What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
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