Why do seals swim in salt water ? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Dinosaurs and the Magic Lamp
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a dino-genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
The rest is history.
Why do sharks swim in salt water? If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Using Cold Water to Clean the Dishes
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied: 'They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch, the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said: 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled: 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted:
'Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me!?!'
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
The Cheeky Trio
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
A man was having an affair with a married woman for quite some time. One day, her husband comes home early from work. The wife hears him come in, jumps up and tells her lover to go into the bathroom and hide. The moment he dives into the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.
He stops in surprise at seeing his wife stark naked. ''What the hell are you doing?''
Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''
The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''
Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''
The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''
The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.
The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''
He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''
The other man looks at him and says,''But... you're naked.''
The lover looks down, jumps in surprise and shouts, ''Them little bastards!''
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose." she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "and you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'When he Cries??' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK?!'
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.
But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while, he turned to her and asked: "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then YOU can ask him." replied the lady.
Bubba and Billy Bob were known for having quite a bit below the average smarts around Little Rock.
One day, in the Little Rock Walmart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Walmart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician.
The magician was standing at the top of a slide.
The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, ''beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.
The second guy went down the slide yelling ''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''
He instantly regretted it.
Why didn’t Bobdrink a glass of water with 8pieces of ice in it? It was too cubed.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch? They already 8!
Jesus & Moses Go Golfing
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.
Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green.
Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green.
The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it. Startled, the eagle dropped the fish.
When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus sighed and turned to the old man:
"Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around we won’t bring you next time."
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“
“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”
“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
“I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the position.”
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
Herbert Henry Asquith
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”
W C Fields
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
HOW TO FEED A PILL TO A CAT:
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
Wrap it in cheese.
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Note: We love both dogs and cats, this is just in jest!
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was promptly greeted by the wail of a siren and flashing lights.
Cursing his luck, the man immediately knew what was coming, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The officer got out of his cruiser, as calm as can be, and walked over to the man's car.
He handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *only I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No siree Bob!"
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many bloody cameras."
Knock Knock Who's there? Water! Water who? Water way to answer the door!
The Dangers of Drinking and Driving
I would like to share a personal experience I had about drinking and driving.
This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DWI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well recently, it happened to me. I was out for the night to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather lovely red wine. It was held at a great Italian restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
The real surprise to me was that I had never driven a taxi before. Not sure where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. If you want to borrow it, give me a call.
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face.
So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away!
So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.
Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you."
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
The Overcrowded Bus
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus."
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
This Nun Needs Help
A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ..."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn "nun" out there again!?!"
Three new corpses were delivered to the morgue one day, each with a great big smile on his face.
The mortification examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.
"First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.
Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on his face."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
The mortician says, "Ah, this is perhaps the most unlikely of all. Billy-bob, a farm boy from Oklahoma, aged 25, struck by lightning".
"Why's he smiling, then?"
"He thought he was getting his picture taken".
It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed. She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
"What's the matter, honey?" she asks. "Why the heck are you down here at this hour?"
Her husband looks up at her. "Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?"
"Sure." She answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness. "And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?"
"Yes, of course."
"And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said: 'You either marry her or I'll put you in jail for 20 years?"
"Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!?" she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said:"It's just... I would have been out today."
Whydidnt the moon go outside? Because it was waning.
Whydidnt the moon have any more to eat. Becuase it was full
The Farmers and the Logic Test
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded.
Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"Then you're gay."
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.
A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same.
He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally, the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat.
But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.
The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."
2 couples were playing a round of poker one summer night, when one of the husbands, Bob, accidentally dropped a few of his chips on the floor. As he bent down to retrieve them, he couldn't help but notice that Jay's wife Kate was touching him with her foot in a very obvious way.
Later, Bob went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Kate followed him and asked, "Do you like what you see?"
Surprised by her boldness, Bob courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $5000." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bob indicated that he was indeed interested.
She told him that since her husband, Jay, works Friday afternoons and Bob doesn't, that Bob should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, Bob shows up at Jay's house to make love to Jay's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $5000.00, they go to her bedroom and have a great time, just as Kate had promised. Afterwards, Bob quickly dresses and leaves.
As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Jay returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Bob come by with my money?"
With a lump in her throat, his wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Jay curtly asked, "And did he give you $5000.00?"
In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me a five thousand dollars."
Jay, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Kate by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Bob came by my office this last night and borrowed 5 thousand dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why Are You Calling Me Now?
What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
"9 am," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until 9 am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry. "No, not until 9 am!" said the librarian. "Why do you want to get in before 9 am anyway?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
Aerith and Bob were talking.
"Say, Aerith", said Bob, "do you know if anybody in the village has a black cat with a white spot underneath its chin?"
"I don't think so, no", said Aerith.
They sat in silence for a bit, before Bob said, "Are you sure? Come on, think harder. Black cat, a big one, with a white spot underneath its chin."
"I'm pretty sure there isn't a cat like that in the village", said Aerith, getting visibly annoyed.
There was another minute of silence before Bob said, "But are you really, really..."
"YES!" Aerith yelled. "I'm really, really sure! There isn't a black cat with a white spot underneath its chin anywhere in this village! Nobody has one!"
"Well, crud", said Bob and gave a mighty sigh. "Then I must've run over the priest the other day."
Why does your grandma like wine so much? Because at her age, she needs glasses!
The Special Job Conditions
A man visits the local council for a job interview. During his interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says "Sorry to hear that... Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The man says: "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I'll come at a normal hour, I want to do my part."
"You misunderstand." Says the interviewer. "This is a government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
Little Johnny and the Alligator
So one day, Grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Bob Hope I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Man vs. Ape
One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape. Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump around saying "ooooh oooh oooh" and so did the ape.
Stopping to think about what to do next, Bob scratched his chin, as he was thinking. Before he could even react, the ape pulled the bars of his cage apart, jumped the moat, and proceeded to beat the ever living crap out of him. A few weeks later, Bob comes to in a hospital room, in full traction. When they realized that he was awake, the staff brought a man into his room, and left the two of them alone.
"Mr. Smith, my name is Albert. I am the zookeeper and I want to see if we can figure out what happened before you were attacked."
"I....don't know. I was looking at the ape, and noticed he was mimicking my movements."
"I need to know exactly what you did."
"Well, when I first noticed it, I was scratching my head. When I noticed he was scratching his head, I started to play around, and I started to scratch my underarms and make oooh sounds."
"OK, then what happened?"
"Well, I was trying to think of something else to do, and I think I scratched my chin, which is the last thing I remember."
"You scratched you chin??? Oh that explains everything! You see, in Ape, that means 'Screw you!'. Thank Goodness, because if the attack was unprovoked, we'd have to put him down."
So the zookeeper left Bob to sit in traction for another six months, and if you've ever been in a cast, you can only imagine the misery of six months of not being able to move, shit or pee, or even get to that one itch, without someone else's help. It wears on a man. So Bob spent all that time coming up with a plan to get his revenge on that darned ape.
He's finally released from the hospital, and makes his first trip to the local butcher, where he buys a giant polish sausage, and a pair of nice new butcher knives.
He then goes straight to the zoo, and marches up to the ape cage, where he is soon standing face to face with his attacker.
"Remember me?" He asked as he got the apes attention, and saw that he was once again mimicking him. He smiled and reached into his bag, and tossed a butcher knife into the apes cage.
When the ape picked it up, Bob got his attention, by holding his own knife high, while he reached into his pants, and pulled the polish sausage out through the fly. Just as he expected, the ape mimicked him, holding his knife high, and his genitals in his other hand.
Seeing this, Bob sliced down with his big butcher knife, cleanly cutting the polish sausage in half. Seeing the sausage laying on the ground, he looked up smugly to see how much pain the poor dumb ape must be in right now... when he saw him standing there, scratching his chin.
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.
When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.
Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition.
"The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinkingwater.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet,
a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost 24 hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table.
Find heavy pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Take the cat to the vet to get its pills from now on.
No one can say blondes haven't done their share of inventing. Here are 10 ingenious blonde inventions:
1. The water-proof towel.
2. Solar powered flashlight.
3. Submarine screen door.
4. A book on how to read.
5. Inflatable dart board.
6. A dictionary index.
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter.
8. Powdered water.
9.Pedal-powered wheel chair.
10. Water-proof tea bag
In life, there are really only two things to worry about.
Either you are well, or you are sick: If you are well, there's nothing to worry about!
If you are sick, there are two things to worry about.
Either you get better, or you die.
If you get better, there's nothing to worry about!
If you die, there are two things to worry about.
Going to Heaven, or going to Hell.
If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about!
If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry...
So why worry at all??
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass? It could crack up.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What Time is It?
A man has to drive for a few days to get to his new house.
After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap.
A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM" and goes back to sleep.
After a while, another man knocks on the car's window and wakes the driver from his sleep. This man also asks the driver what time it is. The driver replies "It's 8:05 AM" and goes back to sleep.
Sure enough, after a while, again, another man knocks on the car's window and asks the same question. The driver, now annoyed, replies, "It's 8:07 AM". He picks up a piece of paper and writes in bold letters "I don't know what time it is!", sticks it on the car's window and goes back to sleep.
The driver is again woken from his sleep by a knock on his window. The man knocking on the window says, "It's 8:10 AM, you're welcome!"
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
We are glad to announce that the company will be adopting Fridays from now on as Casual Day. All employees are free to arrive at work with the casual attire they wish to wear.
Week 2 - Memo No. 2
Attention to all employees: Giant hats and chicken costumes are no longer alloweed on Casual Day. Neither are wrestling outfits or edible underclothes.
Week 5 - Memo No. 3
To all employees: The phrase Casual Day refers to attire, not attitude. When on smoke break, please avoid bringing 'joints', bongs or glass pipes to the office. Remember that our conduct dictates our success.
Week 7 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on the appropriate attire and attitude on casual day will be held at 4PM on Friday in the cafeteria. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 8 - Memo No. 5
Following the tragic events of the seminar, the 8 members of the Casual Day Task Force will be seeing to your safety during Casual Day, and will be preparing new guidelines for proper conduct.
Week 12 - Memo No. 6
Attention all employees! The 26 members of the The Casual Day Task Force would like to apologize to Louis' family, he will be missed. Today you will receive the complete, 277-page manual for 'how to relax on Casual Day without receving a penalty'.
Please see the chapter on 'keep it clean, keep it covered.' for some great tips, as well as the chapter 'Say no to animal costumes' Please read it and memorize for upcoming exam.
Week 16 - Memo No. 7
Good news: Our medical coverage has now been altered to include psychological counceling for trauma. Please fill prescriptions and follow directions in order to be in the right state for Casual Day.
Week 18 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts, several law suits, and an ongoing police investigation, we are sorry to announce that we will be discontinuing Casual Day.
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”
This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India - they had it all.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
The husband tries once again. "But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, sweetie pie? Smiled the wife. "Then drink your bloody beer in your darn frozen mug and eat your stupid snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, moron?"
A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who welcomed him warmly and told him he will be taken to his forever heavenly dwelling. He then led him down the streets of gold. They passed castle after fantstaic castle, then huge mansion after mansion, then beautiful cottages, until they came to the very end of the street and Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little wooden shack that looks like its about to fall down.
“Welcome Home.” said Saint Peter.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Why is FISHING better than DATING?
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises.
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.
If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie at the minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee? Because it makes them viperactive.
A Few Drinks
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard.
The driver says, "That is great. My wife and I do that every night."
The passenger replies, "My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says, "Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set."
The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks, "How was it?"
The passenger answers, "It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks."
The driver looks at him funny and says, "TEN drinks?"
The passenger says, "Yea, after two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"
A reporter hears of a woman in his town that has the highest welfare payments, and he was curious as to why. So he went to her house to interview her. He got to a little house and after she opens, introduces himself and asks her, "How old are you?" He asked.
"27." she said.
"And how many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"Wow, ok that explains a lot." He said, taken a back.
"And what are their names?" he asked.
"Well there's Bob, then there's Bob, and Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and of course Bob."
"They're ALL named Bob?" he asked, even more bewildered. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she explained, "I just call 'Bob,' and they all come running inside."
"And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Bob, come eat your dinner,' and they do." She answered.
"But what if you want just ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed. (He didn't say H2O2)
Why do Communists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
The Machine Doctor
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you're having. It only costs $20.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.
During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water has too much waste in it.
Your dog has ringworms.
Your teenage daughter is pregnant.
Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.
Also, your car needs a new radiator.
And you wonder why you have a headache?
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Little Johnny's Chemistry Class
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass.
It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
"Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Roofers In a Fix
Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down.
On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"
Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!"
Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
"I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?" He shouts at his friend.
"I did..." Explained Bob, "but I landed head first!"
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? One molar solution.
The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Which One Do You Save?
A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo.
Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?"
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!"
A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?"
The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you."
The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?"
Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario.
He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure enough, the hunters have bagged two moose.
The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose.
Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.”
To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total coward!”
Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake.
The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching.
Finally, the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree.
The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart.
Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy.
He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year."
Why was two piece swimsuit invented? To separate the hairy from the dairy.
The Thirsty Criminal
A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinkingwater, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.
The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"
'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
"They won't let me in without a tie..."
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the waterglass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
"Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not 'bet his ass.'
David slew Goliath, he did not 'kick the crap' out of him.
We do NOT refer to the cross as the 'Big T'!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, 'Eat me.'
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry!"
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
And lastly, don't EVER refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples as "J.C. and the boys!""
Why was Mozart a child prodigy? All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
A Camel and His Mom Have a Discussion
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replied, "Well son when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."
Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.
"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."
"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."
"Yes dear," said the mother.
"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “You see that glass at the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 that I can pee in it from over here.”
The barman agrees to the bet, so the man begins to urinate all over the bar, its patrons and even the barman himself – basically everywhere except in the glass.
“Ha!” says the barman. “You owe me $100!”
“Wait here,” the man replies, and he walks over to the pool table. Someone hands him some money and they have a laugh together.
The man walks back over to the barman and hands him $100.
“Thanks,” the barman says, “but what were you laughing about with that dude over there?”
The man replies: “Oh, nothing. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea? Because it helps fight free radicals.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
The Alcoholic Connoisseur
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's... that's correct.", said the boss, astonished.
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.”
A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was blow away, but in case this was some sort of hoax, he wanted to put the man to a real test. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: "Don't sell that cow".