A guy is having marital problems.He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots.
As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him what Obama said, whether the A's won, or the Giant's lost, what the pope did and so on.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did?"
The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, both the bride and groom were curious as to what a contemporary service entailed.
They weren’t sure, so they promptly asked the pastor.
“Oh there aren’t many differences at all – just a few minor details,” replied the pastor.
The couple preferred the sound of a contemporary wedding over a traditional one, so they decided to go ahead with it.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church.
The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
Upon seeing the groom, the pastor promptly told him: "Pull down your pants,"
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded.
"I think I would prefer the traditional service."
Three divorced men meet up and talk over beer.
"You know, I'm not really enjoying this whole divorced thing." Says Bill, sighing.
"Me too," says Sam, "I was sure I'd be sowing my wild oats by now! But I've had no wild adventures to speak of."
"I hear ya," says Jeremy, "I haven't had one exciting encounter. Even the women I do sleep with never offer anything new or exciting."
"Sounds like we all have the same problem," says Bill. "What do you say we find a brothel and make ALL of our fantasies come true?"
The three, now quite inebriated, all think this is an excellent idea, and follow Bill to the nearest brothel.
When they get there, Bill goes to the madam and tell her they'd all like to do something special and naughty.
She gives him a smile and a wink and all three are led by beautiful women away.
An hour later, Bill and Sam meet up in the lobby, both smirking.
"Wow," says Sam, "I just the time of my life! That wasn't bad at all!"
"You have no idea," grins Bill, "She catered to my every fantasy!"
Suddenly, they both hear a woman scream. "No... NO!! Anything but THAT!"
Rushing to see what the matter is, they find Jeremy getting dressed while his 'lady of the night' is screaming at him.
"Woah!" Says Bill, "What did you ask her to DO, you sick bastard?"
"I just asked if I could pay with discover."
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. Betty White
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Alan Dundes
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” Betty White
My Technology Is Better Than Yours
Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
"It appears that you've got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there," pointed the amused American.
"Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!" Declared the Irishman.
A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home.
The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!". The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option: this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!"
The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one.
One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!". The employee apologizes: "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!". Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one.
One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!"
The employee says "ok sir, let me have a look at the saw". So the employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole shop.
The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks "What the hell is that sound?!?"
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is.
"You're in Hell," said the devil, appearing. "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is!"
"What!?!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"
"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realize - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."
Unconvinced, the guy prepared to object but the devil cut him off.
"Let me give you an example," he said, "what's today? Monday right? Yes, Monday. Do you gamble?"
"I gamble a little bit," said the guy, "I play poker with my friends every now and then and always have a bet on the big horse races."
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Mondays, Monday is our gambling day. In the morning we play blackjack and roulette, at lunch we bet on the horses, in the afternoon we bet on sports games and at night we play cards. It's really a lot of fun, you're going to LOVE Mondays"
"That does sound ok," said the guy, "but if it's all the same to you I want to talk to the man upstairs and see..."
"Do you drink?" the devil interrupted.
"Sure," said the guy, "everyone likes a drink every now and then."
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Tuesdays, Tuesday is our drinking day. We wake up, have breakfast with amazing Bloody Marys that takes us to an early lunch where we have pizza and beer then drink beer and whiskey all afternoon until dinner time where we have the best wines, followed by port and cognac. A very popular day, you're going to LOVE Tuesdays."
"That does sound pretty good," said the guy, "but..."
"Do you ever do drugs?" said the devil.
"I smoke pot every now and then," said the guy.
"Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Wednesdays, Wednesday is our drug day. Probably our most popular day to be honest. We start off nice and easy with the finest hash, then move on to coke as a nice pick me up, then we go out and do ecstasy and dance and have a great time then we wind the day down with some top-notch heroin. And don't worry about the dangers because you're already dead! Yes you're going to LOVE Wednesdays"
"Actually that sounds great," says the guy
"Perfect," said the devil, "are you gay?"
"No, I'm not." said the guy
"Oh," said the devil, "then you're going to hate Thursdays."
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine? Sounds like an inoculate conception.
The Price of Discount
Matt and his wife lived in the country. Matt was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town.
"Let’s go to the fair, Matt,” his wife said, “We haven’t been anywhere for a long time.”
Matt thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said, “all right, but I’m not going to spend much money. We’ll look at things, but we won’t buy anything.”
They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy. There were many things Matt’s wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money. Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small, old looking airplane.
"Fun flight!” the notice said, “$20 for 10 minutes.”
Matt had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn’t want to have to pay for his wife, as well.
"I’ve only got $20,” he told the pilot. “Can my wife come with me for free?”
The pilot wasn’t selling many tickets. So he said, “I'll make a bargain with you. If both of you can hold from screaming or shouting the whole flight, you won't have to pay for her.”
Matt agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife.
The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things, up and down and all around, tricks, fast turns, everything he could to scare them. But they never uttered a word.
Eventually, the pilot said, “O.K., we'll land now. None of you made a sound so your can have her ride for free.”
"Thank you,” Matt said. “Wasn’t easy, especially when she fell out.”
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it, then leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
A woman meets with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi...
I'm so glad that you called...
Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time...
Oh, that sounds terrific..Love you too.
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was THAT?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?!?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching sports on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are YOU doing?" she exclaimed.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
An Embarrassing Vehicle
The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe.
One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents.
Dad: 'How's your life going, son?'
Son: 'It's going well, dad.'
Dad: 'Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.'
Son: 'No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here.'
Dad: 'Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.'
Son: 'Well dad, to be honest, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.'
Dad: 'My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you more funds this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.'
Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?"
Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?"
Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years."
Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first."
Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time."
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade."
Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"
Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!"
Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"
Employee: "Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!"
Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church. As they see the car they wave their hands and point at a sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"
The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!
Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!
One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"
A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt.
The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She gave him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"
Oh my, he sounded sooo sensual! Thought the old lady. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I want is s*x. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" asked the old lady.
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the fellow is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"
The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
The 2.99 Special
If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet..God willing, someday you will be.- the 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say 'WHO'S HORNY?!'
She always acts like she's sound asleep. Works every time!"
There was a Young Lady of Tyre, Who swept the loud chords of a lyre; At the sound of each sweep She enraptured the deep, And enchanted the city of Tyre.
One Saturday morning at three, A cheese monger's shop in Paree. Collapsed to the ground, With a thunderous sound, Leaving only a pile of de brie.
There was a young dentist who thrilled, To the sound of a tooth being filled. He would practise, they said, Every night in his shed, With the old drill he's skilled.
My neighbor came over to say, Although not in a neighborly way, That he'd knock me around, If I didn't stop the sound, Of the classical music I play.
A Different Type of Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome.
However, at the Italian Hell a long line of people are waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Italian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
A few Murphy Laws and Advice...
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich.. Which never works.
If at first you don't succeed.. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
42.7% of all statistics are made on the spot.
If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things'
'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,he finally says, 'Where's the darn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks... But he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds.
Then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first woman. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon, "and that proves she is, indeed, the TRUE mother-in-law."
Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...
when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”
The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”
Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers started getting nervous. “The drums sound closer, and we think they are getting louder! What does it mean?”
“When drums stop, very bad.”
Doing their best to maintain composure the Europeans kept moving. About 5 minutes later the drums abruptly stop and the explorers panic. “The drums have stopped! What should we do?!”
“When drums stop, very bad, now comes bass solo.”
A famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus, is sitting in a bar drinking with Stevie Wonder. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf?"
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." says Stevie.
"You... you play golf!?" asks a dumbfound Jack.
Stevie says, "Sure, I've been playing for years."
"But... forgive me," Says a baffled Nicklaus. "I thought you were blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Stevie Wonder smiles. "No offense taken. It's an understandable question. What I do is I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." He explains.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wonders.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
"And what is your handicap?" Jack asks.
"I play off scratch." Stevie assures him.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is fine with me."
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She said, "that's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter?
I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh that sounds like a Mastercard." He notes.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asked,
"Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replied, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00,
but the Duck Call is $11.00 and
the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
She paid the bill…
A wife is having an affair with a young man, unbeknownst to her husband. The young man makes tremendous love, her husband couldn’t hold a candle to this young man’s abilities. His stamina is never-ending, he’s like a machine in bed. When the affair started the wife and the young man used to keep it strictly between the time her husband was at work but she longed for more.
Eventually they came up with a solution of making a hole on her side of the bed. This way he could make endless passionate love to her from underneath the bed even while her husband home. Things were going great until the wife couldn’t keep quiet during intercourse, constantly moaning.
“Aaaah, aah, aah.”
All the while her husband was lying right next to her. When her husband inquired about this sound, she said it was the air conditioner malfunctioning. The husband became extremely irritated at this sound and told his wife to smack the unit around to quiet it down, as the AC was on her side of the bed.
They continued this secret affair for a while before the husband had had enough of this broken AC and his wife’s refusal to try and fix it in the night. So the next night when they were about to go to bed, the husband lay down on the wife’s side of the bed, so he could try and fix the AC when it started malfunctioning again. The wife reluctantly agreed, she was sure the young man underneath the bed would realize what had happened and just remain still for tonight. She was awakened in the middle of the night from sounds coming from her husband's side of the room.
“Uhhhhh, uhhhh, uuuhhhh...”
Concerned she asked her profusely sweating husband, “Is everything alright?”
“It’s just this darn A/C unit.”
Three kids are talking about their fathers and comparing them.
First kid says: "My dad is the fastest. He’s a drag racer and can do a quarter mile in 9.6 seconds."
Second kid says: "That’s nothing! My dad is a fighter pilot and regularly breaks the speed of sound."
Third kid says: "My dad is faster than both your dads! He’s a congressman. He finishes work at 4 o’clock but is always home by lunchtime."
God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?"
One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the other one says, "Nah, who wants to be courageous? You have to strut around, humans will start hunting you, it's a huge pain. Let's wait." The lions speak up and take the courage.
"Next up, industrious! Who wants to be known for being industrious?" The pig says, "Hey, we could definitely be that. Make stuff, stay busy, it sounds good!" The other pig says, "Are you crazy? Get up at dawn, work all day, who wants that? I'm sure God saved the best for last."
The beavers pipe up and take industriousness, so God goes back to his list.
"Next up, we have wings, who wants to fly?" The first pig says: "Wow, we've got to get THAT one! We could fly all day?" The second pig says: "Exactly, fly around all day, beat your wings all the time? That sounds exhausting, you'd have to fly for hours beating your wings like mad to stay aloft. No thank you! Let's wait for the really good stuff."
God looks at his list, getting to the end. "Let's see, claws are taken, flight went to the birds, the cheetah got speed...
Okay, here we go. Who wants to be delicious?"
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Get Back to My Honey
An 84-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears, the old man answers, "I'm in love with a 22-year-old woman."
"Well, what's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me the best time an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.”
He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears: "I can't remember where I live!"
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus."
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door. The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
The father says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep s**t."
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes!
Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did, they're in your tackle box."
One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot. He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, "Wanna grab a pint?" To which the man replies, "No, I should really be getting back, my wife'll be pissed if I'm late for her dinner." So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand. The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes, "Oops! I'm 4 hours late for the darn dinner!" So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence. She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
"Where the hell have you been?! You're four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!"
The man, knowing he's screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance. Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, "Five feet more lads, we're almost there!"
A very sick man is lying in bed.
He realizes he doesn't have much time left, so he asks his nurse to bring his wife, daughter, and both sons to him, as well as witnesses and a camera to record his last wishes.
When all are assembled, their eyes misty and their faces drawn, he begins to speak.
"My son, Sam, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife just grunts.
"The a**hole has a paper route".
A bored minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!"
The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!"
The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "S*x!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the screen, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen of her tablet:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. - Sure is HOT down here!"
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'
A husband and wife go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child. They are well dressed and well spoken, and the social workers are quite impressed with them. However, when asked about their profession, the couple said that they run a circus.
Hearing that made the social workers raise an eyebrow. It didn't sound so good to them, an environment with animals, that is moving all the time? Doubts were raised about their suitability as parents.
So the couple produce photos of their 55 foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a large and spotless nursery. The social workers are happy to see this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, proper nutrition and exercise - all that a child requires."
Their questions met with such excellent answers, the social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What ages were you looking to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as they fit in a cannon."
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off and told the C-130 pilot:
'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll."
And the lesson?
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing.
When you get older & smarter - comfort & boredom is not such a bad thing.
Us older folks understand this one, it's called
S.O.S - Slower, Older and Smarter!
Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waved goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy.
They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back.
A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.”
Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.”
Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.”
Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.”
Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.”
The guys all agreed Rick was right and continued to work ridiculous hours for the next week.
One day at lunch Andy piped up again.
Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.”
Joe: “I know man. I missed last nights GoT premier and I’m having to avoid everyone who watched it.”
Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.”
Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.”
Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early we will fall behind even more than we already are.”
Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus we will get caught and could lose our jobs.”
Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.”
Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.”
Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?”
Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement.
Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?”
Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.”
Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.”
Joe: “So we're doing it? We're all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?”
Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.”
The three guys went back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave.
Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team.
All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day.
The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work.
Joe all eager from binge watching his favorite shows asked the other guys, “So how was your nights off??”
Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.”
Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.”
Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?”
Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I seen Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely can’t be skipping out early again boys.”
One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape. Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump around saying "ooooh oooh oooh" and so did the ape.
Stopping to think about what to do next, Bob scratched his chin, as he was thinking. Before he could even react, the ape pulled the bars of his cage apart, jumped the moat, and proceeded to beat the ever living crap out of him. A few weeks later, Bob comes to in a hospital room, in full traction. When they realized that he was awake, the staff brought a man into his room, and left the two of them alone.
"Mr. Smith, my name is Albert. I am the zookeeper and I want to see if we can figure out what happened before you were attacked."
"I....don't know. I was looking at the ape, and noticed he was mimicking my movements."
"I need to know exactly what you did."
"Well, when I first noticed it, I was scratching my head. When I noticed he was scratching his head, I started to play around, and I started to scratch my underarms and make oooh sounds."
"OK, then what happened?"
"Well, I was trying to think of something else to do, and I think I scratched my chin, which is the last thing I remember."
"You scratched you chin??? Oh that explains everything! You see, in Ape, that means 'Screw you!'. Thank Goodness, because if the attack was unprovoked, we'd have to put him down."
So the zookeeper left Bob to sit in traction for another six months, and if you've ever been in a cast, you can only imagine the misery of six months of not being able to move, shit or pee, or even get to that one itch, without someone else's help. It wears on a man. So Bob spent all that time coming up with a plan to get his revenge on that darned ape.
He's finally released from the hospital, and makes his first trip to the local butcher, where he buys a giant polish sausage, and a pair of nice new butcher knives.
He then goes straight to the zoo, and marches up to the ape cage, where he is soon standing face to face with his attacker.
"Remember me?" He asked as he got the apes attention, and saw that he was once again mimicking him. He smiled and reached into his bag, and tossed a butcher knife into the apes cage.
When the ape picked it up, Bob got his attention, by holding his own knife high, while he reached into his pants, and pulled the polish sausage out through the fly. Just as he expected, the ape mimicked him, holding his knife high, and his genitals in his other hand.
Seeing this, Bob sliced down with his big butcher knife, cleanly cutting the polish sausage in half. Seeing the sausage laying on the ground, he looked up smugly to see how much pain the poor dumb ape must be in right now... when he saw him standing there, scratching his chin.
These innocent-looking questions are actually cleverly crafted:
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which side would it fall on?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless. “I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"? A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
The Baseball Buddies
Sam and Dean were the best of friends as well as two of the biggest baseball fans the world has ever seen.
All of their lives, Sam and Dean would talk about baseball. They went to all the games they could get to. They even made a pact, as kids, that when one of them dies - the other will return to tell him if heaven has baseball games.
One night, after watching a Yankee victory, Sam happily dies. A few nights later, his buddy Dean wakes up to a familiar sound - it's Sam, and he's talking to him from beyond.
"Sam, is that you?" Asks Dean.
"Sure is, buddy!" replies Sam.
"Wow this is amazing!" exclaims Dean. "So, please tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," answers Sam. "I have some good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news first."
"Ok, well the good news is that the answer is yes, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's incredible! So what's the bad news, then?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears.
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby.
First, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear.
Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It should also make the same sound back at you. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy, right?" The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months.
After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind.
He asked him what happened. The newbee says: "I did as what you told me before. But god darn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!"
A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!"
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow."
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
A Tale of Two Pilots
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive.
He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.
After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
"What did you do?" Asked the confused fighter pilot. "I didn't see anything impressive."
The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. How did you like it?"
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter? PEW PEW
The Physics Oral Exam
The Physics professor decided to test the new students with a simple question:
"What is faster, light or sound?"
"Well obviously light."
"Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound"
The professor sighs and gives a you're-an-idiot look. He moves to the next student asks the same question.
"What is faster, light or sound?"
"Well obviously it is sound."
"Uhhh what?? Why do you think this?"
"Well when I turn on my TV, I first hear it and then comes the picture."
Extremely annoyed the professor is now a bit pissed off. He believes that maybe the question is too hard for these pea brains and tries to vary it. The next student he asks
"You are on the foot of a mountain. On the summit there is a cannon being fired. Do you first see the light of the fire or do you first hear the sound?"
"Obviously you first see the light."
Slightly hopeful the professor says "YES and why is that?"
"Well the eyes are obviously further ahead than the ears."
Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.
True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
"My gosh... Is that you, Dan?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"
"What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
Two men pause their round of golf to smoke a cigar. One pulls out a matchbox while the other pulls the biggest lighter you've ever seen out of his golf bag and proceeds to light his cigar.
The other man stares, laughs and says "Holy moly, that's the biggest lighter I've ever seen! It must be a foot long! That's hysterical. Where did you get it?!"
"Well," The first man sighs. "It's a long story."
"We have hours ahead of us." Pointed out his golf companion.
"Alright, alright." Surrendered the first man. "Thing is, I found a magic lamp while practicing the other day, and the genie gave it to me."
The second man is skeptical and laughs, just to have the first man pull an old oil lamp out of his bag. Intrigued, the second man rubs it, and sure enough, a genie pops out and offers a wish.
The second man doesn't think twice: "I want a million bucks!"
The Genie nods, snaps his fingers, then disappears into a wisp of smoke. For a few minutes... nothing. Then, suddenly, a rumble in the distance.
The rumble gets louder and louder, when suddenly the skies darken and a flock of ducks flies over. There are hundreds, no thousands of them! For 10 minutes straight the sun is blocked out, and everyone is holding their ears to protect from the sound of a million ducks quacking.
Suddenly, as quickly as it started, it ended. As the sound slowly faded away, and as the last few straggling ducks flew over, the men looked around at all the carnage, duck poop everywhere, golfing gear lying scattered as other golfers ran for cover.
Astounded, the second man says "What the hell was that? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
"Yea he's a bit hard of hearing." His friend sighs. "Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"
I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says, ....oh God, she sounded sexy!!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. You name it, we'll do it. Bring anything you want."
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?!?"
The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river. A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish. One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded. Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season.
"Godda**it," the hunter muttered.
Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air!
No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth.
As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden.
Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak.
Then, from above him, a voice boomed:
Linda decided to tie the knot with her long time boyfriend, Roy. One evening, after the honeymoon, Linda was was organizing her law books. Her husband was standing nearby watching her.
After a long period of silence he finally speaks: "Linda, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit lawyering. You spend so much time in the courtroom. You could probably get a good price for your books."
Linda gets this horrified look on her face.
Roy says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-husband."
"Ex-husband!" he shouts, chagrined. "I didn't know you were married before!!"
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins? Listen to their podcast.
3 Village Women
It was 1832, and three women of different ages were walking back to their small farming village. They were carrying their shopping from the market from the next town.
As they draw nearer to their village, they turn a bend in the road and suddenly hear a mumble from what they thought was a pile of mud. They cautiously moved closer to the sound, and in the golden light of the setting sun, they saw that indeed it was a mud puddle, but with a naked man lying face down in the puddle, with his head just out of it.
"Could be someone from the village." Said the first woman.
"We should check and help them back, they could freeze when night comes." Said the second woman.
However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell.
"Turn him over." Said the third, older woman matter-of-factly.
The other two use their feet to gingerly turn the man over. Then let their eyes go downwards.
"Well," said the first woman dryly, "He's not my husband, that's for sure."
The second woman looks over her shoulder and says: "Yep, that's not your husband."
The third woman takes a closer look and straightens with a curse.
"Don't worry girls, he's not even from our village."
I tried to play a bass guitar once. It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
The KGB Way
An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, MI6 and KGB.
The MI6 team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later.
"As far as we can determine, the remains are about 600,000 years old."
Not to be outdone by the MI6, the CIA goes in and comes out about 8 hours later.
"The remains are approximately 615,550 years old. This is what we have been able to determine with our superior forensics technology."
Before the CIA is even done giving their report, the 2 man KGB team is already making their way towards the cave with nothing but a gym bag one of them is holding.
They enter the cave and make their way towards the remains. Soon after, sounds of shouting, swearing and banging start coming out of the cave and they don't let up for 2 whole days. When the KGB forensics team finally leaves the cave, they are dirty and disheveled, their clothes ripped and their tools are damaged.
"So, the remains are 623,118 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days old."
Amazed and dumbfounded, the archeologists and other forensics teams ask how they could possible determine the age of the remains to such an exact date.
The KGB agents look knowingly at each other and one of them says:
This bachelor goes into a bar and notices a major hottie, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move. Despite his best game, the bachelor couldn't achieve any progress with her. "No thank you," she would always say."
The man was determined, this cutie was worth giving up the game. They had an instant connection, but things never got past the formalities!
At the end of the night he finally caved. "Why won't you come home with me?" he whined to her. The woman said: "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"Wow, that must be rather difficult." the bachelor said.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But it has my husband pretty upset."
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Keeping It All Inside
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.
It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.
She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?"
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous! I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
The Trucker and His Emu
An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'Then what's with the emu?!?'
The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big rump and long legs who agrees with everything I say."