Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
Give me your number so I can make the call.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
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