Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."

What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!

Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.

“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.

How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

Dublin over in laughter.

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date

What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!

There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.

"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.

“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”

What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.

"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".

Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!

What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.

What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.

What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben

What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”

How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!

What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.

What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.

Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.

Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.

What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!

Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.

Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.

My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:

What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.

You sleigh me.

I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!

According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.