There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”
Once upon a time there was a thief and a politician who were friends. One day, they entered a chocolate store.
While they were busy looking around, the thief stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the thief said to the politician: "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."
The politician replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and politician said to the shopkeeper: "Hey do you wanna see magic?"
The Shop keeper replied: "Sure!"
The politician says: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop keeper gave him one, and he ate it. He asked for a second, and he ate that as well.. He asked a third, and finished that one too.
The shop keeper asked: "But where's the magic?"
The politician replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find it!"
A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives' gravestones at a cemetery. The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie's gravestone.
The initials under Annie's name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?"
His mother replies, "It stands for 'Rest in Peace.' That means we wish for Grandma Annie's spirit to find peace in the afterlife."
Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman's uncle Joe. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?", pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe's name.
"We really didn't like Uncle Joe." Said his mother.
A policeman is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the policeman moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the policeman smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
"Now we run!"
A teen came to her mom and said "mom! I've got 10 dollars"
Her mom said "Where from?"
"Tommy from down the road he dared me to do a cartwheel" she replied
"Dear that boy is just trying to see your panties!"
"oohh" the girl says
The next day the girl comes to her mom and says "Mommy I've got 20 dollars!"
"I told you not to trust that boy!"
"No mom I tricked him, I didn't even wear panties today!"
There is a folktale about Pinocchio, one that claims he never became a real boy, but instead grew up and became a wooden man.
One night, Pinocchio's girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. I love you Pinocchio, but every time we make love... I get splinters.”
So Pinocchio goes to Geppetto to ask his advice.
Geppetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need. Just be careful with it, don't injure yourself!"
A few days later Geppetto runs into Pinocchio and says, "So, my dear boy, how are you doing with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" says Pinocchio.
A husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be 8 again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 8 again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!"
A man is sent to prison for the first time.
The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"
The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"
"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."
Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"
"You didn't tell it right."
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?!?"
The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "he minded his own bloody business."
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it and so far, I've made $20!"
This is a the story of a 5 years old son, who, after watching a story of an Emperor on TV, said to his mother:
"Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me, one can bath me...."
Mum smiled and said: "Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep."
After some thought, son said: "Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!"
Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness: "My sweet son!"
"Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?"
"Let them sleep with daddy!"
Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness. "My sweet son!"
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. One day, the mother heard of a clergyman in town that has been successful in disciplining children in the past, and asked for his help.
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble now... They can't find God and they're blaming it on us!"
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
--------------------------
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
--------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.
--------------------------
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license!
--------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''
The protagonists of this joke are a husband and a wife.
The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.
"I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife.
The husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.
"I'll have it ENLARGED."
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”
Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.”
The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him.
The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.”
Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt.
After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having made love to a woman.
Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off.
As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.”
The boy says “just a LITTLE longer next time dad!”
A man was in a bar with his buddies, recounting the events of the previous week.
It was payday the previous Friday, so he had decided to stay out with his friends for a spot of drinking. An evening out turned into a whole weekend of partying, and he only returned home on Sunday night, to bear his wife's inevitable wrath.
“My wife wasn’t too pleased that I didn’t show up for a whole weekend,” he said.
“What did she say to you?” asked his buddies.
“Well, she just nagged for what seemed like an eternity, then at one point, she asked me how I’d like it if I didn’t see her for two or three days,” he replied.
“And what did you say?” they asked.
“I told her it would be fine by me!”
“So did she leave?”
"Well no, she didn’t leave, but the joke’s on her. On the third day, my left eye opened up a little bit."
A widower, on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed. They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Would you do me a favor? I would give you each a dollar, if you promise to come around and do your thing."
The boys were more than happy to accept this and continued to bang the bins.
After a few days, the man came out to meet them with a sad smile, and said, "This recession really is putting a dent in my income. From now on, I will pay you each 50 cents to continue."
The boys were unimpressed by this, but continued to do the same afternoon activities.
A few days later, the man approached them again and said, "Look, the recession has again reduced my income, so from now on, I am afraid I can only pay you 25 cents each."
The leader then exclaims angrily, "That's it? If you really think we are going to waste our time banging the bins for 25 cents each, you must be a fool. No way that's going to happen. We quit."
The man then enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that fact.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
"I'm great!" She replies.
"What are you doing?"
"I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are stupid. So I painted the house!"
"That's wonderful, honey. Thank you!" He beams. "Just one question, though, "why are you wearing your ski jacket over your fur coat?"
"Well, I wanted to be thorough, and the directions on the paint can say: "For best results, put on two coats.""
A father, mother and child went out to spend time on the beach on a hot summer's day, but as soon as they reached the beach they discovered that there was a black flag there, a sign not to enter the water. The boy really wanted to get in the water, but his mother did not agree and they stayed on the beach to rest in the sun and play in the sand.
After a few minutes, the father got bored and turned to his wife: "Keep an eye on the boy, I'm going into the water, there's no way the sea is really that dangerous." After a few minutes the boy asked "Mom, why did you let dad get in the water and not me?"
"Because you and father are two different people and there are things he can do and you can't." answered the mother.
"Is it because dad knows how to swim really well?" continued the boy.
"Not really" answered the mother.
"Is it because dad is big and strong?"
"No."
"Then why is daddy allowed to enter the water and I'm not?" the boy complained.
"Because daddy has life insurance."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
The father says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me the money. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while the money is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in the c*apper."
A man walks into a drugstore with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe intercourse." the man replies matter-of-factly.
"Oh I see," replies the boy, pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school."
He picks up a packet of three condoms and asks: "Why are there three in this package, Dad?"
"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday," the man replies.
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a six-pack and asks: "So who are these for, Dad?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks as he picks up a 12-pack.
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building.
During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
An American couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The American couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.
“Vell,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic primary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Hey, we can take all we want.
God is watching the apples."
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, "What do you want? Here's $10. Leave us alone."
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
"Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something."
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself."
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".
To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"
In a prison in China, prisoners are discussing who's in for what and for how long.
"Hey, Zhang- what are you in for?"
Zhang: "Strangled my wife's lover to death. Got 15 years. How about you, Wei?"
Wei: "I got 10 years for robbery and stabbing. What about you, Wang?"
Wang: "I got 5 years for attempted rape. What about you, Liu?"
Liu: "25 years for being lazy."
All the other prisoners: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Liu sighs. "Well, my neighbor and I were playing Go and after few shots of wine, started telling jokes about Jinping and the government. After my neighbor left, I thought to myself: "I should go to the government and report him". But it was late and I was tired, so I decided to go just wait until the morning and went to sleep.
My neighbor, on the other hand, wasn't as lazy..."
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!".
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...
One afternoon early into the first semester, a group of loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”
The boys were more than happy and continued to bang on the bins every day on their walk home.
After a week, the old man walked out and greeted the kids again. However this time, he didn’t have a smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income." he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50¢ a day to keep you kids banging the bins.” The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.
A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my retirement checks yet so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25¢ to bang on the bins. Will that be okay?"
"That's it!?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25¢ a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days...
A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp on the ground. Instinctively, he picks the lamp up, rubs the side of it with his sleeve, and out pops a genie. The genie thanks the man for freeing him, and offers to grant him three wishes. The man is ecstatic and knows exactly what he wants.
“First,” says the man, “I want a billion dollars.”
The genie snaps his fingers and a briefcase full of money materializes out of thin air.
The man is wide eyed in amazement and continues, “Next, I want a Ferrari.”
The genie snaps his fingers and a Ferrari appears from a puff of smoke.
The man continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”
The genie snaps his fingers and the man promptly turns into a box of chocolates.
A race of aliens visits earth one day. They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean JC?", responds the alien.
"Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize.
"Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates!"
"Why? What did you guys do?"
A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...
A boy, about 8, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy.
“No, they went into town,” the boy replied.
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked.
“No, he went with mom and dad,” the boy said.
The man stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says: “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The man said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my sister pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said: “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting — don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."
A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"
A Polish woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night.
"What happened?" The husband asks worriedly.
"Nothing..." said his wife, "I just don't understand how you can sleep with such a small salary."
* * *
A Polish father tell his daughter: "My darling, don't merry this man. He's crippled, ugly and an orphan."
The daughter, surprised and angry, tells him: "I only care about love, daddy, I don't care about his looks or his background."
Her father says to her: "I'm not talking about that. Don't you think he's suffered enough?"
* * *
A polish man goes to the doctor and complains: "Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!"
The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor.
The man breaths in relief. "Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!"
* * *
Two Polish husbands are talking.
One says: "My best friend, Jimmy, ran away with my wife."
The second asks: "Is he still your best friend?"
"Not since he brought her back."
* * *
A Polish husband says to his friend: "Don't ask, my parrot died."
The friend: "Of old age?"
"No, of frustration. Since I got married he hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise."
* * *
A Polish mother asks her daughter: "I understand you've been having some disagreements with your fiance' about the wedding?"
The daughter: "Just small things, like I want a white dress and he doesn't want to get married."
* * *
"Will you cry at my funeral?" Asks a Polish husband his wife.
"Sure," answers the wife, "you know I cry over the silliest things."
All of Broomtown was abuzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married.
Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.
The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little whisk-broom.
"But, how can that be?!?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!!"
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.
His mother, concerned at her boy's tears, asked, "What’s the matter little Johnny?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb bang on with the hammer!" said little Johnny through his tears.
His mother was touched by the boy's sensitivity, but didn't like seeing him cry.
"That’s not so serious." She tried to soothe him. "Now I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. That's something to laugh about."
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
A little boy boards a public bus and sits down right behind the driver.
He begins to speak: "If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."
After listening to the boy rambling on and on in the same manner for a while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed.
He turns around and says to the boy: “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?”
In an instant, the boy responds: “I’d be a bus driver.”
The bus driver probably should have seen it coming!
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country with his father. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter - and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided that that was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster - everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dress size, you dumbass!"
A blonde woman was sick and tired of all the unfair jokes about blondes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Texas?"
"T!" she answered.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and making love.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many contraceptives he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say a prayer and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!"
The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."
One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.
"What did you do today?" I asked.
She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls!" she chirped.
Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don't," she added.
"Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously.
I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy."
I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.
"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" she asked.
My palms were beginning to sweat.
"Um...well…" I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?"
Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered.
She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's ‘cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."
That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole, I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things.
As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.
"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"
I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.
There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.
She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it … and I did … she got over her pique.
That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Fine, fine, just be quiet."
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again. The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time. He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
"Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover sighs. "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest sighs, "Please don't you start that again."
The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.
The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: A joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you can stay, but if he does not, you are banished. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half.
All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came.
All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing.
He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down...
...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again.
It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act.
The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went berserk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art.
Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away.
At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait.
It was then than the bison was called. He lumbered up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to fail He hesitated, stuttered, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom.
The joke, was it even a joke? was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion.
Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?"
"What Bison?" replied the tortoise. "I was laughing at the zebra's joke!"
There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.
First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”
“Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”
Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.
“What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked.
The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
The old man beat the boy to the gate.
I'd tell you a confidence joke but I'm insecure
I'd tell a war joke but I'm afraid it would bomb
I'd tell an enema joke but you couldn't hold it in
I'd tell a flogger joke but it doesn't have much impact.
I'd tell a bondage joke but it's too restrictive.
I'd tell you an underground railroad joke but you'd run away.
I'd tell a monotone joke but it doesn't have any range
I'd tell a hanging joke but I always choke
\I'd tell you a constipation joke, but it's full of... well, you know.
I'd tell a Wesley Snipes tax joke but it's too evasive
I'd tell a big ass joke but it's too much to grasp
I'd tell an amputee joke but I don't have a leg to stand on
I'd tell a cyber-security joke but you couldn't hack it
I'd tell a joke about a joke but it'd be recursive
I'd tell a pot joke but it's half baked
I'd tell a small penis joke but there's not enough there
I'd tell a gay joke but I'm not sure I could tell it straight
I'd tell a porky pig joke but tha..tha..that's all folks!
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.
He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam.
So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.
The second boy said to his friend, "My mum told me that if I ever saw a naked lady, I’d turn to stone.”
"I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between girls and boys, and which one is better.
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.
She sticks her tongue at the boy and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
“Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Michael Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Sighing, thinking about his many sins, he gets into the church. Spotting there is no line at the confessional, he pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
Shocked, he realizes here’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. On the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me." Says Murphy. "I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that this place is much better than it used to be!"
The priest freezes and stares at him.
“Get out, you idiot. You’re on MY side!"
A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's O.K.," she says.
"They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl!"
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
'It's a period,' he replied.
'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Darned if I know,' chirped the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!'
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really?
What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much...
But he would be 165 years old."
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy and am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blone jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
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