The Physics professor decided to test the new students with a simple question:
"What is faster, light or sound?"
"Well obviously light."
"Alright, why?"
"Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound"
The professor sighs and gives a you're-an-idiot look. He moves to the next student asks the same question.
"What is faster, light or sound?"
"Well obviously it is sound."
"Uhhh what?? Why do you think this?"
"Well when I turn on my TV, I first hear it and then comes the picture."
Extremely annoyed the professor is now a bit pissed off. He believes that maybe the question is too hard for these pea brains and tries to vary it. The next student he asks
"You are on the foot of a mountain. On the summit there is a cannon being fired. Do you first see the light of the fire or do you first hear the sound?"
"Obviously you first see the light."
Slightly hopeful the professor says "YES and why is that?"
"Well the eyes are obviously further ahead than the ears."
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday and you better have gotten some results or you're going straight to jail."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge.
"156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your sphincter before prison... '"
A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.
This was what they said:
The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea;
The whole thing gave them a stomach ache.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body." while hiding behind a patient.
The Pediatricians said, "Grow up!", then held their breath until blue.
The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch.
The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step.
The Urologists felt they were pissing away money.
The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.
The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no...
And the Surgeons weren't even allowed to cut in!
There are some unexpected joys about being on the other side of 70, for example...
Kidnappers aren't very interested in you.
In a hostage situation, you will probably be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building. Or run at all.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension claims.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
And you may not remember who sent you this list.
Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?"
Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?"
Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years."
Boss: "Yes."
Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first."
Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time."
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade."
Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"
Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!"
Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"
Employee: "Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!"
Three explorers--a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker--were trekking through the jungle when they were captured by pygmies.
"I've got good news and bad news," says the chief. "The bad news is that we're going to cook you, skin you, and make canoes out of your skin."
"That's terrible!" exclaims the Brit, "What's the good news?"
"Well..." the chief responds, "We'll let you choose the manner of your death, and even perform it yourself if you'd like."
The Frenchman steps forward first. "I vill take ze rope, s'il vous plaît."
The chief hands him a rope. The Frenchman ties a noose and shouts "Vive la France!" before strangling himself.
The pygmies cook him, skin him, and make a canoe out of his skin.
Next, the Brit steps forward. "I'll have a bloody pistol, chaps."
The chief hands him a pistol. "God save the Queen!" shouts the Brit, and blows his brains out.
The pygmies cook him, skin him, and make a canoe out of his skin.
Finally, the New Yorker steps forward. "Gimme a fork!"
"A FORK?!?" The pygmies are perplexed, but nonetheless, give him a fork.
He starts stabbing himself in the face, neck, chest, and legs. All over his body, he plunges the fork into his skin until he is bleeding from a thousand tiny holes.
The chief is aghast. "Good Lord! What are you doing?!?"
The New Yorker bellows,
SCREW YOU, AND YOUR CANOES!"
A British Anthropology professor travels around Africa, researching his next book. In Zanzibar, he decides to rent a local boat with a guide to travel.
The journey is slow, and the boatman is silent. Before long he gets restless and bored. He seeks to converse with the boatman. “Tell me ," he says to him. "Do you know Biology, Psychology, Geography, Geology, or Anthropology?”
The boatman said, “No, I don’t know any of these.”
“Then your brain is too small for me." Said the professor haughtily. "You will probably die of ignorance.”
The boatman said nothing. And they awkwardly continued.
An hour later, the boat sprung a leak and started to sink. The boatman asked the panicked tourist, “Do you know any swimology and escapolgy from crocodiolgy?”
"What??" spluttered the professor. "No!"
The boat guy replied, “Well then today you will drownology and crocodilogy will eat your assology.”
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".
"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *&*hole.
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
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