The owner and head of sales of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in Paris on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.
Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.
After dinner, he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to severalnight-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.
It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was utterly amazed and took her home.
To this very day, he still doesn't know how she guessed that he was a furniture salesman!
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"
"Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
Why Are You Crying?
It is the middle of the night and Laura wakesup to find that her husband is out of bed. She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
"What's the matter, honey?" she asks. "Why the heck are you down here at this hour?"
Her husband looks up at her. "Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?"
"Sure." She answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness. "And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?"
"Yes, of course."
"And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said: 'You either marry her or I'll put you in jail for 20 years?"
"Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!?" she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said:"It's just... I would have been out today."
A new mayor of Chicago is chosen.
That night, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The mayor asks him "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?".
FDR responds: "Do everything for the people". The mayor wakesup startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath.
The next night, George Washington appears in the dreams of the mayor.
He asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".
The mayor wakesup startled, and curses under his breath. "That's not possible!"
The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the mayor's dreams.
The mayor asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?"
Abraham looks at the mayor, scratches his beard, and takes a while to answer.
"Visit a theater."
What has five fingers and looks human? A severed hand.
The Old Lady and the Money Bags
A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake.
He calls the woman to halt and approaches her.
"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole". He points out.
The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:
"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer," the old lady explains, "I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden." She said, her voice shaking with indignation.
"So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'"
Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks:
"Is the second bag filled with money too?"
"Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays."
Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Sam, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoon.
She emphatically told Sam and several others of the congregation that by seeing his car there, everyone would know exactly what he was doing.
Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house...and left it there all night.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
The Lies of the Drunk
A man has been drinking all day at a bar. Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
"1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife's going to kill me," he says to the bartender.
But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder. At this point, he realizes this won't work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (blissfully sleeping) wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
"So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?"
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers."
His wife starts nodding understandably: "Ah ha, makes sense."
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
"Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, idiot."
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big evening ashore.
As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:
"Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also soiled your pants."
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
How to Avoid Execution
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wakeup in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A Night With a Russian
A lovely Russian lady came up to me at the mall and said "Please, I am looking for a one night stand."
I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say Billybob, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followed.
As the sun peeped over the windowsill, I smiled sweetly at her sleepy face and said "So how was that?"
"Was wonderful," she said, "but I still have no place to put bedside lamp."
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon. Damn lunatics.
How Many Times Must You "Fall"?
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
A man has to drive for a few days to get to his new house.
After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap.
A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM" and goes back to sleep.
After a while, another man knocks on the car's window and wakes the driver from his sleep. This man also asks the driver what time it is. The driver replies "It's 8:05 AM" and goes back to sleep.
Sure enough, after a while, again, another man knocks on the car's window and asks the same question. The driver, now annoyed, replies, "It's 8:07 AM". He picks up a piece of paper and writes in bold letters "I don't know what time it is!", sticks it on the car's window and goes back to sleep.
The driver is again woken from his sleep by a knock on his window. The man knocking on the window says, "It's 8:10 AM, you're welcome!"
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blond and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.
"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed? You wakeup wet!
The Ghostly Advice
When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. A bitter looking man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it." Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honors to his friend. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wakeup screaming in fear.
It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life.
That bastard had a twin.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After severalnights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to make love to, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to make love to ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times."
A man goes into the confession booth at church.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" Asks the priest.
"Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn't let up. After some time me and the librarian lost our patience and... well.. partied all night, if you catch my drift."
"That is bad but not horrible, my son," Said the priest, "if it is a one-time slip, God will forgive you."
"That's just the thing," said the man, "about a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and... well.. you know, all night long."
The priest remains silent.
The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, "What should I do now, father?"
"What should you DO??" Screamed the priest, "You should get out of here right now before it rains!"
If a person would have several friends, here's the thing upon which it depends; are you willing to share when there isn't much there and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Fay's Jokes Wind Everybody Up
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
A traveling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse. The farmer says, "You can spend the night but you'll have to share a room with my daughter."
The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father's shoulder.
"Oh, I don't mind that," exclaims the salesman.
"Just one thing," says the farmer. "No funny business. If you touch her, I'll kill you."
"Oh no sir," says the salesman. "You can count on me!"
Just to be safe, the farmer builds a wall of eggs between the two beds in the daughter's room. To get through, one of them would have to break them. However, In the middle of the night, the salesman can no longer control himself, busts through the eggs and he and the willing farmer's daughter spend some passionate time together. They break all the eggs in the process.
When they're done, they spend the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one and rebuilding the wall. They couldn't get the yolks in so they just glued the shells together and threw away the rest, so there was a wall of empty eggs.
The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter's room and takes a couple of eggs to the kitchen to make breakfast. However, all the eggs he tries turn out empty. When the salesman wakesup, he goes down and is surprised to find the farmer staring out the window at his chickens, holding a shotgun.
"What are you doing?" asked the man.
The farmer continues to stare. "I think one of my roosters is using a condom."
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Severaltimes lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night - day.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Working at The Circus
So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”. Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the heck. I’m pretty talented.” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him. “Hello,” she says.
“Hi, is this the circus?”
“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”
“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”
“Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?”
“Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.”
“O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...”
“No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!”
“Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...”
“No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!”
She hangs up the phone.
Alex sits there for a few seconds before he realizes he forgot something.
“Oh darn, I forgot to tell her I’m a horse.”
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral? One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
The Nature of Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
The father says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep s**t."
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?" He asked, surprised.
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
At What Time Does A Duck WakeUp? At the quack of dawn.
That Night in the Barn
Ned decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Carl, so they loaded up Ned's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." Ned said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
About 2 years later, Ned got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Carl and asked, "Carl, that night at the barn, in that farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 2 years ago, do you remember it?"
"Sure I do." said Carl.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay the widow a visit at the house?"
"Well, um, yes..." Carl said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her a false name?"
Carl's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm really sorry, buddy. I panicked a bit and gave her your name, actually. Why do you ask?"
"Because I'm rich. She just died and left me everything."
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wakeup the rest of the bunch.
The Enviable Problem
When a man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.
But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.
The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will be $6.40 please." So the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then the ostrich said, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.
"The usual?" asked the waitress. "No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," said the man. "Same for me," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.
The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.
The waitress asked, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighed, paused, and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wakeup the rest of the bunch.
The Baseball Buddies
Sam and Dean were the best of friends as well as two of the biggest baseball fans the world has ever seen.
All of their lives, Sam and Dean would talk about baseball. They went to all the games they could get to. They even made a pact, as kids, that when one of them dies - the other will return to tell him if heaven has baseball games.
One night, after watching a Yankee victory, Sam happily dies. A few nights later, his buddy Dean wakesup to a familiar sound - it's Sam, and he's talking to him from beyond.
"Sam, is that you?" Asks Dean.
"Sure is, buddy!" replies Sam.
"Wow this is amazing!" exclaims Dean. "So, please tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," answers Sam. "I have some good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news first."
"Ok, well the good news is that the answer is yes, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's incredible! So what's the bad news, then?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says, ....oh God, she sounded sexy!!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. You name it, we'll do it. Bring anything you want."
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand... I wonder if he was kilt.
Those Darn Time Differences
One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asks him
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences!
I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient shrugs and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
A blond wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors.
At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
"$50" she replies.
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house.
The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house.
"She should. She was standing on it"
A short time later the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You've finished already?" the man asked.
"Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats."
Impressed the man reaches for the money.
"And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a porch. It's a Lexus."
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses. The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What Goes Up Must Come Down
A man is going skydiving for the first time.
After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic but remembers his backup chute.
He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.
He frantically begins pulling both cords but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes.
Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!
As the other man gets near, the skydiver yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."
"OK!" AWESOME!" the man says happily.
"GOOD... now get your own darn blanket!" came the reply.
You may have heard of the best kept secret of the US army - the infamous area 51 in Nevada, where secret operations are conducted.
It was late afternoon when Air Force spotted a Cessna airplane landing right at area 51. Perplexed, they immediately seized the pilot and dragged him into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The pilot and a sour, angry looking woman.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "I know I shouldn't be here again, and you can do anything you want to me, but please, please, will you tell my wife that I actually DID spend last night in area 51!"
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded, "You're lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: "We will never forget you!"
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night? Clubbing.
How to Cure Snoring
The guys were all at a base camp. No one wanted to room with George, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy roomed with George and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'George snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that George shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked George into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. George sat up and watched me all night. I slept fine.'
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Are you into one-night stands? [No.] Then it's a good thing it's daytime.
As Blind As A...
Two vampire bats wakeup in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered in blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.
Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, glumly, "I didn't."
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the mischievous behavior that was going on, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for some time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said? No?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!
St Peter said,"I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being. An animal.
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before!"
"Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..."RALPH wakeup! You crapped the bed!"
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
She, in amazement: "Is that all we have left?!?"
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died.
Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... not so fast, James!"
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday. But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
A Night With an Alien
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife.
As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.
Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship.
The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.
The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another.
They had been having s*x for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having s*x with a Martian? How does it feel?”
The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his thingy became bigger around.
About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”
The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”
So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his thingy became longer.
The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?”
To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine. “And how about the Martian woman?”
The farmer replied, “She was ok, but my ears are killing me.”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well! We'll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight - you don't have any milk!"
"I know," she said. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm certainly glad I came."
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair.
To wake her, the stylist took off the headphones.
The blond immediately fell on the floor, flopped and died.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: "breath in, breath out."
A man stepped onto the overnight train and asked to speak to the conductor.
Upon meeting him, the passenger told the conductor, "I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I'm a deep sleeper and can be kinda grouchy when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here's $100 to make sure!"
The conductor agreed and they shook hands.
The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York.
Furious, he collared the conductor. "I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!"
"Wow," another passenger said to his traveling companion. "Is that guy angry!"
"Yeah," his companion replied. "Still... not half as angry as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia."
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. They start getting really upset as time goes on, as they have reserved the time weeks in advance.
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 25 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!"
Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:
“Congratulations on your new location!”
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank. That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
The Viking Wedding Night
Long ago, Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in the ancient North, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the village doctor. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm getting married next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay."
"Well I'll have to put it in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight." Said the doctor. "It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a little 4 sided splint, and roped it all together. Quite an impressive work of art for those times.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and celebrated all night drinking. After the feast, he carried her to his house. As they got inside, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, "Olaf...you're the first vun! NO vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena. Still in DA CRATE!"
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Please, may I come with him tomorrow?'
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
The Special Cuckoo Clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakeup, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a conflict. (Even when very drunk I figured 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in. I told him "MIDNIGHT".
He didn't seem angry in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh cr*p.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and passed wind."
What’s a glow worms favourite song? Wake me up before you glow glow!
The Thumping Noise
A little boy wakesup three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?!?"
The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.
A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.'
No-one moved, so he resorted to the loudspeaker. 'Let's get off the corner!' it boomed.
Still, no-one seemed to take any notice.
'Alright folks, if you don't move after I count to three, I'm breaking out my baton!' the rookie cried.
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave in a hurry, casting puzzled glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'
'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since this is a bus stop.'
Yo Momma so stupid she stays up all night trying to catch some sleep.
Deep Into the Jungle
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe.
He wanders through the thick jungle for days upon days, and it seems like his journey's going to amount to nothing.
As he ventures deeper into it, his attention is drawn to something hanging overhead in the canopy and decides to take a closer look.
Suddenly, he falls into a trap, is knocked unconscious and wakesup tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakesup and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say 'WHO'S HORNY?!'
She always acts like she's sound asleep. Works every time!"
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is.
"You're in Hell," said the devil, appearing. "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is!"
"What!?!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"
"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realize - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."
Unconvinced, the guy prepared to object but the devil cut him off.
"Let me give you an example," he said, "what's today? Monday right? Yes, Monday. Do you gamble?"
"I gamble a little bit," said the guy, "I play poker with my friends every now and then and always have a bet on the big horse races."
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Mondays, Monday is our gambling day. In the morning we play blackjack and roulette, at lunch we bet on the horses, in the afternoon we bet on sports games and at night we play cards. It's really a lot of fun, you're going to LOVE Mondays"
"That does sound ok," said the guy, "but if it's all the same to you I want to talk to the man upstairs and see..."
"Do you drink?" the devil interrupted.
"Sure," said the guy, "everyone likes a drink every now and then."
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Tuesdays, Tuesday is our drinking day. We wakeup, have breakfast with amazing Bloody Marys that takes us to an early lunch where we have pizza and beer then drink beer and whiskey all afternoon until dinner time where we have the best wines, followed by port and cognac. A very popular day, you're going to LOVE Tuesdays."
"That does sound pretty good," said the guy, "but..."
"Do you ever do drugs?" said the devil.
"I smoke pot every now and then," said the guy.
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Wednesdays, Wednesday is our drug day. Probably our most popular day to be honest. We start off nice and easy with the finest hash, then move on to coke as a nice pick me up, then we go out and do ecstasy and dance and have a great time then we wind the day down with some top-notch heroin. And don't worry about the dangers because you're already dead! Yes you're going to LOVE Wednesdays"
"Actually that sounds great," says the guy
"Perfect," said the devil, "are you gay?"
"No, I'm not." said the guy
"Oh," said the devil, "then you're going to hate Thursdays."