What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company? Human resources.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew? IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea? A monstrositea.
I love making new friends. That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff. He was a bodybuilder, after all.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium? He got atomic ache.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin. Igor: But what is it for? Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster? Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein. I’m just trying to make a living.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster? On a piece rate.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant? He had a hunch about him.
These Headlines Are Real and Totally Hilarious
~ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
~ Filming in cemetery angers residents
~ Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
~ Crash courses for private pilots
~ Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
~ Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
~ Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
~ 30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
~ Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
~ Miners Refuse To Work After Death
A government man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around".
The man is shocked, he says "Sir that is animal cruelty! I'll have to fine you $10,000!"
The next day another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer replies: "Oh the pigs? Only the finest products sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses and hand picked salads!"
The man is shocked, he says "Sir, that food is way too rich for them, they'll get sick! I'll have to fine you $10,000!"
The third day another man approaches the farmer again and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just give them 20 bucks each and let them shop themselves."
Did you just come from KFC, cause your thighs and breasts just gave me a drumstick.
Sherlock Holmes Goes Camping
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his best friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." Also, looking at the stars, I think that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell YOU, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot... Someone stole our tent!"
A large woman goes to a plastic surgeon.
"What can I do for you?"
"Well, I really don't want to spend much money, but I want to make my breasts much bigger. How can you do that for me for almost no money?"
The doctor tells her, "You don't need surgery to do that. Just take toilet paper and rub it on your chest every day."
The surprised woman asks, "How does THAT make them bigger?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?"
Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?"
Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn’t stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that to me since my Albert died some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It made me feel alive. I haven’t felt that good in years!"
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady:" Well, by then, I was feeling a little hot and bothered, so I asked him to come closer."
Defense Attorney: "And did he?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, he came closer.... and then yelled, “April Fools!”
And that’s when I shot the bastard."
An Army Recruit from the Australian outback sends a letter home:
'Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit, and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka show last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone.
"Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."
Twas the night before Christmas
and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred,
they were all on vacation.
The stockings were hung on the wall
with great care,
Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.
I was working the night shift
Answering the phone,
and feeding the rat.
When all of a sudden
there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk to see
what was the matter!
I opened the door
with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man
I knew must be St. Nick.
I had seen his picture
a time or two,
He was wanted:
Article 27 - Section 342.
I threw open the door
and commanded him "Freeze!"
"Put your hands on you head
and get down on your knees."
But he turned and he ran,
up the chimney he flew,
with me in pursuit,
toward Booth St. I knew.
When we got to the roof
Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys
and blocking my way.
As I got to the peak,
he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell
landing flat on my back.
To my front I was faced
with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers
covering my flank.
"On Dasher, on Dancer!",
he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds
and just missed the lead deer.
And I heard Santa say
as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!"
You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. That will sure show you.
Two Cannibals Look For Food
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
There once was a cruel king who enjoyed executing whoever he pleased. A minister once gave him wrong advice the king decided to have him killed. He ordered that the minister to be thrown to the ravenous and vicious guard dogs.
The minister said, "I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do THIS?"
The king was without mercy.
The Minister fell on his knees pleaded, "Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs."
The king thought about it, weighed his curiosity vs. his blood lust, and finally agreed.
In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to feed the dogs for the next 10 days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comforts for them.
When the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced. When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The ferocious dogs were wagging their tails, playing with the condemned minister and even licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw. "What happened to the my vicious dogs?!" He growled.
The minister then said, "I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn't forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all of it at my first mistake!"
The King then realized his own great mistake.
The next day, he replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
An Old Cowboy Goes to Starbucks
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the fellow is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"
The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Could Have Been Worse
James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.
"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.
"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."
"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.
"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.
"Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"
James smiles at him: "Could have happened to me."
I blame your perfect breasts for my inability to focus during our conversations.
Two Men With Black Eyes
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fat, evil hag'."
A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh... he is breast fed!" replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
After a few minutes of this, the doctor motions to her to get dressed, then he says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman responds with a wry grin, "Well of course I don't."
"Why is that?" Asks the doctor in surprise.
"Well, I'm his aunt, but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in today!"
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza? A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
The Cat Catastrophe Instructions
HOW TO FEED A PILL TO A CAT:
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
Wrap it in cheese.
I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it.
Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor.
The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone.
It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so.
I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out and I got in.
We took the corner at a hundred miles per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back.
Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians.
As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again.
She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen – hanging from her left nostril.
She had teeth like the ten commandments – all broken.
She also had the most beautiful eyes – so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one.
Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left breast – breaking three of my fingers!
It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my very first rectal exam. His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse:
"Darn it, Ethel! I said a BUTT light."
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck.
Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary!"
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn't really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asked: "Why the black underwear?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She was standing there with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit ... except that he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with this ... a black condom?"
"Well." He said, "I wanted to offer my deepest condolences."
What are you going for tonight: thighs or breasts?
This turkey looks great. So are you a breast man or a thigh man?
Dear Turkeys, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, women.
The Mother, Father and Argument
A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering.
"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."
The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"
The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
The wife and daughter are NOT amused by the father had said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
The daughter laughs. "A Christmas tree??"
The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor."
Again, there is a bright flash and... both his legs fall off.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry." How about dinner?
The Doctor's Waiver
The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack.
The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.
After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.
"Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate se*! You'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active intercourse and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such se* with you."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office.
His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous se* any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"
Long ago, Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in the ancient North, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the village doctor. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm getting married next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay."
"Well I'll have to put it in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight." Said the doctor. "It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a little 4 sided splint, and roped it all together. Quite an impressive work of art for those times.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and celebrated all night drinking. After the feast, he carried her to his house. As they got inside, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, "Olaf...you're the first vun! NO vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena. Still in DA CRATE!"
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
She used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
The Old Man and the Rain
An old man was walking in the desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality, taking care of his donkey and feeding him.
While having dinner, he was surprised to be offered camel milk, as it is of notoriously bad taste. He thus asked about it and was told that the village has been cursed with an everlasting drought, and that the people have resorted to saving however little water they could find for crops.
"Truth be told, I am one of the wise.", he said, "I know how to bring you rain. However, you must first bring me a wide bucket full of water, for I need some to bring more."
The next morning, all of the villagers heard of his saying, and started collecting every drop of water they still had in reserve. In the end, there was barely enough to qualify for a bucket, and they gave it to the man.
He then took the water, and walked within his host's house. There, he took off his dirty clothes, and started washing them. A curious one of the kids saw him through the window, and went on to alert everyone around.
By the time they arrived, angry and shouting, it was already too late. The old man has washed all his clothes and was calmly hanging them.
"Shame! Shame on you, old man, for wasting our water when our kids don't have enough to drink!" growled the chief.
But as soon as he finished speaking, the sky darkened as the clouds gathered around the village. It started raining and it did not stop for 5 days straight. People got their fill, and everyone's reserves were overflowing. The old man was treated as a guest of honor and a hero, and the chief apologized profusely for ever doubting him.
Only when he was about to leave, had the kid gathered the courage to ask about how he did it. "It's simple" said the old man "This always happens when I hang my clothes to dry."
Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle? Because his wife died.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel.
Before We Die
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”
Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.”
The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him.
The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.”
Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt.
After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having made love to a woman.
Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off.
As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.”
The boy says “just a LITTLE longer next time dad!”
A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants.
"An elephant?" The zoo director asks.
"Yes, the biggest one you have, please." the man says, quite certain.
"I mean, we can do that..." the director muses, "But it won't be cheap. That's $5,000 per day of rental alone and an additional $4,000$ for transportation. And you'll need to feed the elephant on your own bill, too."
"That will not be a problem." the man says. "I'll just need him for a day, so here's $10,000 for your troubles."
With that settled, the elephant gets transported to the mans address.
"Very good. Put him in the bedroom on the second floor", the man orders. The personnel tries to get the elephant into the house, but he just doesn't fit through the door. Without hesitation, the man calls a construction company and rents a crane to get the elephant up, through the dismantled window and then re-seal the window at horrifyingly high cost.
"You know what, it is none of my business", the zoo director asks at this point, "but I must know: What is all this for?"
"Well, you see", the man explains, "My wife's brother is living with us and he's a horrible know-it-all. Every quiz show we watch, he blurts out the answers before we can even take a guess. Every morning, he solves our crossword puzzles. He has beaten me fifteen times in a row at Trivial Pursuit.
But this evening... This evening he will go upstairs, come back down and say: 'Hey, guess what, there's an elephant in my bedroom.' And I won't even look up from my book and just say 'Yes I know.'"
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed. It’s forever burned in her mammary.
The Doctor's Plants
Two doctors, Dean and Gable, are treating a man with lung disease. They’re explaining how his smoking weed has led to his condition worsening.
“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”
Dr. Jenkins sighed. “Nature isn't all innocent. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just 5 minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!”
The man seemed to accept that, and promised to stop his smoking.
After he left, the doctors went to lunch. As they were sitting down to eat, Dr. Smith asked, “Oh by the way, what IS that plant that kills you if you sit under it?”
“A water lily."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well! We'll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight - you don't have any milk!"
"I know," she said. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm certainly glad I came."
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
The Mysterious Monks
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door. The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell.
How did it get so late so soon?
It’s night before it’s afternoon.
December is here before the year's grown,
my goodness, how the time has flown.
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs... I guess I'll just wing it
Little Johnny is Fascinated
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Caroline raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see New York City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher sighed and said, “Well, that was good Caroline, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, now the teacher knew he was a bit of a scamp, but she was desperate to finish this lessons, so she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.”
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware. He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures,and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . . nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip." he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my
menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and made love for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
A-ha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse.
"Look at what he did to my breasts!"
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience.
During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck - you name it, she had it.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation when she is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
"Oh, " Said God. "I didn't recognize you."
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
A Severely Sunburned Man
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work? IHOP.
A Small Problem
A young couple took their little boy to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their son appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor could find no reason for it. However, the mother continued her search and after weeks of asking around, gets to an old wise woman who everyone swears knows more strange cures than anyone alive.
"Feed him pancakes!" She declares immediately. "People won't believe it but it'll solve your problem!"
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."
A farmer took his truck in for repairs. The local mechanic's couldn't do it while he waited: so, as he didn't live far, he said he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem. - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" she asked.
"Well, “ said the farmer, “as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would gladly walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
“Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,” suggested the little old lady, “carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
“Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said. “'Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” “Holy smokes lady!”, the farmer said. “I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
“Well, if you WERE to do such a thing,” the old lady replied, “you would set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I would hold the chickens.”
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
A young Italian girl was going on her first date.
Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice. Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try and kiss you, you are agonna likea that... but don't let him do that.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea that too... but don'ta let him do that! But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing that willa disgraca the family!!"
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance.
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Well yea it is." Jim said innocently. "8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.”
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to make love to, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to make love to ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times."
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating. That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
The Legless Parrot
A guy is having marital problems.He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots.
As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him what Obama said, whether the A's won, or the Giant's lost, what the pope did and so on.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did?"
The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started suckling on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store/ livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchase home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.
The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a shortcut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others? Vlad the impala.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck. Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
The Physical Exam
90-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Darns said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Darnes, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Darnes called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
On the Breast of a woman named Gale was tattooed the price of her tail and on her behind for the sake of the blind was the same information in braille.
On the Breast of a woman named Gale was tattooed the price of her tail and on her behind for the sake of the blind was the same information in braille.
The Ventriloquist and the Farmer
A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"
The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could
speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."
So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist.
The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "Sheep lie, ya' know."
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This “TRUE” interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?”
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED.
Chad wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Chad a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Chad is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Chad decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Chad remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the bloody dishes."