A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That's a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish. After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy.
They decided on the name:
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when - in his excitement - his car went out of control and crashed into an oak tree.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side with the warm grin he'd know since childhood.
He asked his brother how his wife was, and his brother replied:
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself: "Oh no, what has he done now?" And he said with trepidation: "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied: "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said: "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
"Denephew," the brother replied.
A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing. I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear? A pear-son.
The Lost Thesaurus
A man loses his thesaurus, which he uses all the time.
He searches all over his house for it. He’s double-checked everywhere, but he just can’t find it. Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members.
His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first.
Man: "Did you take my thesaurus?"
Daughter: "I didn’t take your thesaurus, I was just reading my favorite book. Maybe ask my brother? He always tries to reach into high cabinets, so he might have taken it to stand on."
So the man goes off and to look for his son. He finds his son sitting on the couch, playing video games.
Man: "Did you take my thesaurus?"
Son: "Of course not, I hate reading. Ask mom, she might have it."
So the man looks for his wife, but she isn’t home. He starts getting really frustrated. He goes to the stables to search for her. He goes in but there's just their horse standing there.The man, frustrated, decides to amuse himself.
"I don't suppose YOU know where my thesaurus is, right?"
Horse: "Nope. Oops, I mean Neighhhh!"
An old man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried my weapons.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any weapons, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
The Irish Father and His Son
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whisky instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. One day, the mother heard of a clergyman in town that has been successful in disciplining children in the past, and asked for his help.
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble now... They can't find God and they're blaming it on us!"
An eleven-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card.
The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large black 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son.
"Then what was it??"
"Well, on that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins. Oh, gourd, was it awful.
The Big Anniversary and the High-Flying Kids
A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and one said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
"In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team? Bat boy.
Son, I have a confession
One Sunday morning Michael burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Michael's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your mother, Michael. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm afraid Susan is the result of one such affair. She is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Michael was brokenhearted. He broke up with Susan the next day.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Michael. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Michael was livid! He broke up with Diane that same day, leaving her in tears. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared and told her about his father's secret.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
"Oh, " his mother shook her head, "What are you listening to him for? He's not even your real father."
A very sick man is lying in bed.
He realizes he doesn't have much time left, so he asks his nurse to bring his wife, daughter, and both sons to him, as well as witnesses and a camera to record his last wishes.
When all are assembled, their eyes misty and their faces drawn, he begins to speak.
"My son, Sam, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife just grunts.
"The a**hole has a paper route".
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with sexual favors and she accepted," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo.
Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?"
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!"
A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?"
The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you."
The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?"
Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels? Son: I dunno. Where? Dad: at Camelot.
Who Are Those For, Dad?
A man walks into a drugstore with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe intercourse." the man replies matter-of-factly.
"Oh I see," replies the boy, pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school."
He picks up a packet of three condoms and asks: "Why are there three in this package, Dad?"
"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday," the man replies.
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a six-pack and asks: "So who are these for, Dad?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks as he picks up a 12-pack.
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for? Dad: no he dozen’t.
When it Rains...
A man goes into the confession booth at church.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" Asks the priest.
"Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn't let up. After some time me and the librarian lost our patience and... well.. partied all night, if you catch my drift."
"That is bad but not horrible, my son," Said the priest, "if it is a one-time slip, God will forgive you."
"That's just the thing," said the man, "about a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and... well.. you know, all night long."
The priest remains silent.
The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, "What should I do now, father?"
"What should you DO??" Screamed the priest, "You should get out of here right now before it rains!"
Bill and Marla thought that they had discovered a genius way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 12-year-old son in the apartment.
He was promptly sent out on the balcony and told to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are making love."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
What did the coffee lover name his son? Joe, obviously.
My Son Is Better Than Yours
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God".
What did the football player say to his Chinese son Go Long!
Dear Mom and Dad
A college student sends a letter to his folks back home
Dear Mom and Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi*$$ you guy$!
- - - - - - -
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Mom and Dad
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were alright. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the son, 'I was playing with myself and accidentally shot the dog.'
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country with his father. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter - and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided that that was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting — don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire. It was a hot mess
The Hit List
One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless mommy, daddy and granny. Goodbye grandpa." The father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again:
"God bless mommy. God bless daddy. Goodbye granny." The next day the grandmother died. The father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God bless mommy. Goodbye daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled.
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering.
"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."
The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"
The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
The wife and daughter are NOT amused by the father had said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
The daughter laughs. "A Christmas tree??"
The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner? She flipped out!
A Suitable Penance
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
What did the flower say when her son went off to college? I be-leaf in you.
The Lie-Detecting Robot
A man bought a lie detector robot. Every time the robot detects a lie, it slaps the liar.
He decided to test it at dinner on his son, who he suspected of often lying to him.
DAD: Son where were you today during school hours?
SON: "At school."
(Robot slaps son)
"Ouch! Okay okay, I went to the movies!"
DAD: "Which one?"
SON: Harry Potter
(Robot slaps son again).
"Ow! Okay, jeez - I was watching an adult movie, okay?"
DAD: "What?? When I was your age I didn’t even know those existed!"
(Robot slaps Dad)
MOM: "Hahaha! He's your son, after all!"
Robot slaps the mother.
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"
It was a beautiful day, and at a little fish restaurant a cry suddenly goes up: "My son! My son is choking! Someone help!"
Many of the diners try all kinds of techniques, but none work and the son's face is quickly turning blue. Then a man from a nearby table stands up and says: "Don't worry, I have experience with these kinds of things."
He walks over calmly to the boy, leans down and grabs him hard in the testicles.
He squeezes and a fish bone comes flying out of the mouth of the child. But he is still choking, so the man takes a step back and kicks the boy savagely in the ribs.
Another bone flies out and the child can suddenly breathe. Everyone cheers and claps the man on the back as he slowly walks back to his table and sits down.
"THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" cry the happy mother and father of the boy. "Are you a doctor?"
"No," says the man. "I work for the tax department."
Which Bible character had no parents? Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
The Best Hangover
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
His First Confession
An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde. I started lusting, Father.”
“Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin, my son.”
“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”
The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”
“I’ve never come. This is my first.”
“How come this your first confession?”
“Then… why are you telling me all this?”
“Telling YOU? I’m telling everyone!”
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!”
The priest says: “No son, you’re not.”
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!”
The priest says: “No son, I'm afraid you’re not.”
Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.”
He saunters back into the bar with both priests. As he comes in, the bartender looks up, sees the drunk and groans: “Oh Jesus Christ, YOU'RE back again?!”
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son "Beehive!"
Three Prosperous Sons Return Home to Mom
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took
elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
"William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
What did the wise papa fish tell his son? Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
The Priest, Minister and Rabbi Advice
A man wonders if having relations on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if doing so is work or play, so he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive research, I am positive that sleeping together is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about having relations?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. relations is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, it is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me it's work?"
"Because, my son," said the Rabbi drily, "if having relations was work, my wife would have the maid do it."
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors.
“I’m done for!” he cries in despair.
“No you are NOT!” - comes a booming voice from all around him. “Listen carefully son, and do exactly what I say. Grab the spear from the man on your left use it to stab their chief in the heart.”
The man grabbed the spear and in a strength born of panic he stabbed the chief, who collapses, dead.
The remainder of the tribe stare at him in disbelief. You could hear a pin drop a 100 feet away.
“Now what???” - the man asked the voice.
And the booming voice answers: “NOW, my son, you’re done for.”
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I welcome you into the family!” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied. It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
The Prudish Son and the Sausage Factory
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "this should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said: "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The son, openly sneering, said: "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The furious father thought and said: "Yes son, we call it your mother."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said “son, that’s three schools this year... ...maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
"Son eat the vegetables,they're good for you." "But dad,they taste just like regular people."
Why was the anti-vaxxers 3 year old son crying? He was having a mid life crisis.
The Little Boy and the Gravestones
A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives' gravestones at a cemetery. The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie's gravestone.
The initials under Annie's name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?"
His mother replies, "It stands for 'Rest in Peace.' That means we wish for Grandma Annie's spirit to find peace in the afterlife."
Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman's uncle Joe. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?", pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe's name.
"We really didn't like Uncle Joe." Said his mother.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons? José and Hose-B.
A Circus Visit
Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?
"His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."
Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."
His mom, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing."
Timmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"
Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."
"Mom said it was nothing."
"I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America? Son, we are now Europeants!
The Familiar Old Man
One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"
"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."
"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"
"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."
Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be HIS father?
"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"
"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was!"
Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"
The old man rubs tears from his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
The Jewish Son Problem
A middle-aged Jewish man goes to his rabbi and says, "Rabbi, you gotta help me. It's my son. For 30 years he's a Jew, and now bam! He says he's a Christian!"
"Funny you should say that," the Rabbi replies. "I'm having the same problem with my kid. Let's go see Rabbi Rabinowitz, the Elder.
So they go see Rabbi Rabinowitz. "Both of our sons say they're Christians now," says the younger Rabbi.
"Funny you should say that," the elder Rabbi says. "My son, too! 30 years of being a Jew, and now BAM! Let's go see Rabbi Spiegel, the eldest of all of us."
So the three go see Rabbi Spiegel. "Rabbi, all of our sons are going around saying they're Christians!" the men complain.
"Funny you should say that," says Rabbi Spiegel. "My son, 30 years he's a Jew, and then bam! He's a Christian now." The rabbi gets serious. "The only thing we can do is take this straight to Jehovah."
And the Rabbi kneels and prays, "Oh, mighty God, our sons have been good Jews for 30 years now, but now they're going around saying they're Christians!"
And a voice booms down from heaven: "Funny you should say that..."
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain THAT one to you."
Many years ago, a wealthy woman, quite fond of collecting antiques and curiosities, found a vase during her travels.
She liked the vase so much that she decided to paint her entire display room the same color as the vase. She put out an announcement saying that she will pay out a great deal of money to anyone who can come up with the matching color paint.
Many painters came to examine the vase, but try as they might, they couldn't create a paint quite to the woman's satisfaction.
One day, a painter comes along asking to examine the vase and promising that he could come up with a matching color. True to his word, after a minute looking at the vase, he is immediately able to deliver to the owner's satisfaction, and is awarded the job.
This incident made him famous, which he used to launch a thriving business.
Many years later, he decides to retire and hand over the business to his son. His son says to him, "Dad, I have just one question for you. How did you get the paint to match the vase so perfectly?"
His father looks at him and says: "Can you keep a secret?"
The old man comes close to him, leans over and whispers: "I painted the vase."
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland He said "I am finnished."
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
The Foul Mouthed, 7 Year Old Conductor
A woman overhears her 7 year old son playing with his toy train set.
As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on."
The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again. "This stop is Seattle. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on."
Angry that her son used such foul language, she bursts into the room and sends him to his room for an hour of time out.
After an hour passes, the woman allows her son to play with his train set on the condition he does not repeat what he said. He agrees.
Shortly after, the woman overhears her son playing with his train set once again.
After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. If this is your stop, get off. If this is not your stop, stay on. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen."
There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.
Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself.
The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down."
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'
The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'
Liam replies, 'No, Father. I need to clarify something.'
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Liam. What is it?'
Liam asks, 'Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it.'
The Priest smiles and replied, 'Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself...
"I'LL ALTER HIM."
The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe.
One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents.
Dad: 'How's your life going, son?'
Son: 'It's going well, dad.'
Dad: 'Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.'
Son: 'No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here.'
Dad: 'Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.'
Son: 'Well dad, to be honest, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.'
Dad: 'My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you more funds this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.'
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”
“Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor.
“It’s worth a try.” he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”
“What?” says the priest. “What happened?”
“You gave birth to a child.”
“But that’s impossible!”
“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth.
One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”
The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”
The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
A mother and little boy are visiting the zoo. They pass by the elephant enclosure when suddenly the elephants walk out into the open. The little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, that's nothing." She quickly leads him away.
Some time later, the boy is taken to the zoo by his father, and as they pass the elephant enclosure the child points again and asks his dad: "What's that?'
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"But mother said it was nothing!" said the boy.
The father smiles, draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
There was a man named Ray Berkowitz, and he was at work when his wife called in panic - she was ready to give birth!
He hurried to the hospital as quickly as he could, marveling that his son, Charles, is about to be born.
One day while Ray was out of town for work, he got a call from his wife that she was going into labor. He rushed back but didn't make it before she gave birth... and she called him to tell him it was a healthy baby boy. He drove all night and all day and finally made it to the hospital.
He was so excited he rushed straight to the maternity ward and to the nursery where he found a big glass room with a big sign above the door [BEAUTIFUL BABIES]
Excitedly he rushed in, "I want to see my son!"
The nurse asked for the name.
The nurse looked at the list and said, "sorry sir, your kid isn't here, try the next nursery down the hall."
Perplexed, Ray walked down the fall to another big glass room with another big sign
Alright, "My son will have a pretty easy life looking handsome." He thought and walked in. "I want to see my son."
The nurse looks over her list and says, "sorry sir, not here, try the nursery down the hall."
So the man walks down the hall to find another room with a big sign
"That's alright." He thought. "Looks don't matter."
He walked in smiling and said "I want to see my son, Charles Berkowitz"
The nurse looks over her list and frowns... "Sorry sir, try the next nursery down the hall."
Dejected... the man walks down the hall to a room that wasn't glass, that had a smaller sign over the door -
[Very Ugly Babies]
"It doesn't matter what he looks like." He thinks to himself. "I'll love him no matter what."
He walks in. "Please... I want to see my son... Charles Berkowitz"
The nurse looks down at her list and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, he's not here. Try the next nursery down the hall."
He was getting really worried now... He walks down another long hallway that ends in a single steel door with a little plaque on it that says...
Dad: "Hey son, if you keep masturbating you're going to go blind." Son: "Dad I'm over here."
When Putin and Kin Jong-Un Meet
Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building.
During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had s** with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.
When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.
The father hears the news and, in front of the wife, acts really concerned. He promises her to speak to their son. The moment she turns, however, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had s** with my teacher."
The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, pats him on the back, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. The son is elated.
On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son. Beehive!
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son... It's a faux pa.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.” Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
The Social Security Letter
To: The Social Security Commissioner
My name is Charles Wright and I live on First Street. I would like to present before you the following story:
'Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father came to visit a number of times, and suddenly he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's wife. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
All at once, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Joshua calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is a holiday. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the holiday meal. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Joshua receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Joshua promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Joshua turns to his wife and says, "You were right! They're coming, and we don't even have to pay our half of the tickets!"
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.. He’ll be born in March.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?" "Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!" So we stopped playing chess.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese? "No, but I have grate expectations."
A college student wrote a letter home:
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money.
I feel ashamed and unhappy.
I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.
I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner.
I wanted to take this letter and burn it.
I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.'
A few days later, he received a letter from his father:
'Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!'
One day, a father was washing a car with his son... The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
What did the father say to his falling son? Son, you've got potential.
What's the problem with Father's day? It always falls on Son-day
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
His One Request
A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops. Its WWI, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.
He goes up to the first man and says: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies: "sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful." The general asks him: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can."
The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.
The general approaches the second man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: "Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave." The general laughs and says: "It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.
The general approaches the third man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier tells him: "sir, I got strep throat in the trenches." The general asks: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?"
"Actually sir, there is one thing..." Said the soldier.
"I'd like to be the first one to use the brush."
An American man was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig.
He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig.
The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth.
The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".
Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".
The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth.
Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".
The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig.
After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."