What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.