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British Humor Can Be a Bit Different - Hilarious!

 

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! 
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FREE PUPPIES 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 
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FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. 
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. 
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COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. 
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 
Must sell washer and dryer £100. 
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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . 
Worn once by mistake. 
Call Stephanie. 
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And the WINNER is..
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. 
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. 
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 
(Statement of the Century) 
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Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly:

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, 
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" 
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Children Are Quick:
 
TEACHER: Why are you late? 
STUDENT: Class started before I got here. 
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. 
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 
(I Love this child) 
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE: Me! 
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' 
MILLIE: I is.. 
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' 
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... 
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? 
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog. 
(I want to adopt this kid!!!) 
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD: A teacher 
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Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH 



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