Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before.
They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.
One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side."
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover."
There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the only solution was to convene for a meeting of all the covens, in which they would either strike a deal for peace, or end it all in violent bloodshed.
The sea witches arrived first, carried upon a tidal wave that bore them up and onto the coast, the waters crashing loudly as they struck the shoreline as if to announce their presence.
The mountain witches rode down the hillside upon magical stormclouds, thunder and lightning bursting from their steeds of vapor, a tumultuous blizzard ravaging the mountains in their wake.
The forest witches, shape-shifters, emerged in the form of gnarled roots which encircled the meeting place and rose out of the ground, bending and twisting into humanoid silhouettes from which sprung skin and clothing, as a flurry of leaves swirled around furiously.
The sand witches arrived in a catering truck.
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard.
The driver says, "That is great. My wife and I do that every night."
The passenger replies, "My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says, "Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set."
The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks, "How was it?"
The passenger answers, "It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks."
The driver looks at him funny and says, "TEN drinks?"
The passenger says, "Yea, after two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "he minded his own bloody business."
It was a sunny day in Rome when the Pope decided that he wants all the Jews out of Rome. Of course, there was a huge protest from the Jewish sector.
So the Pope decided he will give them a chance. He invited them to send their greatest mind for a religious debate with him. If the Jewish man won, the Jews could remain living in the city. If the Pope won, the Jews had to leave. At the Jewish community, they realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too much responsibility, what if they failed? The only one willing was an old man named Moishe.
Being old, he decided he had less to lose. "I've seen and done it a lot in my life. I'm not afraid." he said. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope accepted this, thinking it a wise decision and will prevent them from repeating the same old arguments.
The day of the holy debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for several minutes, contemplating each other.
Then the Pope raised his hand and unfurled them to show three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised just one finger.
The Pope waved his finger in a circle around himself. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat emphatically.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay!'
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was everywhere and will wherever they go from this place. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us, judging us always.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me that we are born with original sin.
The man had an answer for everything. What could I do??'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked.
'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.'
'And then?' asked a woman.
'I don't know,' Moishe shrugged. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them
Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
What Marriage Teaches You
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?"
Susan responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.
It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.
After answering all the questions, there is a tie.
So both are given one final assignment.
It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".
It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.
But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
There's a frog who has a unique kink: He falls in love with human girls.
Of course, no human girl will touch him. Desperate, he goes to a psychic.
The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
Captain Burntwood is an officer of the Union army.
One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Scamelot. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.
"I'm sorry, Captain Burntwood, but we cannot let you go." General Scamelot says. "You are responsible for the death of so many of my men. But we do respect your abilities and what you do for the love of your country, so we will make sure you are comfortable and well-treated. But tomorrow, you face the firing squad but will be given due honors befitting an officer's death. Do you have any last wishes?"
Captain Burntwood puts down his glass of bourbon and says, "I do, let me speak with my horse."
Intrigued by this request, General Scamelot leads him out to the stables. Captain Burntwood takes the horse by the reins and whispers into its ears. The horse whickers and trots out towards the gate. Still intrigued, General Scamelot waves off the guard that tries to stop the horse and the horse walks out of the garrison.
Two hours later, the horse returns with a lovely lady on it. Captain Burntwood cries out and embraces his wife. Quickly understanding (and much nudge-nudge, wink-wink with his fellow Confederates), General Scamelot welcomes the captain's wife and proclaims that he too is married and completely understands, sorry about tomorrow, but they may make generous use of his very own quarters.
The couple spends the night at the general's quarters and, come dawn, Captain Burntwood is paraded onto the grounds where a squad of soldiers are loading their rifles. A priest prays with the captain and then he is brought to the general.
"Captain, have you any last words?" the general asks.
"I do, General Scamelot, but I would say it to my horse." Captain Burntwood says.
At the general's assenting nod, Captain Burntwood walks up to his horse, grabs it by the ears and screams, "Posse! I said bring me my posse!"
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the HELL out of my cab!"
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some time rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There is a line of cabs and at the very end, he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15"
"Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the hell out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to the airport?"
"Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the hell out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. The driver doesn't recognize him and he asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"
The driver responds, "$15".
The guy hands him $15 and says "Great let's go!"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles at them enthusiastically while giving them the thumbs up!
I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.
Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the sun. Tim's eyebrows went up with curiosity. I continued to tell him that the first thing I did that day was to look up the local horse racing track contenders.
Tim raised an eyebrow. I told him that the number 5 contender in the 5th race was named "The Fifth Element." Tim started grinning. Then I told him of what I did to make sure I get my luck working in my favor.
I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of orange juice
I went for a 5 mile jog to feel good.
I spent 5 minutes in the shower washing off.
I dressed in the 5th shirt I found.
I sat in my car for 5 minutes before beginning to drive, then I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row.
I entered through the 5th admissions gate and bought 5 programs.
I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race.
I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.
I settled in and waited for the race to start.
"Well," said Tim. "Did your horse win??!?"
I frowned at Tim and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."
A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him: "Why the long face?"
The salesman replied: "I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure."
"Why is that?" Asked the friend, "I thought you had a good campaign running."
"Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problem - I didn't speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion, he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn't go anywhere without seeing them."
"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.
"The heck it should have!" said the salesman.
"Only no one told me they read from right to left!!"
90-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Darns said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Darnes, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Darnes called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
Curing the Stutter
A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure. He walks into the doctor's office and says:
"D D D D Doctor, you've g g g g got to help m m m me, I'll d d do anyth th th th thing."
The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem....
"Your genitals are massive, and it's causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutter. I can, if you'd like, shorten your penis and relieve the great tension on your larynx. The effects will be instantaneous, and we can operate today."
"D D D D Do it!"
So they prep for surgery and very quickly the operation is performed. It's a complete success, and the man leaves for home delighted to be cured. But that night his wife finds out what he did. She is very unhappy and urges him to reverse the surgery.
The next day, the man returns to the doctor's surgery.
"Hello doctor, and thanks for seeing me again. I'm completely cured and most of all I'm very grateful, but unfortunately my wife is not, I want to reverse the surgery."
The doctor replies: "N N N N N N No Refunds!"
Once upon a time, there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road.
Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on.
The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene.
There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible.
The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.
The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."
The woman ran back to her car.
A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle.
She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it.
The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman.
Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again.
It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."
Two bees ran into each other.
The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee.
"The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee.
"Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again.
The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yamaka," said the second bee.
"Why do you have it on, you're not Jewish."
"No, but I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Caribbean resort.
While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I REALLY make my money."
While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician .
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Of course! Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
A woman meets with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi..."
"I'm so glad that you called..."
"Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time..."
"Oh, that sounds terrific.. Love you too."
She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, "Who was THAT?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Little Johnny Goes to the Zoo With Dad
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo
He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad - the new blond recruit, wants the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Chad, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. perhaps he has a creative mind.
"Now Chad, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
"Hey Chad! How was it?"
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.” ― Erma Bombeck
A Senator at a Primary School
A senator is visiting a primary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," the Senator says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside ... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the Senator. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks the Senator, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying a Senator was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Marvelous!" the Senator beams. "And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
Why is the ocean always blue? Because the shore never waves back.
What did the Ocean say to the shore? Nothing. It just waved.
Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land never waves back.
Getting Out Early
Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waves goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy.
They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back.
A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.”
Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.”
Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.”
Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.”
Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.”
The guys all agree Rick was right and continue to work ridiculous hours for the next week.
One day at lunch Andy pipes up again.
Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.”
Joe: “I know man. I missed last night's episode of my favorite show, and now I have to avoid everyone who watched it.”
Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.”
Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.”
Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early, we will fall behind even more than we already are.”
Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus, we will get caught and could lose our jobs.”
Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.”
Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.”
Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?”
Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement.
Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?”
Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick, your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.”
Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.”
Joe: “So we're doing it? We're all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?”
Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.”
The three guys go back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave.
Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team.
All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day.
The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work.
Joe, all eager from binge watching his favorite shows, asked the other guys, “So how were your nights off??”
Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.”
Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.”
Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?”
Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I see Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely won't be skipping out early again boys!”
Playing in Detroit
A coach for the Detroit Lions was looking for the perfect quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Syria. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Syrian Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” The coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Syrian is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lot of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money.
The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times.
The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes.
The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him a consolation prize instead, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times.
Once more he had scored three bull's eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes Sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware."
"I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those crusty meat pies."
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
After several hours, the two men of the family come back, smiling and tired.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
A young man approaches a fisherman standing in the river.
He waves to the fisherman and says, "Wow, great pole you've got there!" The fisherman smiles, gives a slight nod, and says, "thank you!"
"And man, that's some of the coolest tackle I've ever seen!"
The fisherman smiles and nods proudly, "Thank you!"
"Some high-quality bait, too."
"Thanks again!" says the fisherman with a big smile.
The young man peers down into the river, curious.
"You know," He says. "The fish don't really come through here this time of year."
"Yeah, I know." Shrugged the fisherman.
"Then what are you fishing for?"
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a really good dentist, How did you figure THAT out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War? World War Won.
10 Long Years
A man travels on a ship. Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it's so unknown that no ship ever comes near it.
10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. No ship has ever come.
As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet-suit.
She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.
She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim. The look of the poor man makes her feel a greatwave of pity for him.
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.
“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.
With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.
The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.
“Man, that is good!” he says, sighing in pleasure.
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.
Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.
Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.
The man opens it and takes a swig.
“This is the best day of my life,” he says, grinning.
The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit and looks at the man seductively.
“Now, how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she asks seductively.
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.
“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a game of twister in there!”
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing it just waved.
The Telephone Pole
Three technicians guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified.
The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm gonna give you 1 day to impress me - set as many telephone poles as you can and report back tomorrow."
They all three go to work setting poles and return the next day into the boss' office. The boss asks one by one how many they set. The first guy set 13, "Wow, 13 - that is impressive!" the boss tells him happily.
The second guy set 9. "Well," said the boss, "not as good as the first guy but still it is impressive." He turns to the third guy.
"How many did you set?" The boss asks.
"Two." the man replies triumphantly, his blond hair waving in the wind.
"TWO?? That's it?!?" The manager was shocked. "That's barely any! What were you doing all day?"
"Well, I didn't want to have to be a snitch... but these other guys? They only put theirs halfway in the ground!"
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here!"
"I do," the rabbit replied. "But I have to get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
An Experiment Turned Race
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things.
One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable.
He asked his friend, who owned an old Chevelle if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you to maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph.
The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine.
But, all of sudden, an orange Camaro came up beside them and before you knew it, the fellow driving the Chevelle forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Chevelle.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready.
He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph
He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Camaro and a Chevelle racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church. As they see the car they wave their hands and point at a sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"
The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!
Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!
One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
A Pleasant Surprise at the Bar
A man walked into a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!"
The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!"
The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!"
The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts-they're complimentary."
A grandfather takes his grandchildren to the beach.
They’re playing in the sand when suddenly, a massive wave comes and pulls the smallest grandson out into the water.
Panicked, the grandfather prays to God. “Oh God, please bring him back! Please let him live, in your mercy. I'll do anything and worship you forever!”
Almost immediately, an even bigger wave bursts out of the ocean, setting the little boy down right at his grandfather’s feet.
He scoops him up in a huge hug, crying with relief. Then he stares up at the sky and says, “He had a hat.”
Three buddies are out driving around in a sports car.
It's all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection.
Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly.
Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!!'"
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest.
So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar.
He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. “How many people here make love once a day?”
Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?”
A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
"How many of you make love once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted.
Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling.
The therapist is shocked - this man's reaction completely disproves his theory!
“If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man shouts: "Today’s the day!”
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.
On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" Says the surprised wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," he replied, "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst!"
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really?
What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
But he would be 165 years old."
Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years.
"How have you been?" Oliver asked.
"I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?"
Oliver puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either. And the action! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting laid consistently. Every single day."
Jake couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Oliver living the good life for the past 20 years.
The two friends parted after lunch.
Later that night Jake was having dinner with his family when the phone rang.
"Excuse me, is this Jake?" a voice asked.
"Yes it is, how can I help you?" Jake replied.
"I'm trying to track down Oliver. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued.
"Okay"... Jake asked confused "Can I ask who this is?"
"This is Oliver's parole officer."
A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "Oh my God, what happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?" – Steven Wright
Putin and the Journalist
With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference.
"With Hillary Clinton almost becoming president, and Kamala Harris being elected the Vice President in the United States, do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise up to the highest office of our great nation and become president?"
President Putin responds immediately with a resounding "NO." without any hesitation, shocking all the reporters.
"Why do you think that Mr. Putin?" the reporter asks, surprised and confused at the blunt dismissal.
Vladimir calmly looks at the reporter and says "Because I am not a woman."
What did the sea say to the penguin? Nothing, it just waved.
3 Boys and a Ferrari
Three little lads were on their way home from school when one of them noticed a red Ferrari parked at the side of the road.
He said: "When I'm older I'm going to get a great job and buy one of them."
The second lad said: "I am going to university to get a great education, and a great job and buy one also."
The third lad says: "I'm going to get a job like my sister."
The other two asked what she did.
"She's a prostitute."
"What's a prostitute?" the other two ask.
"I don't know, but that's my sister's car."
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
The Dangers of Drinking and Driving
I would like to share a personal experience I had about drinking and driving.
This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DWI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well recently, it happened to me. I was out for the night to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather lovely red wine. It was held at a great Italian restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
The real surprise to me was that I had never driven a taxi before. Not sure where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. If you want to borrow it, give me a call.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street? Gives a brain wave.
The Surgeon Lecturer
One day when I was a junior medical student, a very important Boston surgeon visited the school and delivered a great treatise on a large number of patients who had undergone successful operations for vascular reconstruction.
At the end of the lecture, a young student at the back of the room timidly asked, "Do you have any control subjects?"
The surgeon drew himself up to his full height, slammed the desk with his fist, and said, "Do you mean did I NOT operate on half the patients?!"
The hall grew very quiet then. The voice at the back of the room hesitantly replied, "Yes, that's what I had in mind."
Then the surgeon's fist really came crashing down as he thundered, "Of course not!! That would have doomed half of them to their death!!"
God it was quiet then.... And one could scarcely hear the small voice ask:
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water. The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "Hey Morris, saw you the other day. You seem to be doing great."
Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor sighed: "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful!"
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! slept with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"
The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could
speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."
So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist.
The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "Sheep lie, ya' know."
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to make love to, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to make love to ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times."
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.” — Unknown
A Frog's Destiny
A male frog goes to a psychic and asks him when he will meet his one true love.
The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges. Vitamin Sea.
Great Catch - I'll Buy You Dinner
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible.
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Now, who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up.
"Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
The bartender is concerned to hear this and tells the man, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you kill yourself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
The man asks him, “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Honestly, if I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or drinking myself to death, I’d kill the guy.”
The man leaps from his stool and shouts, “Hey, that’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar leaving the shocked bartender behind.
A couple hours later the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
The bartender is nervous now. He’s afraid to ask but eventually says, “Did you kill the guy?”
The man says, “No, I slept with your wife! Whiskey please.”
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
A guy is having marital problems.He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots.
As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him what Obama said, whether the A's won, or the Giant's lost, what the pope did and so on.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did?"
The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started suckling on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."