An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.
So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After they are done the Italian sits back pleased.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?” After a slight pause.
She replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So….....please.... you FINISH?”
“No no, I’m Swedish!” Says the blonde.
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first woman. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon, "and that proves she is, indeed, the TRUE mother-in-law."
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: do not step on the ducks!!”
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
A ship, sailing past a desert island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years.
The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.
“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.
“That’s my house,” says the castaway.
“What’s the second hut for?”
“That’s my church.”
“And the third hut?”
“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to.”
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'
The Day of Judgment came, and all the people in the world who were worthy reached heaven, where the heavenly angels divided them into men and women. The angel Gabriel was revealed before all the men and ordered them to stand in two rows; One would be all the men who had retained their strength in the relationship, and the other - men who had surrendered to their wives. Meanwhile, the women were taken elsewhere, apparently to pass their own test...
Of course, as soon as the women disappeared, most of the men immediately made their way to the first row of men who stood their ground, did not give in and wore the “pants” in the house. But under the scrutiny and judgment of the angels, they slowly began to wander to the second line of the submissive men. So it went on for a long time until finally there were only three men left in the first row, while the second row lengthened and extended beyond the horizon.
Gabriel looked at this scene with a very disappointed look and turned to all the men:
"You should be ashamed of yourself, you were created in the image of the Creator, and the woman was created from your bones, but you have allowed yourself to let her rule over you, only these three men are exceptional and I am sure they can teach you a thing or two."
“Hey you,” he said to one of the three men, "How do you describe your relationships? How do you feel knowing you are one of the most special men in the world?"
"The truth?" answered the man, "I was lonely or stuck in unhappy relationships all my life, and now that we are here, my greatest regret is that I did not treat women better."
The surprised angel did not lose his enthusiasm and hurried to ask the other man how he described his relationships in life.
"All my life I've gone from relationship to relationship, I've never found love and I've always wanted to change my ways and treat women better, now I can never do that ..." he said and burst into tears.
The confused angel hurried to the third man. "Please tell me, you seem quite satisfied and relaxed, what’s your secret, how did you manage to be the only man in the world who controls his relationship, that stands his ground, doesn’t give in to women, and still looks so sure of himself?"
"I'm sorry but I don’t have an answer for you," said the third man. "I'm just standing here because my wife told me to wait here and not move until she comes back ..."
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle. The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Farmer Comes to the Rescue
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.
They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday? None, only babies.
You Sure That's What You Want?
A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No - think of another wish."
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
A cowboy and a red Indian are walking through the desert... After a short time the Indian stops the cowboy before dropping to his knees and placing his ear to the ground. Upon standing the Indian says firmly "Buffalo come"
"That's amazing" says the cowboy, "How can you tell that?"
The Indian replies...
If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work? IHOP.
Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
Women defy the laws of physics... They are easier to pick up the heavier they get.
Why did god invent alcohol? So fat women can get laid too.
Why did God create orgasms? So women can moan even when they're happy
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? a $100 bill.
What have women and condoms got in common? If they're not on your di** they're in your wallet.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred. Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald. Mark Roberts
An Old Cowboy Goes to Starbucks
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
One Sunday morning Michael burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Michael's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your mother, Michael. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm afraid Susan is the result of one such affair. She is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Michael was brokenhearted. He broke up with Susan the next day.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Michael. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Michael was livid! He broke up with Diane that same day, leaving her in tears. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared and told her about his father's secret.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
"Oh, " his mother shook her head, "What are you listening to him for? He's not even your real father."
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10-foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.
Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally, the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something - you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
'I want the name of the summamabich that pushed me in the pool!'
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling:
"You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little a**hole on your lap!"
Three women and three men are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three men each buy tickets and watch as the three women buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the guys. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers a woman.
All of them board the train. The men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the men decide to copy the women on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the women don’t buy a ticket at all.
”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one of the perplexed men. ”Watch and you’ll see,” is the answer.
When they board the train the three men cram into a restroom and the three women cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the women leaves her restroom and walks over to the restroom where the men are hiding. She knocks on the door and says in a low voice, “Ticket, please.”
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
The Magical Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "the women would say, 'what a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say:
'Sorry, I can't do it...It's booked up for a year...'
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine? Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Men and Women Take Different University Courses
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back..
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie suddenly appeared.
"Noble sir," he thundered. "You have three wishes you may ask of me."
"Alright," said the government clerk. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sexual Studies Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard.
Here was the gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sexual studies!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality.
"Really," he gulped,"like what?"
"Well," she explained, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck."
Saying this, she became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Oh," Said the man, holding out his hand, "Tonto Goldstein, at your service. But my friends call me Bubba."
How cold IS IT?
It's so cold THAT...
The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
You have to break the smoke off your chimney.
You have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
Police tell a robber to freeze, and he really does.
Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
People look forward to getting a fever
Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears
I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post
Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins
Lady Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Prisoners are begging for the electric chair.
Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.
Roosters are rushing into KFC and begging to use the pressure cooker!
A streaker froze in mid-streak!
I chipped my tooth on my soup.
Dunkin' Donuts is serving coffee on a stick.
The local flasher was seen describing himself to three different women this morning.
We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
I actually saw a gangsta pull his pants up.
I'm drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Ice cubes are coming out of my faucet.
Trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Cops are tasing themselves.
I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
The ice cubes in my drink have goose bumps.
When all is said and done, I'm really thankful for the HOT FLASHES!
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
Give Me Whisky
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
Many years ago, two cowboys come upon a Native American lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Native American looks up.
"Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Remarkable!"
The Native looks up weakly and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally, the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
During King Solomon's reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.
The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.
They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, "Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!"
The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, "Bring him the sword."
The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, "Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!"
King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, "The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!"
The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, "My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!"
"Right!" King Solomon replied, "This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!"
Two old men are arguing about history and the splendors of athens and Rome.
the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"
The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"
The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"
The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"
The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"
The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED lovemaking!"
The Italian man says "That may be true, but WE introduced it to women!"
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.
After answering all the questions, there is a tie.
So both are given one final assignment.
It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".
It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.
But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!"
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?"
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my Jeep."
Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?"
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown)
The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
Michael Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Sighing, thinking about his many sins, he gets into the church. Spotting there is no line at the confessional, he pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
Shocked, he realizes here’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. On the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me." Says Murphy. "I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that this place is much better than it used to be!"
The priest freezes and stares at him.
“Get out, you idiot. You’re on MY side!"
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.
All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days, they met up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and, a mask.
He saw me and said: 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but we had wild fun all night!"
The married woman said: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home.
I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
The Old Man and the Potato
A young man moved to the beach area and is trying to meet women, but isn't having much luck. One day, the young guy is walking down the beach, and he passes an old guy, who is completely surrounded by young beautiful women in bikinis vying for his attention. The young guy scratches his head and keeps walking, but can't understand how that old guy is meeting so many women...
The next day, he takes a stroll on the beach again, and passes the same guy, who once again has many attractive young women with him. The next time he walks down the beach, he sees the old guy again, and he still has hot young women all around him. Finally, he decides that he has to know the old guy's secret, so he pulls the guy aside and asks, "How do you do it? How do you always attract so many hot young women?"
The old guy responds, "Tomorrow, when you head out to the beach, slip a potato inside your bathing suit!"
So the next day, the young guy slides a potato into his bathing suit and heads out for his daily beach walk. But today, all the women are actually moving farther and farther away from him! He finds the old guy again and says, "Hey, what's going on? I followed your advice, I put a potato in my bathing suit, and the women are practically running away from me!"
The old guy sighs and says: "Try again tomorrow, but this time, put the potato in the front!"
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
My Experience With Women
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.
I like my women, like I like my ice cream, fat free and dripping down my fingers.
How to Avoid Execution
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
Three men die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter
Saint Peter says to them: "I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas."
The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "This represents the Christmas tree."
He is allowed into heaven
The second man pulls out his keys and jingles them "These represent bells."
He is allowed into heaven
The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear and shows them to St. Peter, who is taken aback.
"Good lord what do THOSE represent?!"
The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols."
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to make love to a woman, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can make love all night!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and
started banging his manhood on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Bubba? Is that you?"
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Why do women take baths to relax? Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year? Discrimination.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept. Why are women so irritable? Because men are so irritating.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." Why don't women have men's brains? A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in!
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?" God replies: "So you can love them, my child." "Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?" "So that they can love you back..."
Looking for a Wife
Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.
One day, a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, why not find a girl who's just like your mother?"
A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred sighed, "My father doesn't like her."
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Back in the old Wild West, there were two stupid scoundrels, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground." He then says, "If any man brings me an Indian’s prized horse, I'll give him $1000."
The two men looked at each other, walked out of their bar and mounted their horses. It wasn’t long before they saw an Indian, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.
He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there. The two nuts scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.
Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, look at this!" Dave replied, "Not now – can’t you see I’m trying to catch a prized horse!?”
Jeff shouted again, breathlessly: "I really think you should look at this."
“Why don’t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?”
But Jeff was adamant. "Please, just take a damn look!”
So Dave stopped running, looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians – and their horses.
Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
'"House" in French, is feminine - "la maison", while "pencil" in French is masculine - "le crayon."'
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.
So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroads. The stoplight was red, but they just drove through it.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red, and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said: "Oh! Am I driving?"
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes of golf, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Same problem."
Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.
The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."
The third woman says "I'm catholic too but we use the bucket and saucer method."
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
I've had bad luck with European women: Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain) Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach Lauren Gitis -- too quiet Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Why are men sexier than women? You can't spell sexy without xy.
The Ugly Romeo
A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.
But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.
The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’
‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there, licking his eyebrows.’
Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two in the front and 3 in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t going over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?" "Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!"
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.
His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?”
He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.”
Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?”
He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.”
“The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.”
“Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.”
Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??”
“The one with the big boobs”.
Long ago there was a man who had a 25-inch penis. After consulting many people and finding no solution to his big problem, he decided to consult with a local witch.
Once with the witch, he said, ''I need your help. My penis is so big it's hard for me to find women who can accommodate me. Can you help me?" The witch said, "Go to the forest, in the middle of it you'll find a frog, ask it to marry you. It is a cursed frog, and every time it says no, the curse will cause your penis to shrink 5 inches, which in your case is actually a blessing!"
So he went to the forest, and after hours of walking he found the frog, kneeled down and asked the frog to marry him.
The frog said, "No."
Then his penis shrunk five inches.
He asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" And again, the frog said, "No."
And it shrunk another five inches.
Then he thought, "15 inches is still too big. I'll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine."
So he asked the frog one more time, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, "I told you: No, no, and NO!"
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded, "You're lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: "We will never forget you!"
It was the beginning of a new academic year at the college, and the freshmen were beginning to arrive.
The job of introducing the newcomers to their new surroundings belonged to the Dean of Women.
During the opening speech of the lecture, the Dean saw fit to bring up the subject of sexual morality, in line with the college's conservative values.
She asked the freshmen: "In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
The freshmen half-heartedly muttered in agreement, and the lecture went on without interruption.
At the end of the lecture, the Dean decided to ask the freshmen if they had any questions.
One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:
"How do you make it last for a whole hour??"
A leather worker was flying to Australia when his plan crashed. As bad luck would have it, he got separated from the rest of the floating passengers and found himself stranded on a small deserted island.
Desperate to survive, the leather worker searches the island for food to eat. Luckily, he finds a herd of docile cows on the island. He successfully hunts one of the cows and skillfully cleans and prepares the cow's skin and meat for himself.
With a steady supply of food, the leather worker knew it was time to find a way off the island. He decides to make a large canopy out of the cow's leather and used some leaves to spell out S.O.S that could easily be seen from above. A few days later, a passing plane spots the message, and calls a ship to rescue the man.
It just goes to show you that when all else fails, the best thing to do is to hide in plane sight.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Where Should We Go For Our Birthday?
Four women share a birthday and always celebrate it together.
For their 40th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants.
For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list.
For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it's quiet and has a nice view.
For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it's wheelchair accessible.
For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they've never been there before.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation? Mumbai.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days? It's the mask era.
My Son Is Better Than Yours
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God".
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
Somehow, some of the politicians survived, and continued to plead for someone to rescue them from beneath the earth.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
"Well," The old farmer replied with a thoughtful expression, "some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean But it was too Tsunami.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing."
"Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "Our problems are over, there's no way they will fail to find us now!"
How does the serial killer like his coffee? How he likes his women—all ground up.
Some of the Funniest Lines in History...
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“
“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”
“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
“I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the position.”
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
Herbert Henry Asquith
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”
W C Fields
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
It was 1832, and three women of different ages were walking back to their small farming village. They were carrying their shopping from the market from the next town.
As they draw nearer to their village, they turn a bend in the road and suddenly hear a mumble from what they thought was a pile of mud. They cautiously moved closer to the sound, and in the golden light of the setting sun, they saw that indeed it was a mud puddle, but with a naked man lying face down in the puddle, with his head just out of it.
"Could be someone from the village." Said the first woman.
"We should check and help them back, they could freeze when night comes." Said the second woman.
However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell.
"Turn him over." Said the third, older woman matter-of-factly.
The other two use their feet to gingerly turn the man over. Then let their eyes go downwards.
"Well," said the first woman dryly, "He's not my husband, that's for sure."
The second woman looks over her shoulder and says: "Yep, that's not your husband."
The third woman takes a closer look and straightens with a curse.
"Don't worry girls, he's not even from our village."
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together to his groin, rolling around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.
"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man grunted, still lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
"Don't be silly, Let me help!" she told him and, following her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside.
She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels terrific, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Fay's Jokes Wind Everybody Up
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"