“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
We bee-long together.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
I read dead people.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
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