The police detectives were having trouble determining whether or not their suspects were guilty. They just couldn't get them to confess. After hearing word of a telepath who is able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.
They bring the first suspect in, and instantly the man says, “This person has committed murder. He murdered a pizza man delivering to his house.” Speechless, the police start to think this man is the real deal. “He has to be telling the truth,” they say to each other. “We haven’t told him anything about the case.”
They bring another suspect in, and instantly the man says, “this man is innocent, and has committed no crimes. He was framed of burglary by his next door neighbor, Bill Summers.” The cops are dumbfounded. “How does he know? We haven’t told him anything about the case!”
The cops are a bit skeptical, and decide to make a little test. They bring in a beautiful woman they know to have not committed a felony.
An officer enters the room with her, and instantly the man says, “This woman has committed theft.” The officer, knowing this is a lie, tell the man, “We knew it! We brought her in to truly test your abilities, and clearly you're a fraud!” They dismiss the woman.
“I would catch up to her if I were you,” says the man.
“And why is that?” Asks the officer.
“Because she stole your wallet.”
Three older gentlemen sat down at the park for a conversation.
"There's no worse age than 70," says the youngest, "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you try and try and nothing comes out!"
"That's nothing," said the 80-year-old, "80 is a much worse age. You can't even do your business anymore. You take laxatives then sit on the toilet for hours waiting for something to come out!"
"Actually," said the oldest one, "90 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 70-year-old.
"Not really. I pee every morning like clockwork at 6:00am."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 80-year-old.
"Not at all, I do my business every day promptly at 6:30am."
The 70-year-old looked at him funny. "Let me get this straight, you pee at 6am and you crap at 6:30am? So what's the problem?"
"I don't get up until 7:00!!"
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Whats the difference between love and marriage? Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
What's the cure for marriage? Alcoholism.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
The Moment Has Finally Arrived
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
A man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What features does it have?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"
Marriage is an exciting part of our life. The vows we made on our wedding day really did mean the world to us, and we thought the blessed joy of matrimony would never die. However, once we are married, that thrill does dip - let's be honest about it!
The hilarious joke below makes this truth perfectly clear - read it top to bottom. When you're finished - read it bottom to top!
Husband: At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife: Do you want me to leave?
Husband: No! Don't even think that.
Wife: Do you love me?
Husband: Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: No! Why are you even asking?
Wife: Will you kiss me?
Husband: Every chance I get!
Wife: Will you hit me?
Husband: Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife: Can I trust you?
Wife: Oh my Darling!
This was BEFORE the wedding.
To see what happens AFTER the wedding, read from end (bottom) to start (top) ...
At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."
A boy has SWAG. A man has STYLE. A gentleman has CLASS.
The Mute German Boy
An American couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The American couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.
“Vell,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
I dropped my cactus the other day Worst part is, I caught it
What Would Tiger Woods Do?
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yea... I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone goes back to bed and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this darn hole."
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible? Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
The Duck Hunter and the Physician
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak behind a tree.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew and knocked the gun over, to the hunter's horror, it discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Fortunately for him, some hunters nearby heard his scream and called an ambulance.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first, please," said the hunter.
"Well, the good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news then?' asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.”
"Oh no, I mean, at least I'm alright, I feared the worst. I guess it could be worse,' the hunter replied. 'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?''
“Not exactly...' answered the doctor delicately. 'He's a flute player in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss all over the bathroom.'
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
The Diamond Bracelet
A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Lady, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to crap when I tell you the price."
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the restroom.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
6. Guy's Variation Rider - If you change queues or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This also works in supermarkets and shops.
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Decree of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. This is also the case if you are female and you have gone out with no makeup and wearing your worst clothes and with greasy hair.
9. Murphy's Office Law - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. This will also happen when you show someone that something on the computer is easy and it doesn't work.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
Jesus Has Alien Friends
A race of aliens visits earth one day. They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean JC?", responds the alien.
"Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize.
"Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates!"
"Why? What did you guys do?"
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”
A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. "I'm divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time," he replied.
The local man said: "Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they've been married over 60 years and they've never fought this whole time."
"What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!" Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.
The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.
"It's true. We never fight."
"PLEASE," begged the traveler, "can you tell me your secret?"
"Well," said the old man, "it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: 'That's one.'
"We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: 'That's two.'
"Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: 'That's three.'
She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice!
I was shocked and yelled at her: 'What the heck do you think you're doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!'
"My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: 'That's one.'
"And we haven't had a fight since."
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun? It tends to get stale.
The Bank Robbing Couple
Jeff and his girlfriend Jenny decide to become bank-robbers.
Jenny does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while Jeff waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.
At trial, the judge condemns Jenny to ten years in prison, while Jeff gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error Jeff will be serving ten years and Jenny only two. Despite of her insistence, Jeff convinces Jenny to keep quiet about it.
After two years Jenny gets out and she continues to visit Jeff faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.
Finally, after he does his time, Jeff gets out and is joyfully reunited with Jenny. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.
On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.
The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Jenny why she decided to stick with Jeff while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.
Jenny answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'
An old football player was dying.
So he called his wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. I must confess. I cheated on you twice throughout our marriage. Please forgive me."
His wife says: "I forgive you my love. But I have to confess, I too have cheated on you, 3 times."
"Three you say?" Said the husband, feeling like she cheated a bit more than him. "Who were they?"
"Well," said his wife sweetly.
"Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team."
Her husband was alarmed but he was thankful she did it for him. "Who else?"
"Well, do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times."
"You did WHAT?!" He spluttered.
She continue, "And do you remember during matching nobody in town encouraged you? Well.."
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worstmarriage.
One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!"
The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”
The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.”
The men laugh.
The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!"
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?”
The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy."
The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.”
The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”
The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool...”
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."
Three kids are talking about their fathers and comparing them.
First kid says: "My dad is the fastest. He’s a drag racer and can do a quarter mile in 9.6 seconds."
Second kid says: "That’s nothing! My dad is a fighter pilot and regularly breaks the speed of sound."
Third kid says: "My dad is faster than both your dads! He’s a congressman. He finishes work at 4 o’clock but is always home by lunchtime."
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops? It's counterproductive.
What is the worst type of blind people? The Notsees.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective? He has a nose for these things.
The ABCs of Marriage
After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
"What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously.
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!"
She beamed at him happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?"
"I'm Just Kidding!"
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young programmer:
"And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
"Certainly... but you started it."
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Coffin will be closed.
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, "You, Charlie, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, "You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, "You, Buck, have set a fine example. You did not have s*x until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck's Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What's wrong, Buck?" they asked.
"You got a Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn't very good, they got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It made of concrete."
"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland.
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that??"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.
When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.
Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce.
He asks her: "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. Damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
Chuck Norris has died. He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Researching the Wife
An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.
But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men.
After a few days, the politician at last received his detective's report, which went like this:
"Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character.
But yes, according to my sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."
During the second world war, three military prisoners were about to be executed. A private, a sergeant and an officer.
Two guards brings the private forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..." Suddenly the private private yells, "Earthquake!" Everyone is startled and looks around, allowing him time to run away as fast as he could.
The angry guards then bring the sergeant forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..." The sergeant then screams, "Tornado!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. allowing him time to escape in the confusion.
The guards, very angry now, bring the office forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."
The officer shouts, "FIRE!"
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month."
So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry into your marriage, but if it makes you that sick, why the heck do you do it?"
Who has the best place on a sailing ship? The mast, because it has the pole-position.
A Near Death Experience
Sharon Lipshitz, a middle-aged woman, is walking down the street one day when she suddenly has a heart attack. She is quickly taken to the hospital, where it was determined she must undergo emergency surgery.
While on the operating table, she has a near death experience, where she finds herself standing next to her unconscious body. Suddenly, she sees the Angel of Death standing next to her.
"That's it? I'm dead?" She asks him.
"NOT YET," says the Grim Reaper. "You will live another 20 years at least." He then disappears and Sharon wakes up in her own body.
Upon her recovery, Sharon is told that she was close to death, but miraculously made a full recovery. Sharon decides that she is going to really live in the 20 years she has left. Since she's got another 20 years, she might as well make the most of it. She decides to stay at the hospital and get a boob job, a nose surgery, liposuction - the works.
She walks out of the hospital looking 20 years younger. Her body looks great and she has a huge smile on her face. She takes two steps and is immediately hit by a passing ambulance, which kills her on the spot.
She stands next to her body, and suddenly sees the Angel of Death.
"Hey you!" she says angrily, "What gives? You said I had 20 more years!"
The Angel of Death looks at her, surprised. "Sharon," he leans closer, "is that YOU? I didn't even recognize you!"
Moral of the story: There's nothing wrong with making yourself look good, but if you want to live your life properly, live them as you are and not as anyone else!
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.
He asked if they had a license and, when they said they didn't, He sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in wrong -- with his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they caught the clerk... and after five reissued licenses, the judge was finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be, putting it delicately, technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
A long time ago, a wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, though she wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card... then promptly turned white and fainted.
Alarmed, she picked up the card on the floor and read aloud: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'
The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'
Liam replies, 'No, Father. I need to clarify something.'
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Liam. What is it?'
Liam asks, 'Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it.'
The Priest smiles and replied, 'Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself...
"I'LL ALTER HIM."
To keep your marriage brimming With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
King Solomon Trial
During King Solomon's reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.
The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.
They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, "Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!"
The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, "Bring him the sword."
The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, "Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!"
King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, "The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!"
The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, "My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!"
"Right!" King Solomon replied, "This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!"
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?"
Susan responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.
It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
An elderly pastor was searching in his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted to having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage.
Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar."
Had a colonoscopy the other day, Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
How Long Has It Been?
A female researcher was writing her thesis about the effects of long army service and sexual function.
In one of her first meetings with war veterans, some still serving, some honorably discharged, she decides to pose a somewhat delicate question.
"Can you please tell me, and don't be shy, when was the last time you had intercourse?"
Most of them mumbled some embarrassed reply. Only one man, a general, stood tall and said "1956 ma'am."
The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?!"
The woman felt terrible for the general, who was actually a good-looking gentleman and decided to break his long dry streak herself.
She invites him to her apartment for dinner after the meeting.
He agreed, and after a nice meal, the two made passionate love for an hour.
Afterward, exhausted, the woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and whispered: "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..."
The general looked at her confused and said: "Well I sure hope not. It's only 2330 now!"
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enraptured congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Third Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."
2. Mariah Carey: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
3. Brooke Shields: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
4. Paris Hilton: "What's Walmart, do they sell, like, wall stuff?"
5. Jessica Simpson: "Is this chicken what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says Chicken by the Sea."
6. Britney Spears: "I get to go overseas places, like Canada."
7. Britney Spears again: "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa."
8. George W. Bush: "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?"
9. Alicia Silverstone: "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
10. Victoria Beckham: "I don't know much about football. I know what a goal is, which is surely the main thing about football."
11. David Beckham: "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
12. Axl Rose: "It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people."
What's the worst part about April Fools? Jokes without punchlines.
The New Element of 'Administratium'
Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium
The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke? A Chi-ha-ha
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the husband went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs he had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the husband to stand, she embraced and kissed him long and passionately as his wife watched with a raised eyebrow.
The man shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the wife and said, 'this is what your husband needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' she said, 'I can drop him off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I have book club.'
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about s*x. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
A few minutes later the bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!"
The husband rolls over and yells, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible? Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
The Signal for Lovemaking
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to make love to, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to make love to ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times."
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week? The worst running gag ever.
A Wife at the Strip Club
After 20 years of marriage, a wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. She figures there's no harm in it if she's there with him, after all.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a glass of red wine.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink that?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real witch tonight, Dave."
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.
His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?”
He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.”
Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?”
He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.”
“The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.”
“Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.”
Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??”
“The one with the big boobs”.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle? One has strings and the other has strangs.
Can You Clarify?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming? No privacy!
The Sick Mother-In-Law
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.
On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" Says the surprised wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," he replied, "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst!"
A dear old man has been having trouble making love to his wife due to impotency.
He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He researched online, asked every online expert he could think of - to no avail.
He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.
The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems.
"I know just the thing," she says, and hands him a potion. "Drink this. When you are ready, just say 'one, two, three.' Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, 'one, two, three, four,' and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon."
Excited to try this new remedy, he makes his way home in a haste.
That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says "one, two three." Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.
Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, "Wow, that looks great. But what did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found??
"Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!
"Well, WHAT is it?" Fumed Pete.
"She never got your E-mail!"
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
"Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” Unknown
Three Funerals and a Wedding
A woman makes a new friend at the gym, a beautiful woman. A few months later, she gets a wedding invitation. Excited, she asks her friend if this is her first marriage.
"Fourth, actually." Says the other woman .
Her friend says, "Fourth?? How.. how wonderful." Curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first three husbands?"
The woman replies, "First one ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic!" she gasps. "What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." the woman replies.
Feeling shocked, "Oh, how terrible! I am almost afraid to ask you about your third husband. Did he eat poison mushrooms, too?" she asks.
"Oh, no. He died of a broken neck." Came her reply.
Her friend asks, "A broken neck?"
The woman calmly looks at her and says, "He wouldn’t eat his mushrooms.."
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature.
Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.
"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "Second worst pain in my life."
"SECOND worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.
Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”
The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.
“‘Honey, are you not happy in our marriage?’”
“I can't complain about that."
"’Is it the relations?’”
“I can't complain about that either."
“‘Well, is it the way I treat you?’”
“Nope. Definitely can’t complain about that.”
Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight the counselor breaks character and says,” I don’t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why don’t you bring her with you?”
“No, that won’t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing either.”
“Well, why is that?”
“To you, I can complain!”