Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
A Holy Advantage
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness.
When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them.
God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."
Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously.
This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark.
When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost.
He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.
The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his foot. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
As Blind As A...
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered in blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.
Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, glumly, "I didn't."
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"
After Mrs. Grandapple found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...
After Mrs. Grandapple found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Grandapple kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'
Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Grandapple answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...'
'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.'
'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .'
'Very well, then.'
The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.'
'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Grandapple. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'
'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.'
'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'
'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Grandapple gasped nervously.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'
'Don't I know!' breathed Mrs. Grandapple.
The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Grandapple the picture
'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Grandapple, tugging on her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Grandapple another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Grandapple.
'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Grandapple was amazed.
'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Grandapple leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually CHEWED on your, um...equipment?'
'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done. Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'
'TRIPOD? ' Mrs. Grandapple looked extremely worried now.
'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am? Good God, she's fainted!'
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.
Gathering strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying, but wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other: "Look, Pepe, that's the נשדאשרג that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes. Dark, isn’t it?
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?" His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?" Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Little Johnny and His Little Scheme
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret - and this makes it very easy to blackmail them, merely by saying: "I know the whole truth."
So Little Johnny decides to try it out. When he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, "I know the whole truth." His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your mother."
The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy decides to try again "I know the whole truth," he asserts boldly.
The mailman stops in his tracks, then, tears in his eyes, drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms and says: "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!!!"
I got pulled over earlier today...
Cop: “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.”
Me: “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.”
Cop: “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?”
Me: “A car..?”
Cop: “Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?”
Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know.”
Cop: “Just as I suspected, you’ve been drinking.”
Me: “But sir, I didn’t drink anything.”
Cop: “Okay, then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?”
Me: “A motorcycle.”
Cop: “Well DUH. I meant... is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?”
Me: “I have no idea!”
Cop: “Go figure, you’re intoxicated.”
Me: “Okay, then let me ask you this. You’re driving on the highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, high heals, and a bra for a top. What would you call her?”
Cop: “A hooker of course.”
Me: “Yes of course, but is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?”
And long story short things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
The Missing Wife
A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!"
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?"
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my Jeep."
Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?"
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown)
The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate? Turn off the lights.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Shenanigans in a Dark Tunnel
Our story starts a few years ago, as a train is speeding along through the city. Four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a poor man and a rich man.
Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap are heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably.
The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman, the poor man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!"
The young woman thinks: "Now that's a strange rich man - he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."
The rich man thinks: "Now that's a smart poor man, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped."
The poor man is thinking: "Good, soon we'll be entering another tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again and slap that millionaire silly!”
After a while the boy says: "Hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared.” “How do you think I feel?" Said the stranger. "I have to walk back alone."
The Fortune Teller and the Bad News
During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"
"Sure." I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it. What has come of this world, when a man won't give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
"Thank God you're not like that." She smiled at me. "I suppose it's silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age."
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive."
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.
She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.
And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"
And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"
And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this."
And she agrees.
That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats below deck.
He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn.
After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear.
"WHAT are you doing here, madam??"
And she tells all, "I...I'm a stowaway! I have an...arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food."
"And?" says the captain
"And...well. He's screwing me."
and the captain says,
"He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Fine, fine, just be quiet."
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again. The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time. He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
"Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover sighs. "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
The Old Lady and the 3 Wishes
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.
The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”
The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”
BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.
Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”
BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.
While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said: “you have one wish left.”
The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building's transformation.
The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”
BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered...
“I bet you wish you hadn't had me fixed.”
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
There was an Old Man of the Cape, Who possessed a large Barbary ape, Till the ape one dark night Set the house all alight, Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
There once was a lady from Guam who said, "Now the sea is so calm, I shall swim in the dark!" She encountered a shark. Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
The Firefighting Hero
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still, the firefighters could not get through.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.
The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."
A bishop and a bishop are having a tennis match.
The bishop is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the priest who is clearly better. After a volley from the priest, the bishop misses and yells: “God*amn it! I missed!”, startling the priest. He lets it slip and the match continues.
But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the priest, the bishop misses and again yells: “God*amn it! I missed!”
“Stop it” yells the priest. “You can’t use the Lords name in vain like that!”
The bishop apologizes. “I’m sorry, my son. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.”
“Fair enough.” grumbles the priest, and the match continues.
It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the bishop misses and slips again, shouting “God*amn it! I missed!”
Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the ball midair.
A thundering voice emits from the skies...
“Da*n it! I missed!”
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
I Wonder If It's Him...
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt," he said gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit fool asked, "What did you teach?"
What kind of horse do you ride after dark? A night mare.
The Human Lightbulb
Two blondes are working at a warehouse.
One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”
She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”
“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO HOME!” shouts the boss.
The second blonde picks up her tool bag and heads towards the door. “Where in the HELL do you think you’re going??” the boss exclaims.
“What? I can’t be expected work in the dark!”
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
The Copying Error
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R! We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: "The word was... the word was... CELEBRATE!!!"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, "What do you want? Here's $10. Leave us alone."
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
"Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something."
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself."
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".
To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"
It was a dark winter night, and among the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club's bouncer was surprised to see a man in an expensive suit and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand.
"Sir, are you lost?" asked the doorman.
"Oh, I'm the statistician." came the reply.
"Then, what are you here for?"
With an unsettling grin, the statistician pulls out a knife.
"Oh, just standard deviation."
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She said, "that's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter?
I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh that sounds like a Mastercard." He notes.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asked,
"Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replied, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00,
but the Duck Call is $11.00 and
the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
She paid the bill…
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
"Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”
The man replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”
She says to herself "Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it."
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
“So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”