A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine.
Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.
As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
Which bat can hang the highest and longest? The acro-bat.
Where do bats go to gamble? Bat-lantic City.
Where do bats like to relax? In the bat-tub.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
How do bats line up in school? In alpha-bat-ical order.
What was the most famous bat comedy team? Ab-bat and Costello.
What is a good place for bat jokes? A public bat room.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games? Bat-on-twirlers.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you? A bat-mare.
What game do bats like to play with birds? Bat-mington.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks? More than a bat.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell? A ding-bat.
What holiday do bats love best? St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball? He was a bat boy.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker? Bat-a-tat.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake? Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team? Quater-bat.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock? She turned into a ding-bat.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath? Because she did not have a bat robe.
What problem did the young bat experience? The hangout.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
What’s a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
How do you hold a bat? By the wings.
What do you call a bat with the flu? An airborne disease.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank.
How do bats spend their time? Flying and hanging out.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance? A bat ball.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
How do bats greet a friend? With a sound wave.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Where do bats get their education? In night schools.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What game do little bats like to play? Batty fight.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball? A home run.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert? Pineapple upside-down cake.
What do vampire bats call their friends? Blood brothers.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrors-cope.
What did the bat complain about? Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile? Meals on Wheels.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
Why do psychiatrists study bats? They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Why did the bat look for a job? She was tired of hanging around.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur? He drove everyone batty.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best? Neck-tarines.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us? They can't get the hang of it.
As Blind As A...
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered in blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.
Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, glumly, "I didn't."
What's brown and very bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.
The Hillbilly and the Whistles
A man who had spent his whole life in the countryside visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the hillbilly, "Why'd you ruin my good kettle?"
"Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"