A circus manager is busy tiding is office when a scrawny little guy walks in the door. He walks over to the manager, and he says "Are you the boss here?"
The manager says "Yeah. What do you want?"
He says "I'd like to join the circus. I got an act."
The guy says "Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is."
So this little guy goes over to the center pole, and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top.
And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath, and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms.
And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes.
Then he gets all the way up, and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground, flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And he says "Well, what do ya think?"
"That's all you do? Says the boss disdainfully, "Bird imitations?"
John worked hard for his living and his wife decided that he deserved a treat for his birthday, so she blindfolded him and took him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greeted them and said, "Hey, John! How ya doin?"
Once inside, his wife removed the blindfold but she was puzzled and asked if he'd been to this club before.
"Oh no," said John. "He's one of the security guys I meet on my business trips."
When they were seated, a waitress asked John if he'd like his usual and brought over a Budweiser.
His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress at the bar around the corner from work. I always drop in and have a Bud on Fridays, honey.”
A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around John, started to rub herself all over him and said, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
John's wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. John followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her.John tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turned around and said, "Geez John, you picked up a real piece of work this time."
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
The Brother, the Sister, and the Hot Dogs
A country boy who lived his whole life in the village gets permission on his 16th birthday to go visit his older sister in New York.
What the family doesn't know is that the daughter is a "working girl" and she was really scared that her brother, coming to stay with her, will figure it out.
So when he comes over and asks her what she does, she said: "Oh, this is New York, I sell hotdogs."
"Oh WOW!" Her brother said excitedly. "I LOVE hotdogs and I heard New York has the best, can I come with you tomorrow to work and get a free one? Please??"
The sister, appalled, said she would be ever so busy, and she was sorry but no. She'll bring him some when she comes back.
Her brother, a little sullen at the news, hatched a plan.
When the sister left the following afternoon, he walked behind her, following her until she came to a big house and disappeared inside.
It seemed a bit of a weird place for her work but he followed her in, and there was greeted by a beautiful woman, wearing very little.
"Hi there handsome," she purred at him. "Come to satisfy your "appetite"?
"I sure did!" Said the boy enthusiastically.
"Wonderful," smiled the woman, "how do you like it? Standing up or lying down?"
"Well," said the boy, "I'd rather have it in a bun."
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry." said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a BJ.
"Oh my God!", cried out the Queen, "What's happening in THERE??"
"Same issue, better health plan." Replied the doctor.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
The Old Man and the Puddle
It was a long day at work, and George decided to leave his London office and walk to the pub across the street to get a few drinks.
The rain was pouring as he stepped out, and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. As he crossed the street, he noticed a ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
His curiosity piqued, he stopped next to the old man and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing." The old man said simply without looking at George.
"Poor old fool." George thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he thought he'd humor the old man and asked, "Well... how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth."
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Some People Shouldn't Write Signs!
Some signs either make no sense or too many!
On a bathroom door:
"Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."
In a laundromat:
"Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
In a london department store:
"Bargain basement upstairs."
In an office:
"Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
Please bring it back? Or further steps will be taken."
Outside a secondhand shop:
"We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?'
Notice in health food shop window:
"Closed due to illness."
Spotted in a safari park:
"Elephants please stay in your car."
Seen during a conference:
"For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
There is a day care on the 1st floor."
Notice in a farmer's field:
"The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges."
Message on a leaflet:
"If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
On a repair shop door:
"We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door
The bell doesn't work)."
A man notices his wife's butt is getting big.
I bet your butt is as big as my grill." He tells her.
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener?"
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
The Old Lady and the Rubber Gloves
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms."
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
A Distraught Man Visits a Psychiatrist
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.
"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed.
"I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived... And it's getting worse. Doctor, it's getting worse!"
"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"
"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?!?"
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business. He made some excellent points.
The Priests, the Car and the Warning
Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church. As they see the car they wave their hands and point at a sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"
The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!
Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!
One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"
A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.
A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same.
He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally, the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat.
But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.
The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "he minded his own bloody business."
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Do We Know Each Other?
Two men are standing at the urinal, doing their business, when one starts to strike up a conversation.
"Excuse me, sir, do you happen to be Jewish?"
"Yes, indeed I am."
"And do you happen to be from Krakow?"
"Yes, how do you know?"
"And you always went to the little synagogue in the Pitliwsky road?
"Yes, do we know each other?"
"No, but Rabbi Goldberg was responsible for the Bris there, and he was infamous for not being able to make a straight cut."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"You're peeing on my shoes."
How do fish go into business? The start on a small scale.
The Berkowitz Baby
There was a man named Ray Berkowitz, and he was at work when his wife called in panic - she was ready to give birth!
He hurried to the hospital as quickly as he could, marveling that his son, Charles, is about to be born.
One day while Ray was out of town for work, he got a call from his wife that she was going into labor. He rushed back but didn't make it before she gave birth... and she called him to tell him it was a healthy baby boy. He drove all night and all day and finally made it to the hospital.
He was so excited he rushed straight to the maternity ward and to the nursery where he found a big glass room with a big sign above the door [BEAUTIFUL BABIES]
Excitedly he rushed in, "I want to see my son!"
The nurse asked for the name.
The nurse looked at the list and said, "sorry sir, your kid isn't here, try the next nursery down the hall."
Perplexed, Ray walked down the fall to another big glass room with another big sign
Alright, "My son will have a pretty easy life looking handsome." He thought and walked in. "I want to see my son."
The nurse looks over her list and says, "sorry sir, not here, try the nursery down the hall."
So the man walks down the hall to find another room with a big sign
"That's alright." He thought. "Looks don't matter."
He walked in smiling and said "I want to see my son, Charles Berkowitz"
The nurse looks over her list and frowns... "Sorry sir, try the next nursery down the hall."
Dejected... the man walks down the hall to a room that wasn't glass, that had a smaller sign over the door -
[Very Ugly Babies]
"It doesn't matter what he looks like." He thinks to himself. "I'll love him no matter what."
He walks in. "Please... I want to see my son... Charles Berkowitz"
The nurse looks down at her list and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, he's not here. Try the next nursery down the hall."
He was getting really worried now... He walks down another long hallway that ends in a single steel door with a little plaque on it that says...
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
Flying Back From the Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sexual Studies Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard.
Here was the gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sexual studies!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality.
"Really," he gulped,"like what?"
"Well," she explained, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck."
Saying this, she became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Oh," Said the man, holding out his hand, "Tonto Goldstein, at your service. But my friends call me Bubba."
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Keith was known as a drunk to his friends. One night he was having a housewarming party for his new apartment.
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, Keith led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Observe." said Keith, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For bloody sake, you bastard, it's 2am in the darn morning!!!"
~ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
~ Filming in cemetery angers residents
~ Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
~ Crash courses for private pilots
~ Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
~ Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
~ Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
~ 30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
~ Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
~ Miners Refuse To Work After Death
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
The Big Lighter
Two men pause their round of golf to smoke a cigar. One pulls out a matchbox while the other pulls the biggest lighter you've ever seen out of his golf bag and proceeds to light his cigar.
The other man stares, laughs and says "Holy moly, that's the biggest lighter I've ever seen! It must be a foot long! That's hysterical. Where did you get it?!"
"Well," The first man sighs. "It's a long story."
"We have hours ahead of us." Pointed out his golf companion.
"Alright, alright." Surrendered the first man. "Thing is, I found a magic lamp while practicing the other day, and the genie gave it to me."
The second man is skeptical and laughs, just to have the first man pull an old oil lamp out of his bag. Intrigued, the second man rubs it, and sure enough, a genie pops out and offers a wish.
The second man doesn't think twice: "I want a million bucks!"
The Genie nods, snaps his fingers, then disappears into a wisp of smoke. For a few minutes... nothing. Then, suddenly, a rumble in the distance.
The rumble gets louder and louder, when suddenly the skies darken and a flock of ducks flies over. There are hundreds, no thousands of them! For 10 minutes straight the sun is blocked out, and everyone is holding their ears to protect from the sound of a million ducks quacking.
Suddenly, as quickly as it started, it ended. As the sound slowly faded away, and as the last few straggling ducks flew over, the men looked around at all the carnage, duck poop everywhere, golfing gear lying scattered as other golfers ran for cover.
Astounded, the second man says "What the hell was that? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
"Yea he's a bit hard of hearing." His friend sighs. "Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"
Jacob was sitting in the hall of the school, bored out of his mind. Suddenly the teacher walked by and he asked her: "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"
The teacher, amused, said "I don't know, how?"
Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!"
Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?"
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"
Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."
Then he asked another question: "All the animals went to the tigers birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"
The teacher a bit confused and said "The tiger?" Then the student said "No,the giraffe because he's still in the fridge."
Then he asked her just one more question: "If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you?"
The teacher then says: "Well. you would walk over the bridge."
Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the tiger's birthday party!" She laughs and walks away.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."
SMART ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked.. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid re plied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2020
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-azz guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A Texan is in London for business, and decides he'd like to see the sights before he leaves, so jumps into a taxi and has them show him around.
They drive past BigBen, and the taxi driver notes it took 15 years to build. The Texan scoffs at this. "You Brits are so slow! We'd build something twice the size in half the time!"
Next they swing by the Tower Bridge. Again, the driver comments that this impressive landmark was completed in only 8 years, and again the Texan scoffs. "That bridge is tiny! In Texas, we would have built a much larger bridge in just a year or two."
A little further on, they drive past Buckingham Palace, but the taxi driver doesn't comment on it. The Texan is puzzled, and asks "What's that then? I suppose that must have taken you a hundred years to build!"
The taxi driver just shakes his head. "Sorry mate, not sure what that one is - wasn't here yesterday."
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says: "I'm going to become a lion-tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion-taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with those big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"I'll pick up whatever’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't nothin’ on the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going
to be SOMETHING at the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"
What’s big and grey and wears a mask? The elephantom of the opera.
The Big Anniversary and the High-Flying Kids
A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and one said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and making love. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many contraceptives he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say a prayer and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!"
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."
Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was just finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.
As Leon was leaving he stopped, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he started to leave Leon stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Leon turned from the door. "I've seen some wild se* at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"
Leon stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
I used to have a scuba diving business But it went under.
Marry a frog
Long ago there was a man who had a 25-inch penis. After consulting many people and finding no solution to his big problem, he decided to consult with a local witch.
Once with the witch, he said, ''I need your help. My penis is so big it's hard for me to find women who can accommodate me. Can you help me?" The witch said, "Go to the forest, in the middle of it you'll find a frog, ask it to marry you. It is a cursed frog, and every time it says no, the curse will cause your penis to shrink 5 inches, which in your case is actually a blessing!"
So he went to the forest, and after hours of walking he found the frog, kneeled down and asked the frog to marry him.
The frog said, "No."
Then his penis shrunk five inches.
He asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" And again, the frog said, "No."
And it shrunk another five inches.
Then he thought, "15 inches is still too big. I'll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine."
So he asked the frog one more time, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, "I told you: No, no, and NO!"
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $100 for sex."
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $125."
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms, so here's a list:
World Wide Wait
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
Defective Operating System
Obsolete Soon 2
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
I Blame Microsoft
Slow And Painful
Blue Screen of Death
Gradually Overcoming Our Ghastly Legal Environment
You Always Have Other Options
A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No - think of another wish."
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween? The Big Bad Woof.
The Crucifying Commercial
Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Benson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Benson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad. He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Benson's Nails, they'll hold anything'.
Benson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Benson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Benson's Nails!'.
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Hue and the Friars
The church in my town fell on hard times recently.
There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local florist comes to the church in a huff.
"Please," he begs of the friars, "you must stop selling flowers! Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, so nobody comes to my business! I'll be ruined if you keep this up."
"We're sorry," the friars tell him, "but the doors of Hod's temple must remain open, and for that we need money." Tony leaves the church, even more upset.
He goes to his neighbors asking if they'll help him boycott, but they're all too afraid to speak out. lawyer, seeing if he can solve this legally, but the lawyer won't dare try and sue the church. He even goed to the governor, but he gets told Church isn't doing anything wrong.
The week rolls by, and the Friars grow more successful as Tony gets closer to broke. Finally, in desperation, he hires the meanest, baddest, most nasty man in town, Hue, and sends him after the Friars.
Hue scares all the firars, smashes all their tables, rips up the garden beds, and even pisses all over the remaining flowers. The next day, the Friars are no longer selling flowers, and Tony is back in business. In the end, it seems the saying is true:
Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enraptured congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake. She was a Psycho.
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain THAT one to you."
Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all!
Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...
The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Reading the Millionaire's Last Will
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.'
'Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
A priest goes on a fishing trip with a few others and some sailors to help them. A few hours in, he suddenly hooks a very big fish.
Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that Bastard!".
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Bastard fish".
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge Bastard!" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no that's what this fish is called," says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that bastard and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
"Could you cook this bastard for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a bastard", says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that bastard tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the bastard!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the bastard!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the bastard!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a long moment with a steely gaze, leans back in his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what? You schmucks are alright."
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly, she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing. He said it was Narnia business
You're a WHAT?
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with a patronizing smirk and asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah?' said the cop, already starting to write up the report. 'What do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stopped. Then lifted his head: 'A WHAT?
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
''Are you playing games with me? '
'Not at all, officer." said the woman seriously. 'I take pride in my work.'
'And just what does a.. a rectum stretcher do?' The officer asked.
'Look,' she sighs, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'
As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the fisherman.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."
The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?" asked the fisherman.
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends."
After Mrs. Grandapple found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...
After Mrs. Grandapple found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Grandapple kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'
Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Grandapple answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...'
'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.'
'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .'
'Very well, then.'
The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.'
'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Grandapple. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'
'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.'
'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'
'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Grandapple gasped nervously.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'
'Don't I know!' breathed Mrs. Grandapple.
The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Grandapple the picture
'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Grandapple, tugging on her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Grandapple another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Grandapple.
'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Grandapple was amazed.
'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Grandapple leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually CHEWED on your, um...equipment?'
'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done. Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'
'TRIPOD? ' Mrs. Grandapple looked extremely worried now.
'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am? Good God, she's fainted!'
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Darn, some as*hole has my pen!"
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business? He was tired of the daily rind.
A Trustworthy Lawyer
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.
Excited at her runaway success, she began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty..."
Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
Bowled over by the apparent honor of the applicant she exclaimed: "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted:
"He sued me for the money."
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a passionate, deep and lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business? They crashed a small boat into it.
Out On Family Safari
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph".
Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot.
After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot. He hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway. It also goes straight at big Ralph, hitting him in the back of the head and knocking him down.
The mute then walks down the fairway, rolls the stunned man around, and holds up four fingers to Ralph's face.
The ocean is big, And also it is pretty, Pretty freakin' wet.
Fay's Jokes Wind Everybody Up
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off? Because they found out that BigBen was a clock.
Why did Tigger look in the toilet? Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Why do men like big tits and a tight as*? Because they've got big mouths and little di**s.
The Florist's Mix-Up
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:
“Congratulations on your new location!”
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
The Blondes, The Brunettes and the Tour Bus
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
The Best Bar in the World
Three guys are drinking at a bar and talking about their favorite bars.
The first guy says, 'As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.'
'Well,' said the second man, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the third guy, 'Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!'
The first two guys lift their eyebrows in suspicion. 'Yea right,' says the first guy, 'there is no bar that good.'
The man swore every word was true.
Then the second man asked, 'Come ON, be real. Did this actually happen to you?'
'Well. Not to me, personally, no.' admitted the man, "But it did happen to my sister quite a few times."
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.
The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST PRICES!)"
Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST QUALITY!)
The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.
"Jackson's clothing store (MAIN ENTRANCE)."
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying,
“Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession.
You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established and turned into passive income.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation? The Big Dipper!
How Could You Afford That?
Three politicians become friends after meeting each other at functions. One is from America, the second from Russia and the third from Brazil.
The American politician decides to invite the two others to his home.
When they get there, the first thing he shows them is his Rolls-Royce.
"Beautiful isn't it?" he asks them.
"Hmm, yes it is" they both admit.
"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the American points in a direction.
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets."
The other two smile and nod in understanding.
A few weeks later, the Russian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for a party.
When they arrive, the two were surprised at how grand it was - it was a regal-looking mansion.
They ask the Russian politician, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?"
The Russian takes them outside, points in a direction and says:
"You see that huge bridge over there? I used inferior materials and got 20% of the costs stashed in my personal account."
The other two are impressed.
A few weeks later, the Brazilian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for dinner.
When they arrive, the two are astonished to see a palatial mansion with a fleet of cars on the front driveway.
"How the heck did you get the money to get all THIS?" asked the Russian.
"Do you see that bridge over there?" pointed the Brazilian politician.
"No," said both, squinting in that direction.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it.. then my illegal logging business is a success.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
The Worst Way to Win
Three older gentlemen sat down at the park for a conversation.
"There's no worse age than 70," says the youngest, "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you try and try and nothing comes out!"
"That's nothing," said the 80-year-old, "80 is a much worse age. You can't even do your business anymore. You take laxatives then sit on the toilet for hours waiting for something to come out!"
"Actually," said the oldest one, "90 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 70-year-old.
"Not really. I pee every morning like clockwork at 6:00am."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 80-year-old.
"Not at all, I do my business every day promptly at 6:30am."
The 70-year-old looked at him funny. "Let me get this straight, you pee at 6am and you crap at 6:30am? So what's the problem?"
"I don't get up until 7:00!!"