The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Jim Thinks He Can Get Any Job
Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications.
He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.
After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?"
"Lots of it," replies Jim.
"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?"
"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."
"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.
Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"
Why did god invent alcohol? So fat women can get laid too.
The Best Invention in the World
A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.
"It is the laser," said the soldier, a man of obvious superior intellect.
"The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional."
"No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind.
"It is the radar. With a radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch."
"I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool.
"The greatest invention is the thermos."
"The thermos?" exclaimed the other two.
"Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, just think about it.
If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it."
"Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two.
"Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"
Why was two piece swimsuit invented? To separate the hairy from the dairy.
My Beer Is Better
At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.
Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,
'in 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.'
Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,
'In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.'
Hans steps up next,
'In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Beck's, the real king of beers.'
Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.
Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.
'Barman, give me a coke with ice please.'
The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.
Eventually, Bruce asks, 'Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?'
Patrick replies, 'Well, if you lot aren't drinking, then neither am I.'
Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual meeting of technological advancement reports.
The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, "We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!"
The crowd was shocked and murmurs of "How could this be!" were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, "I'm sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun."
The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, "Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean." Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall.
An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador's ear. He bowed deeply and said, "My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean."
It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of France's contribution. He stood and looked around, "We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses!"
Now the UN meeting was in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering.
"Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses."
Your beauty is why God invented eye balls, your booty is why God invented my balls.
The Invention of Yodeling
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
Top 10 Blonde Inventions
No one can say blondes haven't done their share of inventing. Here are 10 ingenious blonde inventions:
1. The water-proof towel.
2. Solar powered flashlight.
3. Submarine screen door.
4. A book on how to read.
5. Inflatable dart board.
6. A dictionary index.
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter.
8. Powdered water.
9.Pedal-powered wheel chair.
10. Water-proof tea bag
Corona virus is just like pasta. The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
An Experiment Turned Race
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things.
One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable.
He asked his friend, who owned an old Chevelle if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you to maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph.
The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine.
But, all of sudden, an orange Camaro came up beside them and before you knew it, the fellow driving the Chevelle forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Chevelle.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready.
He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph
He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Camaro and a Chevelle racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"
Two old men are arguing about history and the splendors of athens and Rome.
the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"
The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"
The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"
The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"
The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"
The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED lovemaking!"
The Italian man says "That may be true, but WE introduced it to women!"