A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
In Ireland, I call the shots.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
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