your lunch?"
 
Wife: "I'm asking you"
 
Husband: "I'm asking you"
 
Wife: "Are you copying me?"
 
Husband: "Are you copying me?"
 
Wife: "Let's go shopping."
 
Husband: "I had my lunch..."
 
 
 
Wife: "Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?" 
Husband: No I cant. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off. 
 
 
 

Wife: "I have changed my mind." 
Husband: "Thank God! Does the new one work now?"  

 

 

 

genders

The Pickle Slicer


Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.  One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" 
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" 
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened???"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired too.

genders

The Prisoner Has Escaped!


A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

 
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.'
 
And then they made love for the first time.
 
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
 
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
 
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
 
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
 
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
 
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her: "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY?!
 

genders

Advice From Men To Women 


1. Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

2. If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

3. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

4. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

5. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not mean that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

7. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punch line.

8. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

9. When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

10. What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

11. When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?', it would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.

12. When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

13. When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

14. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

15. SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

16. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

17. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

18. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

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