A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren't. And I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....
“A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?”
What does a caped monkey superhero drive? A banana-mobile.
The New Blonde Stewardess
A new blonde stewardess began her first day.
The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms.
The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!"
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not.
Amazing what all this here smart phone has got.
TV and Weather and Internet, too.
There's just no limits to what it can do.
Check my blood pressure and my temperature
Without even probing all my apertures.
I now know the time in Paris or Greece.
I can track the migration of thousands of geese
Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map.
Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at?
A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots
Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not).
Push this here button and take me a "selfie."
(If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?)
Email to pester with, video to shoot,
Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot!
A compass to guide me home if I'm lost.
Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!).
The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell.
What he would have thought of it, no one can tell,
But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw.
Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe,
They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all
...But how do I just simply make a phone call?
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cellphones.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
A Telling Phone Call
A woman meets with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi...
I'm so glad that you called...
Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time...
Oh, that sounds terrific..Love you too.
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was THAT?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'grownup' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use grownup words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use grownup words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yea... I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone goes back to bed and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this darn hole."
An English, Irish and French soldiers are caught fighting as mercenaries in a foreign land. As prisoners of war, the judge sentences each to 12 months of solitary confinement, but to show he is fair, he will give them each a year's supply of a luxury item of their choosing.
He asks the Englishman what he wants. He says: 'I'll have some of the finest English Gin!'
The judge agrees and sends a years of Gin into his cell.
Next the Irishman: 'I'll have to go with the finest Irish Whiskey'
The Judge agrees and sends in a years supply of 12yo. Irish Whiskey
He asks the Frenchman what he wants and he replies: 'I'll have a case of the finest French cigarettes'
The judge orders in a case of the finest French cigarettes he can get.
The three prisoners are sent into their cells with their chosen comforts and locked for a year with only meals being sent under the door.
After the 12 months is up, the judge returns to release the POWs.
He opens the door to the Englishman's cell and the Englishman hobbles out and says: 'I'm finally free'. before falling down dead and dying of alcohol poisoning.
They head to the Irishman cell and open it and out scuffles the Irishman and says: 'Free at last'. takes a few steps, straightens himself and keeps walking slowly towards freedom.
The Judge turns to the Frenchman's cell and opens the door. The Frenchman looks horrible. He takes a few shaky steps forward, raises his hands and pleads: 'Please... PLEASE... Does anyone have a light?!?'
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and, screaming, said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complaint, the librarian asked: “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
The Prison Numbers
A man is sent to prison for the first time.
The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"
The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"
"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."
Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"
"You didn't tell it right."
A blonde woman was sick and tired of all the unfair jokes about blondes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Texas?"
"T!" she answered.
Twas the night before Christmas
and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred,
they were all on vacation.
The stockings were hung on the wall
with great care,
Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.
I was working the night shift
Answering the phone,
and feeding the rat.
When all of a sudden
there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk to see
what was the matter!
I opened the door
with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man
I knew must be St. Nick.
I had seen his picture
a time or two,
He was wanted:
Article 27 - Section 342.
I threw open the door
and commanded him "Freeze!"
"Put your hands on you head
and get down on your knees."
But he turned and he ran,
up the chimney he flew,
with me in pursuit,
toward Booth St. I knew.
When we got to the roof
Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys
and blocking my way.
As I got to the peak,
he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell
landing flat on my back.
To my front I was faced
with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers
covering my flank.
"On Dasher, on Dancer!",
he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds
and just missed the lead deer.
And I heard Santa say
as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!"
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?"
The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms? An amputee.
The Blond Detective
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad - the new blond recruit, wants the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Chad, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. perhaps he has a creative mind.
"Now Chad, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
"Hey Chad! How was it?"
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Why are blood physicians so rich? Because blood cells.
The Milking Machine
A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch, and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he found that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cellphone (thank God for cellphones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep.
"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it.
Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor.
The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone.
It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so.
I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out and I got in.
We took the corner at a hundred miles per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back.
Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians.
As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again.
She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen – hanging from her left nostril.
She had teeth like the ten commandments – all broken.
She also had the most beautiful eyes – so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one.
Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left breast – breaking three of my fingers!
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail cell together.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
He Has a Chip On His Shoulder
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated during WWII.
One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander.
They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.
The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me."
The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture."
The Italian says, "I've had it."
The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck.
Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood.
The other two ask him what happened.
"Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country,"
Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated.
Three days pass and he returns to the cell.
His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied.
"I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku."
Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life.
A whole week passes before he returns.
Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by two soldiers.
One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago. He's a real man, not like you girls."
The other two are shocked and amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break.
They ask him how he did it. He didn't strike them as so formidable.
"I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak."
"What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask.
"The bastards tied my hands behind my back!"
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
How do turtles communicate with each other? With shell phones.
When a Gyno Becomes a Mechanic
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.
So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.
So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%!
He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.
The instructor said: "no, no that's right.
First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
Why Are You Calling Me Now?
What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
"9 am," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until 9 am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry. "No, not until 9 am!" said the librarian. "Why do you want to get in before 9 am anyway?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
Yo Mama so ugly she had to trick or treat over the phone.
This Caddy Has It All
A man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What features does it have?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"
A husband and wife were walking down a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window.
She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it.
Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day.
A month passes, and the wife is at home wondering where on earth her husband is.
She angrily calls his cellphone.
"Where the hell are you?" she asks.
"Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
"Yeah, I remember that my love!" she replies, smiling and blushing profusely as she does.
"I'm in the bar just next to that shop."
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime? A nerve cell.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera? Because they are very cultured.
What do neurons do on their birthdays? They cell-ebrate
The Light Runner and The Cop
The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cellphone and makeup
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him, and I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''
What Churches might be soon this 2020 and beyond:
PASTOR: Praise the Lord.
PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker.
CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
The father says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep s**t."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
"Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not 'bet his ass.'
David slew Goliath, he did not 'kick the crap' out of him.
We do NOT refer to the cross as the 'Big T'!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, 'Eat me.'
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry!"
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
And lastly, don't EVER refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples as "J.C. and the boys!""
A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He's never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out.
All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it's taking...
They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me," he groans to his wife.
The wife calls 911 on her cellphone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt.
Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the wife calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" he asks feebly.
"No time at all," says his wife. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobilephone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
"It appears that you've got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there," pointed the amused American.
"Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!" Declared the Irishman.
A librarian is woken up in the middle of the night by a phone call.
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
"9 am," he said. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until 9 am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry.
"No, not until 9 am!" said the librarian. "You can't get in by then so you'll just have to wait!"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
What Was Your Answer?
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.
At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while.
He accompanies an officer to check up on them.
The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer.
To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.
"How is that possible?" said the officer. "That wall was solid concrete!"
The warden quietly inspected the cell.
After a few minutes, he exited and said, "He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole."
The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist.
However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall.
And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes.
The warden declared, "According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open."
Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician.
Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation.
The officer sighed. "After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed."
The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled.
"It appears," the warden said, "that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall."
A man came home early from work one day, only to hear some strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on their bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he said.
"I'm having a heart attack," cried his wife.
So the man rushed downstairs to grab the phone. But, just as he was about to start dialing, his four-year-old son came up to him and announced:
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe!
AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"
The man slammed the phone down and stormed back upstairs into his bedroom, past his moaning wife. Then he ripped open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there was his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You jerk!" Yelled the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The Special Prices
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent."
"One single penny?!" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny."
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender.
"But all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Calling the CEO
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
It turns out that he didn't dial the pantry at all.
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee pauses for a moment to think about an appropriate response. He shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No," replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone? "Whodisious?"
The Phone Call
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
*Long pause* "Uh .... is this 555-4821?"
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands? Because they're extinct.
A college student wrote a letter home:
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money.
I feel ashamed and unhappy.
I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.
I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner.
I wanted to take this letter and burn it.
I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.'
A few days later, he received a letter from his father:
'Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!'
The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe.
One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents.
Dad: 'How's your life going, son?'
Son: 'It's going well, dad.'
Dad: 'Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.'
Son: 'No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here.'
Dad: 'Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.'
Son: 'Well dad, to be honest, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.'
Dad: 'My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you more funds this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.'
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson. "No s**t, Sherlock."
A Choice of the Heart
A patient who needs a heart transplant suddenly gets a phone call from his surgeon.
"You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart."
"Are you sure??" Asks the surgeon in surprise.
"Yea, I'd rather have one that hasn't been used."
Two bible salesmen, Rick and Martin, are going on their regular route when the boss rings them.
"Guys," he says, "you two are my best, can you please take my sister's son Andrew with you to try him out? He's got a bit of a stutter but he's a smart boy. I promised her I'd give him a shot."
The two reluctantly agree and wait for Andrew.
"Wasted day." grunts Martin sadly.
"Yep. Gotta help the boss though." says Rick patiently.
Once Andrew arrives and, slowly, introduces himself, they are even more dismayed to discover his stutter was quite pronounced. Deciding to make the best of it, they go from door to door with Martin and Rick showing Andrew their sales pitches. After the first couple of hours and a few neighborhoods, they had sold 7 bibles.
At the next neighborhood, Andrew shyly asks: "D-d-d you m-m-mind if I t-t-t-t take the nex-x-x-t-t-t one?"
The other two exchange embarrassed looks. They both knew how impatient people are. Andrew seemed like a nice boy, and they didn't want his hopes crushed. But there was no help to it. "Well," Rick drawled, "he'll have to learn sooner or later. You take the next one, kid."
Andrew asks them to wait for him and he makes his way to the first few houses. After about 15 minutes they spot him making his way back. They are initially glad to see he didn't seem crushed or disappointed, then shocked when he brandishes money for 10 bibles sold.
"What in goodness name did you DO, kid?" Martin whispers, staring at the money.
“I-I-I t-t-t-told them t-t-t that they c-c-c-could b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-bible or I-I w-w-w-would r-r-read it t-t-t-to them.” Says Andrew.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cellphone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
The Married Couple and the Gorilla
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead
The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door.
"Now Tell him you have a headache."
Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.
"Don`t Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I`ll land this baby!"
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"
Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the brakes, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
A muffled giggle answered him. "Me."
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner. The guy looked really down, so to cheer him up a bit he said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," came the gloomy answer from the cell. "I'm the groom."
A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.
But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.
The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’
‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there, licking his eyebrows.’
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
Things in the bedroom hadn’t been good for a while, so they were going at it over that.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
He began his working day, and didn’t hear a peep from his wife.
By mid-morning, he decided to make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"I was getting a second opinion."
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said: "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
2 Hunters are out one day, they are about to shoot a buck. Suddenly, one of the Hunters clutches his hands to his chest, and falls to the ground. The other hunter, in shock calls 911. The operator begins:
"9-1-1, whats your emergency?"
The hunter nervously says, "My friend just collapsed, I think he's dead!"
The operator responds, "Ok, can you make sure?"
A gunshot is heard over the phone.
"Done. Now what?"
How did the electrician pay for his new phone? He charged it.
The Cat Navigator
There was a man who couldn't stand his wife's cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.
He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. 'This is impossible,' said the man to himself, 'tomorrow I'll make sure he can't come back!'
The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn - right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.
A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It's the husband, and he asks: "Is the cat there?" "Why, yes." says the wife, "he's been here quite a while, where are you?"
"Put that bastard on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink.
Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25 year duration.
The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. "Might as well pass the time drunk." He said.
The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. "Might as well have her lovely company." said he, and the loving wife agreed.
The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. "It's the only thing that will calm me down all these years."
They are locked inside, each with his wish.
25 years pass...
It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men.
They open the first prisoner's door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He himself in a corner, wasted and hardly alive.
Then they open the second prisoner's door, and a whole family steps out - babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell.
Then they open the third prisoner's door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand.
"Does anyone," he asks with a broken voice, "have a light?"
There are some unexpected joys about being on the other side of 70, for example...
Kidnappers aren't very interested in you.
In a hostage situation, you will probably be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building. Or run at all.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension claims.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
And you may not remember who sent you this list.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Dear Mom and Dad
A college student sends a letter to his folks back home
Dear Mom and Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi*$$ you guy$!
- - - - - - -
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Mom and Dad
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead. I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
The Old Lady and the Bold Question
A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”
The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening.
The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine.
Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied in the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know sh*t about cars."
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied:
"I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS."
What is Grammar? The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Topics of Conversation
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blondee.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. Wanting to impress her, he says: "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded.
Finally, he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know jack sh*t??"
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader.
"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."
On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem.
"...secondly Sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in this village."
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
A Blond at the Cinema
I went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blond from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”
“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘Turn Off Your Phone’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”