The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS!? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied: "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man who's given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like."
For more funny jokes scroll below!
Joke: The Old Golf Partner
When a husband and wife are discussing golf, the husband is surprised at her suggestion of a golfing buddy for him. But he soon realizes she has a point...
Joke: A Thieving Old Lady Finds Herself Facing a Judge
An old lady finds herself in front of a judge after stealing a can of peaches. He immediately hands down a sentence for her wicked deed...
Funny: It's Not My Fault That You Didn't Use Them, Pal
When a husband and wife on a long car journey decide to stop overnight, little did they imagine the shock they were in for when receiving their bill...
Joke: Come On, Honey...
A newlywed steps out of the shower and is promptly asked to pose for a nude photo by her husband. She wants one of him in return...
Joke: The Fortune Teller and the Bad News
A sneaky woman decides to visit a fortune teller when she's in New Orleans
This Joke Begins With a Wandering Eye...
A woman loses her glass eye when she sneezes. A man is quick to catch it. She subsequently invites him over for dinner and they have a wonderful evening...
Hilarious: Mr. Bean and the Eating Competition
Mr. Bean's eating competition against a fellow guest is going swimmingly until he eats a batch of spoiled oysters...
Small Town America Has Some RIDICULOUS Laws
It’s hard to believe these dumb laws still exist!
Hilarious: Don't Mess With This Little Girl!
When people passed by, they saw a very strange sight
Hilarious: 22 Witty and Clever Cartoons!
22 of the funniest New Yorker cartoons that are just clever enough to be funny but not mysteriously so.
Mr. Bean: How Should One NOT Paint?
Our old friend Mr. Bean is the only one who can get into such a situation when all he needs to do is paint...
14 Crazy Things That Could Only Happen in One Country...
14 photos of things that you could only find in Russia. These will bring a smile to your face.
Bless My Neighbors... They're Completely Nuts!
Check out these 15 pictures of hilarious things that people have caught their neighbors doing! We challenge you not to laugh your head off!
This is Definitely the Funniest Song About Flight Discounts!
If something looks too good to be true, it usually is. So these ladies decided to write a hilarious song to warn us all!
When Christmas Decorations Failed Miserably - Funny Pics
These people ruined Christmas with their hilariously bad decorations.
14 Hilariously Creative Doormats that Crack Me Up!
‘Welcome’ is certainly not the only thing a doormat can say, as these hilarious and unusual doormats show...
To Date this Hilarious Father's Daughter, Here are the Rules
While dads may be glad to see their daughter in love, when it comes to fathers and daughters, there are some hard line rules that NO suitor should cross!
I've Never Seen Translations Fail This Hard
These hilariously terrible translations will make you laugh your socks off!
Hilarious: Cats are Some of the Funniest Creatures
Prepare for a foray into the delightful absurdity of living with cats.
These Cats and Dogs Cause Complete Christmas Carnage!
You dog or cat might be the world's most innocent creature for most of the year, but as soon as the holiday season comes around all this changes in a heartbeat.
Funny Cartoons NEVER Go Out of Style!
Time to laugh out loud with these hilarious comics by Leigh Rubin.
Comedy Gold: Enjoy This Rib-Tickling Laurel & Hardy Clip
Enjoy this hilarious clip from a Laurel and Hardy short titled ‘The Snow Hawk’.
Hilarious: Why You DON'T Send a Man to the Grocery Store
Sending a man grocery shopping - what could possibly go wrong?
Every Species Has Its Comedians...
There's nothing better than animals to make us smile and laugh!
These Are the Most Absurd DIY Projects We’ve Come Across
It’s nice to do DIY projects, but this is just ridiculous.
HILARIOUS: These Pets are Real Drama Queens!
Just like humans, some pets throw tantrums when they want attention. Just look at these 12 hilarious four-legged drama queens.
If You've Got a Sense of Humor, You'll Love These Liners!
Which of these short jokes will crack you up?
18 Hilarious Comics About The Everyday Adventures of Dogs
Enjoy these hilarious single-panel dog comics by artist Anthony Smith.
Hilarious: 19 Times the Universe Decided to Be Ironic...
These photos capture the most brilliant comedic irony caught on camera!
Hilarious: 15 Witty Bar and Restaurant Signs
These bars and restaurants deserve a visit just for their funny signs.
17 Street Signs That Will Make You Crow With Laughter
We present to you a compilation of some of the most hilarious signs people accidentally stumbled upon on the street
Classic Comedy: The Most Hilarious Breakfast Ever Made...
This is one of the funniest comedy sketches of all time, in my opinion. Because when it comes to breakfast, timing is everything.
Mr. Bean Never Expected a Round of Golf Like That...
Mr Bean decides to treat himself to a round of crazy golf. He starts off with a fantastic hole in one, but things start to take a turn for the worse…
Hilarious: The Funniest Restaurant Names!
These restaurants will grab you attention for all the wrong reasons! We can't stop laughing!
These Funny ‘Science Facts’ Will Leave You Confused
It’s not always that science makes us laugh, but these intentionally wrong science facts will give you a good chuckle.
Only in Russia: 10 Hilarious Cars Transformed into Tanks
There is a new hilarious trend in Russia - turning your own car into a tank! Click here to see these funny creations!
These 14 Hilarious Vet Signs Are Gonna Crack You Up!
From unapologetic puns about neutering pets to side-splitting two-liners about the differences between cats and dogs, get ready to laugh your head off!
Hilarious: Rowan Atkinson Welcomes You to Hell
Watch this hilarious British comedian's take on the devil introducing new sinners to hell.
12 Naughty Dogs Caught Being Cheeky While You Were Out
So this is what your dog is doing when he has the house to himself!
20 Weird and Terrifically Hilarious Signs…
These hilariously bizarre signs are just what we needed today.
These Lines are Bad Manners, But They're Funny!
We all wish we had the tenacity to be able to reply to someone being cheeky to us with the wittiest of comebacks. Here are 20 awesome rejoinders.
These Funny Signs Excel At Stating the Obvious...
Some signs that you come across in life literally leave you scratching your head. Their messages are so obvious that they beggar belief. Take a look.
The Most Embarrassing Things to Happen on Camera...
A funny compilation of people who are having their day ruined by unexpected events.
Dad Jokes: A Hilarious Collection of Terrible Crack-Ups
These terrible dad jokes are guaranteed to tickle your funny bone.