A young man moved to the beach area and is trying to meet women, but isn't having much luck. One day, the young guy is walking down the beach, and he passes an old guy, who is completely surrounded by young beautiful women in bikinis vying for his attention. The young guy scratches his head and keeps walking, but can't understand how that old guy is meeting so many women...
The next day, he takes a stroll on the beach again, and passes the same guy, who once again has many attractive young women with him. The next time he walks down the beach, he sees the old guy again, and he still has hot young women all around him. Finally, he decides that he has to know the old guy's secret, so he pulls the guy aside and asks, "How do you do it? How do you always attract so many hot young women?"
The old guy responds, "Tomorrow, when you head out to the beach, slip a potato inside your bathing suit!"
So the next day, the young guy slides a potato into his bathing suit and heads out for his daily beach walk. But today, all the women are actually moving farther and farther away from him! He finds the old guy again and says, "Hey, what's going on? I followed your advice, I put a potato in my bathing suit, and the women are practically running away from me!"
The old guy sighs and says: "Try again tomorrow, but this time, put the potato in the front!"
Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blond decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blond finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden...
Frank, the Walmart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.
A dear old man has been having trouble making love to his wife due to impotency.
He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He researched online, asked every online expert he could think of - to no avail.
He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.
The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems.
"I know just the thing," she says, and hands him a potion. "Drink this. When you are ready, just say 'one, two, three.' Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, 'one, two, three, four,' and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon."
Excited to try this new remedy, he makes his way home in a haste.
That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says "one, two three." Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.
Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, "Wow, that looks great. But what did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"
A man decides he wants to fish. Unfortunately, his favorite spot became illegal to fish in. Undeterred, he fishes for 2 hours, and at this point, he already has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing.
Out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him:
"You know you can’t fish here, right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”
The man hides the pole and replies:
“Oh no no those are my pet fish. I just come here every week or so drop them in the pond, and once they are done swimming they jump back in and I go home.”
At this point the officer smirks, he knows he’s lying, so he says:
"Well then show me, if you can truly show me that they will do that then I’ll let you go.”
The man agrees and dumps the fish into the pond,
A few minutes pass...
“So when are the fish jumping back in the bucket?” Asks the officer smugly.
“What fish?" says the man.
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor.
The nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
There once was a manfrom Peru. Who dreamed he was eating his shoe. He woke up at night. With a terrible fright. To find out his dream had come true!
The Old Man's Secret
A TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods
When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.
They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:
"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified.
I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard.
I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice.
When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love.
In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him."
The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life."
"Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress... That kind of stuff."
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest.
So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar.
He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. “How many people here make love once a day?”
Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?”
A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
"How many of you make love once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted.
Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling.
The therapist is shocked - this man's reaction completely disproves his theory!
“If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man shouts: "Today’s the day!”
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
The Boy, the Donkey and the Old Man
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
The wrestling match was about to begin and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"
The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "I know, Coach, if you've told me once...I won't let him get me in The Pretzel!"
"Good! Just don't let him get you in The Pretzel!"
The crowd in the arena was roaring. The two wrestlers moved to ring, a well lit white square in the center of the seats. The Contender was called and the crowd cheered, then the Champion was called and the crowd roared.
Coach called to the Contender "Don't let him get you in The Pretzel!", and the Contender nodded and moved into the center. After a few moments, the match began.
Coach watched as the wrestlers twisted together, all power and speed. The crowd surged. The bodies on the mat became a twisted wreck.
"The Pretzel..." the Coach whispered, reaching to throw the towel into the ring, knowing there was no way the Contender could win. Before he could, though, there was a horrible, wrenching scream of agony from the ring. The wrestlers parted, fought, and before anyone could react, the Contender had the Championed pinned. The count went down.
There was a new Champion.
Coach's jaw was on the ground, the towel still in his hand. He was amazed, shocked.
The new Champion was hustled into the locker room, and Coach followed.
"How did you do that? No one has ever got out of The Pretzel! Never!"
"Well, Coach, if you've told me once, you've told me a thousand times...but he is really good. I thought I had everything under control, but he was so fast, before I knew it, he had me in The Pretzel and I heard the count going down. I couldn't move."
"I looked up and there was a groin hanging right in front of my face, and I figured I had nothing to lose so I chomped on it as hard as I could."
"You can't believe the strength you get from biting your own testicles."
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.
One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!"
The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”
The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.”
The men laugh.
The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!"
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?”
The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy."
The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.”
The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”
The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool...”
Roger, 88, married Jenny, a beautiful 45-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 88-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door - it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already??"
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"After that," the old rich man continued, "I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Three writers, Sam, Pete, and Chuck, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.
When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."
Now, Sam was a writer of funny stories, Pete was a writer of scary stories, and Chuck was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Sam would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Pete would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Chuck would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.
They started to climb the stairs, and Sam started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Pete and Chuck were laughing hysterically.
Then Pete started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Sam and Chuck were hugging each other in fear.
Then Chuck started to tell sad stories. He stuck his hands in his pockets, thinking.
"Ah, I'll tell my saddest story of all first." he said.
He coughed nervously.
"There once was a man named Chuck, who left the hotel room key in the car..."
A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.
“No thanks." says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.
"No, thanks." the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.”
Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.
"I suppose you play golf" says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club".
"That's kind of you, but no, thanks." the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it".
Just then a young man enters the office.
"Let me introduce my son, Mike.." says the plant manager.
"Let me guess" the salesman replies with a bitter smile: "An only child?"
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted: "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "what would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his a** up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
There once was a manfrom Pompeii One day made a wife out of clay But the heat from his prick Turned the clay into brick And tore all his foreskin away!
There once was a manfrom Iraq Who had holes down the length of his c**k When he got an erection It'd play a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach.
there once was a manfrom leeds who ate a packet of seeds within the hour his dick was a flour and his balls were all covered in weeds.
There once was a manfrom sprocket Who went for a ride in a rocket The rocket went bang His balls went clang And he found his d**k in his pocket!
There once was a manfrom Bombay Who fashioned a c*nt out of clay But the heat of his prick turned it into a brick And it chafed all his foreskin away.
There once was a manfrom East Kent Whose tool was so long that it bent To save her some trouble He folded it double And instead of coming...he went.
There once was a manfrom Cape Horn, who wished he never was born. And he wouldn't have been if his father had seen that the top of the rubber was torn.
There once was a manfrom Devizes Whose balls were of differing sizes One was so small you couldn't see it at all The other so big it won prizes.
There once was a girl from Hoboken, who swore her cherry was broken, from riding her bike, on a cobblestone pike, but it was really broken from pokin'.
There once was a manfrom Racine Who was an amazing fu**ing machine Both concave and convex He could screw either s*x and jerk himself off in between.
There once was a manfrom Bel Air Who was doing his wife on the stair But the banister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air.
there once was a manfrom Nantucket with a d**k so long he could suck it he said with a grin as he licked off his chin "if my ear was a c**t I would f**k it."
There was a man named Daddino Met a handsome young manfrom Encino The pleasures they had Made them both rather glad But the neighbors all found it obscene-o.
There once was a Senator from Mass Who wanted a strange piece of ass He lucked up and found it But screwed up and drowned it And now his future is past.
On a maiden a manonce begat Bouncing triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat Twas fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding She hadn't a spare tit for Tat!
There once was a lady from Decatur Who got laid by a large alligator. But nobody knew The result of that screw Because after he laid her, he ate her.
There once was maid name of Olga, whoes resume read rather vulga the things she could do, from basement to flue, without ever letting go of ya
There once was a young man named Bruno, who said, "F*ing is one thing I do know. "Sheep are just fine, "And women devine, "But, llamas are numero uno!"
there oncw was a manfrom china who wasnt a very good climba he slipped on a rock and cut of his c**k and now hes got a va**na.
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says, "There are no fish down there."
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say, "There's no fish down there."
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says, "There's no fish down there."
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," says the voice. "It's the rink manager."
Years ago, a man needs to take a flight. As he gets to his plane seat, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him
Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a bloody whisky, you moron.”
The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee.
When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, “And get me another darn whisky while you’re at it, idiot!” Visibly upset, the shaking stewardess returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man loses his temper and decides to try the parrot’s approach: “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, moron, now go and get it or I’ll give you a slap!” In a couple of seconds, two burly disguised security personnel grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out.
As they are falling from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says: “You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’ve got a big mouth.”
The police detectives were having trouble determining whether or not their suspects were guilty. They just couldn't get them to confess. After hearing word of a telepath who is able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.
They bring the first suspect in, and instantly the man says, “This person has committed murder. He murdered a pizza man delivering to his house.” Speechless, the police start to think this man is the real deal. “He has to be telling the truth,” they say to each other. “We haven’t told him anything about the case.”
They bring another suspect in, and instantly the man says, “this man is innocent, and has committed no crimes. He was framed of burglary by his next door neighbor, Bill Summers.” The cops are dumbfounded. “How does he know? We haven’t told him anything about the case!”
The cops are a bit skeptical, and decide to make a little test. They bring in a beautiful woman they know to have not committed a felony.
An officer enters the room with her, and instantly the man says, “This woman has committed theft.” The officer, knowing this is a lie, tell the man, “We knew it! We brought her in to truly test your abilities, and clearly you're a fraud!” They dismiss the woman.
“I would catch up to her if I were you,” says the man.
“And why is that?” Asks the officer.
“Because she stole your wallet.”
A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!"
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow."
A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?”, he was asked.
“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for your final arrival on the ground?”, he was asked again.
He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest. It was a clerical error.
The Familiar Old Man
One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"
"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."
"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"
"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."
Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be HIS father?
"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"
"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was!"
Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"
The old man rubs tears from his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.
He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What happens if this doesn't work?'
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILED'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it wouldn't even switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'
I once had a conversation with a dolphin. We just clicked.
Man vs. Ape
One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape. Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump around saying "ooooh oooh oooh" and so did the ape.
Stopping to think about what to do next, Bob scratched his chin, as he was thinking. Before he could even react, the ape pulled the bars of his cage apart, jumped the moat, and proceeded to beat the ever living crap out of him. A few weeks later, Bob comes to in a hospital room, in full traction. When they realized that he was awake, the staff brought a man into his room, and left the two of them alone.
"Mr. Smith, my name is Albert. I am the zookeeper and I want to see if we can figure out what happened before you were attacked."
"I....don't know. I was looking at the ape, and noticed he was mimicking my movements."
"I need to know exactly what you did."
"Well, when I first noticed it, I was scratching my head. When I noticed he was scratching his head, I started to play around, and I started to scratch my underarms and make oooh sounds."
"OK, then what happened?"
"Well, I was trying to think of something else to do, and I think I scratched my chin, which is the last thing I remember."
"You scratched you chin??? Oh that explains everything! You see, in Ape, that means 'Screw you!'. Thank Goodness, because if the attack was unprovoked, we'd have to put him down."
So the zookeeper left Bob to sit in traction for another six months, and if you've ever been in a cast, you can only imagine the misery of six months of not being able to move, shit or pee, or even get to that one itch, without someone else's help. It wears on a man. So Bob spent all that time coming up with a plan to get his revenge on that darned ape.
He's finally released from the hospital, and makes his first trip to the local butcher, where he buys a giant polish sausage, and a pair of nice new butcher knives.
He then goes straight to the zoo, and marches up to the ape cage, where he is soon standing face to face with his attacker.
"Remember me?" He asked as he got the apes attention, and saw that he was once again mimicking him. He smiled and reached into his bag, and tossed a butcher knife into the apes cage.
When the ape picked it up, Bob got his attention, by holding his own knife high, while he reached into his pants, and pulled the polish sausage out through the fly. Just as he expected, the ape mimicked him, holding his knife high, and his genitals in his other hand.
Seeing this, Bob sliced down with his big butcher knife, cleanly cutting the polish sausage in half. Seeing the sausage laying on the ground, he looked up smugly to see how much pain the poor dumb ape must be in right now... when he saw him standing there, scratching his chin.
Two very old men were having a conversation about se*.
Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.
"Darn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"
Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was just finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.
As Leon was leaving he stopped, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he started to leave Leon stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Leon turned from the door. "I've seen some wild se* at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"
Leon stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.
"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed.
"I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived... And it's getting worse. Doctor, it's getting worse!"
"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"
"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?!?"
Once Dean and Martin came to Martin's house and heard some noises in Martin's bedroom upstairs.
Surprised and alert, they crept up and peeked inside the bedroom carefully from the gap in the door.
They found his milkman in bed with Martin's wife. They went down silently and into the kitchen.
Martin was shaking with rage.
He jerked open the fridge, grabbed two bottles of chilled beer and handed one over to Dean.
Both had a couple of sips in silence.
Dean understood Martin's rage and said: “Sorry about that, but what about that milkman?”
Martin: “What about him? He can get his own damn beer.”
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake. She was a Psycho.
An Elderly Man and a Young Woman at a Bar
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.
They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both lying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly.
"And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” Rodney Dangerfield
That Poor, Poor Man
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until WHACK! He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"
These two guys are sat in their hospital beds having a little chat.
The first guy asks the second, "What are you in for?"
"Camera down the throat." the second guy replies.
"Oh, endoscopy?" the first guy asks.
The second guy says, "Yeah. Checking for stomach cancer. How about you?"
"Camera up the butt" the first guy says.
"Oh colonoscopy, checking for bowel cancer?" asks the second guy.
The first guy says, "No, my neighbor was sunbathing and my wife caught me taking a photo."
Once upon a time, there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road.
Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on.
The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene.
There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible.
The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.
The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."
The woman ran back to her car.
A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle.
She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it.
The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman.
Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again.
It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.'
The officer kicks the red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises.
'Hmm just puppies in that sack'
The officer kicks the brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises.
'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and she screams:
A man gets home early from work and catches his wife in bed with another man...
The husband challenges the other man to an old fashioned duel with his hand guns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife. The other man agrees, so they go into another room so the wife doesn't have to see it. Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and says:
"Why should either of us have to die? We will both fire a shot into the air and lay on the ground as if we're dead, when she comes in she will see our 'lifeless' bodies and rush to one of us, whoever she chooses can have her." The other man agrees again, so they fire into the air and collapse.
The wife throws the door open and peers down at the two men, then backs out of the room and calls out: "Darling, you can come out! They're both dead!"
Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.
True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
"My gosh... Is that you, Dan?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"
"What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him Viagra?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn't even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed...
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!"
I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me, it is a time to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was 12.
We were sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.
He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.
Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself.
The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down."
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin... It really upped the aunty!
The King, the Weather and the Donkey
Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.
And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place, and as she shows him around his apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is surprised that this girl would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her so as not to ruin his chances.
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After he has this intense night of passion with this beautiful girl, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"
The woman yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened... but then they danced for the second song too. And the third.
By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride in the chest. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride in the chest."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke five of my fingers."
Three biker buddies are sitting in a bar. A man, who’s already heavily intoxicated, walks in, sits down and orders a drink.
The man looks around and sees the three bikers sitting at a table in a corner of the bar. He gets up, staggers over to their table, and leans over it.
Looking the biggest of the three men in the eye, the drunk man says:
“I went by your grandma’s house and saw her completely naked in the hallway. Man, she’s fine!”
The biker looks at the drunk man and doesn’t say anything. His buddies look confused because people have had their faces kicked in for saying less than that to him in the past.
Leaning against the table once more, the drunk man says: “I got it on with your grandma too. She’s the best I ever had!”
Still no response is received from the biker, however, his buddies are now starting to get angry.
The drunk man continues: “I’ll tell you something else too – your grandma loved it!”
At long last, the biker stands up and says: “Dammit Grandpa, you’re drunk! Just go home!”
An American man was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig.
He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig.
The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth.
The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".
Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".
The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth.
Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".
The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig.
After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."
Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.
In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said:
"Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sexual Studies Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard.
Here was the gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sexual studies!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality.
"Really," he gulped,"like what?"
"Well," she explained, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck."
Saying this, she became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Oh," Said the man, holding out his hand, "Tonto Goldstein, at your service. But my friends call me Bubba."
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says, "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?"
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.
The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will be $6.40 please." So the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then the ostrich said, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.
"The usual?" asked the waitress. "No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," said the man. "Same for me," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.
The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.
The waitress asked, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighed, paused, and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
How do you stop a manfrom raping you? Throw him the remote control.
The Old Man, the Moped and the Ferrari
A hip young man goes out and buys himself an expensive car: A Ferrari 599 GTO. It costs him almost $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "It’s a Ferrari 599 GTO. It cost nearly half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car is a limited edition model!” the young guy says proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly - whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction. It looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How can a moped outrun a Ferrari!?"
But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka- blaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it turns out to be the old man on the moped after all! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers: "Please, please... unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror..."
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money.
The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times.
The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes.
The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him a consolation prize instead, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times.
Once more he had scored three bull's eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes Sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware."
"I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those crusty meat pies."
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.
The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”
The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”
BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.
Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”
BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.
While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said: “you have one wish left.”
The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building's transformation.
The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”
BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered...
“I bet you wish you hadn't had me fixed.”
A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops. Its WWI, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.
He goes up to the first man and says: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies: "sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful." The general asks him: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can."
The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.
The general approaches the second man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: "Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave." The general laughs and says: "It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.
The general approaches the third man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier tells him: "sir, I got strep throat in the trenches." The general asks: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?"
"Actually sir, there is one thing..." Said the soldier.
"I'd like to be the first one to use the brush."
Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood...
The pig and the cow.
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'
There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.
Another Saturday night came around. At about 7 pm., there was a knock on the door. He answered and the young man said,
"Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm taking her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer thought he was a clever boy and wished them a good time.
A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy appeared and said,
"Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. I'm taking her for spaghetti. I hope she's ready."
He thought that he must know Joe, but bade them off as well with his best wishes.
A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.
"Hi, I'm Chuck..."
That was when the farmer shot him.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
Man: Did you fall from heaven? Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
Advice From Uncle Murphy
A few Murphy Laws and Advice...
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich.. Which never works.
If at first you don't succeed.. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
42.7% of all statistics are made on the spot.
If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.
A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer, and walked away.