What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.

Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.

France is beautiful in every Cezanne.

Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.

What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.

“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes

What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.

I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.

The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.

What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.

“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown

On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.

What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!

What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!

Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.

What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache

What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!

“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda

Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.

Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.

What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.

Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.

My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.

“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea

What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.

Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

Rudder valve reversals

Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!

What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.

Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.

What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.

Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.

My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.

"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."

- Phyllis Dille

A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."

“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho

You’re the batteries to my flashlight.

There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!

“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman

How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.