Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whisky instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years.
When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in - maybe they'll do something for your pet."
Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?"
"Oh, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic??"
An Irish priest is driving home from a night at his favorite bar.
A police officer notices a car swerving all over the road and proceeds to pursue. The Irishman pulls over and the cop makes his way to the driver.
Checking the vehicle and noticing bottles all over the floorboard, the policeman asks, "Have you been drinking?"
"I don't know what you're on about, officer. I had just only left church after giving praise to the lord for his many blessings and miracles," said the priest.
The policeman frowned, "Well then, what's in the bottles?" "Water", the priest replied. The policeman reached in and grabbing a bottle, opened the top and was quickly overcame with the smell. "This is wine!" The priest then promptly shouted,
"PRAISE THE LORD, HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"
What do you call an Irish proctologist? Colin O'Scopy.
Some of the Funniest Lines in History...
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“
“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”
“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
“I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the position.”
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
Herbert Henry Asquith
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”
W C Fields
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral? One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
How to Give Your Heritage Respect
A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That's a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish. After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy.
They decided on the name:
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."
The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't."
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at a Home Depot, sir."
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total," says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Please Fill it up with water."
Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy.
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Scotsmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack? Michael flatline.
The Irishman and the Bet
An American walks into an Irish pub.
He asks the patrons, "I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes."
People raise their heads, but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merrymaking, except an Irishman who leaves the bar.
Some time passes and the Irishman comes back to the pub and approaches the American.
"Is yer bet still on the table?"
The American replies, "Sure it is! Bartender, get this man his drinks."
The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.
The Irishman starts drinking and drinks up all the Guinness in less than 5 minutes.
Astonished, the American hands over the money and asks, "Well, may I ask where you went earlier? Did you go to prepare in some ancient Irish way?"
"Nah. I went to the pub next door first to see if I could do it."
An English, Irish and French soldiers are caught fighting as mercenaries in a foreign land. As prisoners of war, the judge sentences each to 12 months of solitary confinement, but to show he is fair, he will give them each a year's supply of a luxury item of their choosing.
He asks the Englishman what he wants. He says: 'I'll have some of the finest English Gin!'
The judge agrees and sends a years of Gin into his cell.
Next the Irishman: 'I'll have to go with the finest Irish Whiskey'
The Judge agrees and sends in a years supply of 12yo. Irish Whiskey
He asks the Frenchman what he wants and he replies: 'I'll have a case of the finest French cigarettes'
The judge orders in a case of the finest French cigarettes he can get.
The three prisoners are sent into their cells with their chosen comforts and locked for a year with only meals being sent under the door.
After the 12 months is up, the judge returns to release the POWs.
He opens the door to the Englishman's cell and the Englishman hobbles out and says: 'I'm finally free'. before falling down dead and dying of alcohol poisoning.
They head to the Irishman cell and open it and out scuffles the Irishman and says: 'Free at last'. takes a few steps, straightens himself and keeps walking slowly towards freedom.
The Judge turns to the Frenchman's cell and opens the door. The Frenchman looks horrible. He takes a few shaky steps forward, raises his hands and pleads: 'Please... PLEASE... Does anyone have a light?!?'
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: "Don't sell that cow".
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a nice day.
Knock Knock Who's there? Irish! Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
The Last Lifeline
Irish Bobby went to American for his dream to make a lot of money.
Luck striking like lightning, he found himself invited to "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire."
Many questions later and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million dollars, he has only one lifeline left - phone a friend.
The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?
A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo
Bobby doesn't know so he calls his friend Billy.
Billy answers 'by Christ Bobby, it's a cuckoo - 100%.'
Bobby goes with the advice his friend gave him and indeed that answer wins the million dollars and he is so very happy.
Afterward, Bobby rings Billy and asks him 'How the heck did you know that? You're no bird expert!'
'Well Bobby you idiot," Said Billy, "What an easy question, He lives in a bloody clock, right?"