What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."