A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!" The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
The Lab Rabbit
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit
surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," the rabbit replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean? I don't know lettuce sea.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
Why’d the lettuce blush? It saw the salad dressing.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
A bowl of salad went to church Lettuce pray.
How does lettuce listen to music? Headphones.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce? Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What do you call leftover lettuce? The romaines.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce? Cub Salad.
What do you call half a head of lettuce? The Romaine-der.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ? Seizure Salad
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce? Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce? Chicken sees a salad.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce? Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition? Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce? I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn? One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad But there was none Romaine-ing.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store... Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods? Because they're in-bred.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce. We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom? He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid. When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store. Turns out two heads are better than one.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce. The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
A Quick Thinker
A grocery store employee is working in the produce department when a customer approaches and asks to buy half a head of lettuce.
"You can't buy just half a head, we sell them whole." says the employee.
The customer responds "Go get your manager, and I'll ask him."
So the employee goes to his manager and says "Some a$*hole out there wants to buy just one half of a lettuce head..." when he realizes the customer is right behind him. However, he immediately turns and without missing a beat, he gestures: "and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half!"
After the customer leaves, the manager says "That was pretty quick thinking, tell me about yourself. Where are you from?"
The kid says "I'm from Brazil."
"So why didn't you stay there? Isn't it a beautiful country?"
"Yea, but the place is full of either soccer players or sluts." Said he kid.
"My wife is from Brazil!" growls the manager in sudden anger.
"Really?" Asks the kid without losing a beat, "What team does she play for?"