Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say 'WHO'S HORNY?!'
She always acts like she's sound asleep. Works every time!"
Years ago, a man needs to take a flight. As he gets to his plane seat, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him
Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a bloody whisky, you moron.”
The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee.
When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, “And get me another darn whisky while you’re at it, idiot!” Visibly upset, the shaking stewardess returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man loses his temper and decides to try the parrot’s approach: “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, moron, now go and get it or I’ll give you a slap!” In a couple of seconds, two burly disguised security personnel grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out.
As they are falling from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says: “You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’ve got a big mouth.”
Three drunken guys entered a taxi after a heavy night of drinking.
Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them.
He started the engine, turned it off again and said: “We have reached your destination".
“Alright pal, here you go,” said the first guy as he gave him the money.
The second guy thanked him enthusiastically.
The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force.
"What was that for?" Yelled the surprised driver, thinking he was caught.
"Next time don't go so fast! You nearly killed us!"
The kids learn to cuss . . .
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips.
After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like "I see" or "I understand" or "Yes, my child. Go on".
The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.
"You've done well," said the older man.
"Isn't that much better than slapping your knee and yelling 'No way! What happened next?'"
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap her on the as* and tell her to get back to work.
What is the definition of Confidence? When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the as* and say, "You're next babe."
The Rude Customer
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly beautiful waitress came to his table.
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then looks at her, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?"
Again the man looks at her and answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers...
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"
A man bought a lie detector robot. Every time the robot detects a lie, it slaps the liar.
He decided to test it at dinner on his son, who he suspected of often lying to him.
DAD: Son where were you today during school hours?
SON: "At school."
(Robot slaps son)
"Ouch! Okay okay, I went to the movies!"
DAD: "Which one?"
SON: Harry Potter
(Robot slaps son again).
"Ow! Okay, jeez - I was watching an adult movie, okay?"
DAD: "What?? When I was your age I didn’t even know those existed!"
(Robot slaps Dad)
MOM: "Hahaha! He's your son, after all!"
Robot slaps the mother.
They do it without realizing, They don't really have a clue, Reading between the lines, Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument, They think they're always right, No matter what we say or do, They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones, And never take the rap, If they call us moody bitches, Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
How to Get Permission
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.
One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or intercourse?"
She said, "Don't forget your hat."'
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
A Load of Bulls
A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and watches the auctioning off of bulls for stud.
The man selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison...
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:
"Sure, but why don't you ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow?!?"
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Shenanigans in a Dark Tunnel
Our story starts a few years ago, as a train is speeding along through the city. Four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a poor man and a rich man.
Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap are heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably.
The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman, the poor man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!"
The young woman thinks: "Now that's a strange rich man - he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."
The rich man thinks: "Now that's a smart poor man, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped."
The poor man is thinking: "Good, soon we'll be entering another tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again and slap that millionaire silly!”
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
A Cure For Hiccups
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What did you do that for?” the man asks, rubbing his aching cheek.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?” asked the pharmacist with a knowing smile.
“No, but my wife out in the car still does!”