What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
You seem a little mer-mad.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
I really caribou-t you.
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