A man starts his new job as the administrator of an insane asylum. While he is given his orientation, he was asked if he had any questions.
“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?” He asks.
“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The director then calls up three patients for a demonstration.
He asks the first one, “What is 6 times 6?”
The patient is shaking and nervously says “1000?”
The director shakes his head “no, give this one six more months,”
He then turns to the next patient. This one jumps up and down and screams “February!”
“Oh god no!” Says the director. “Another year for this one!”
Finally, he turns to the third patient who looks at him calmly and says, “Well, the answer is obviously 36.”
“Yes!” Exclaims the director. “How did you know that?!”
“Easy, I just divided 1000 by February.”
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient shrugs and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What Do You Call a Bird...
What bird can do more that others? A Pelican.
What two birds met in the insane asylum? A Cuckoo and a Loon.
What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man's favorite bird? A Swallow.
What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron.
What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can't walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven!
Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.
The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
The second man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a tool belt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house in years..."
The third man says, "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad as I do... My wife is having an affair with... (stops for dramatic effect) a horse!"
The two other man both look at him with a confused look and demand an explanation. Has he gone insane?! Has she?! What the heck was he talking about?
The third man lies back and says: "It's very simple, boys, when I got home last night, I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe."
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked: "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in...
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DARN EGGS"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs!"
The husband simply smiles and remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car."
Three friends go on a hike in a forest. One is a professor, one a CEO, and one a janitor. Suddenly, they encounter a glowing ball of light that resolves itself into a beautiful fairy.
The fairy says “I will give you humans what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day. You will be given all the resources you need.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze.” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He uses the facility to create a huge art exhibit in which he glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, telling the story behind it, then sells it for a million dollars.
After the day way done, the fairy congratulates the janitor.
"But how come you could do all that?" She asks him curiously.
The janitor shrugged. “I have a masters degree in art.”