What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
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