On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an oldman with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The oldman whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The oldman and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
The oldman beat the boy to the gate.
I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, saying "I slept with your mother."
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I slept with your mother."
Then, the oldman even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I slept with your mother."
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the oldman by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."
Roger, 88, married Jenny, a beautiful 45-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 88-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door - it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already??"
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him Viagra?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn't even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed...
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!"
A TV crew decides to visit a hundred years oldman living alone in a cabin in the woods
When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year oldman.
They ask him "What is your secret?" and the oldman tells them a story:
"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified.
I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard.
I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice.
When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love.
In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him."
The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life."
"Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress... That kind of stuff."
An 70-year-old married a 20-year-old. A year after the wedding the couple arrives at the delivery room.
A male boy weighing 3.5 kg was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the oldman "Yours?"
"Yes," the oldman replies proudly.
"Congratulations," the nurse replies. "Well..." says the oldman, "the old engine still runs!"
Two years later the duo arrives at the delivery room again. A 3.5 kg girl was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the oldman: "Yours?".
"Yes" the oldman answers. "Well done" the nurse answers. "The engine still runs!" said the oldman.
After two more years, they come to the delivery room again. A 3.5-year-old male son is born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the oldman: "Yours?".
"Yes," the oldman replies. "Congratulations," the nurse says, "that's really impressive."
"Well..." says the oldman, "the engine is STILL running!"
"Well... says the nurse, "you may want to change the oil, the last one came out black."
While in China, an American single man acts promiscuous and does not use protection the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his... swimsuit area... covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."
The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"
The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate."
"Wait... WHAT?!" The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The man shops around, going to many doctors and experts, but they all tell him the same, they must remove the organ.
At some point a friend tells him, "You contracted this in China right? Then why not go to a CHINESE doctor?"
The man, having not thought of that, seeks out a Chinese doctor in the hopes he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines the problematic area and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my organ!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American docttahs, always want operate, make more money that way. No need to amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
"Yes yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."
A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley. Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake.
He calls the woman to halt and approaches her.
"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole". He points out.
The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:
"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer," the old lady explains, "I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar. I don't mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden." She said, her voice shaking with indignation.
"So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I'd say: '$50 bucks or I'll cut it off!'"
Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way. But as she turns to go he jokingly asks:
"Is the second bag filled with money too?"
"Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays."
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office. The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
A Middle-Aged Woman At the Doctor's
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change."
An old lady gets caught shoplifting.
On court day the lady and her husband who goes stand before the judge and she says to her, "Why did you shoplift?"
And she says "I was hungry."
The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches."
The judge thinks on this and comes to a decision. "How many peaches where in the can?"
"Six." says the old lady.
"Then you shall serve six days in jail." Decrees the judge. "Do you have anything to add?"
"Ah, your honor?" Her husband suddenly raises his hand. "She stole a can of peas too."
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you're having. It only costs $20.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.
During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water has too much waste in it.
Your dog has ringworms.
Your teenage daughter is pregnant.
Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.
Also, your car needs a new radiator.
And you wonder why you have a headache?
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
Blind Man Goes Parachuting
A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?”, he was asked.
“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for your final arrival on the ground?”, he was asked again.
He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her naked body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
"All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thing,' which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well," said the old lady,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now I'm 80, the darn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
The Familiar OldMan
One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking oldman.
Wondering if the oldman was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"
"Yes," said the oldman, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."
"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"
"Oh, yes, many times," answered the oldman. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."
Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be HIS father?
"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"
"Why yes," replied the oldman. "Yes I was!"
Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"
The oldman rubs tears from his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"
You may be getting older if...
When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
Things in the bedroom hadn’t been good for a while, so they were going at it over that.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
He began his working day, and didn’t hear a peep from his wife.
By mid-morning, he decided to make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"I was getting a second opinion."
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The oldman waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'
A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt.
The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She gave him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"
Oh my, he sounded sooo sensual! Thought the old lady. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I want is s*x. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" asked the old lady.
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
"Genius, my butt - It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted: "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "what would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his a** up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
When a doctordoctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoringdoctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoringdoctor as he wants to doctor?
The Old Lady, the Bartender and the Scotch
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”.
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed.
“What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until WHACK! He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor! Who is the second coolest man in hospital? The hip replacement guy!
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
The Doctor's Waiver
The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack.
The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.
After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.
"Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate se*! You'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active intercourse and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such se* with you."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office.
His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous se* any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Arnold gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!"
With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones, another student, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied: "That would be the pupil of the eye, under conditions of dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs.
"And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you:
One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
A blond becomes terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from skipping everywhere."
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
I took my pet tiger to my doctor Because it had a very bad day. Now, my tiger’s depression is still there, But my doctor has gone away.
The Boy, the Donkey and the OldMan
An oldman, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the oldman walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the oldman was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
A blonde woman came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“There you go," said the nurse as she handed her a urine cup. “The bathroom is over there on your left. The doctor will see you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom. She hands an empty container back to the nurse. With a relieved look on her face she says: "Thank you! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”
Two doctors, Dean and Gable, are treating a man with lung disease. They’re explaining how his smoking weed has led to his condition worsening.
“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”
Dr. Jenkins sighed. “Nature isn't all innocent. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just 5 minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!”
The man seemed to accept that, and promised to stop his smoking.
After he left, the doctors went to lunch. As they were sitting down to eat, Dr. Smith asked, “Oh by the way, what IS that plant that kills you if you sit under it?”
“A water lily."
A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He's never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out.
All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it's taking...
They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me," he groans to his wife.
The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt.
Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the wife calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" he asks feebly.
"No time at all," says his wife. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
An oldman was walking in the desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality, taking care of his donkey and feeding him.
While having dinner, he was surprised to be offered camel milk, as it is of notoriously bad taste. He thus asked about it and was told that the village has been cursed with an everlasting drought, and that the people have resorted to saving however little water they could find for crops.
"Truth be told, I am one of the wise.", he said, "I know how to bring you rain. However, you must first bring me a wide bucket full of water, for I need some to bring more."
The next morning, all of the villagers heard of his saying, and started collecting every drop of water they still had in reserve. In the end, there was barely enough to qualify for a bucket, and they gave it to the man.
He then took the water, and walked within his host's house. There, he took off his dirty clothes, and started washing them. A curious one of the kids saw him through the window, and went on to alert everyone around.
By the time they arrived, angry and shouting, it was already too late. The oldman has washed all his clothes and was calmly hanging them.
"Shame! Shame on you, oldman, for wasting our water when our kids don't have enough to drink!" growled the chief.
But as soon as he finished speaking, the sky darkened as the clouds gathered around the village. It started raining and it did not stop for 5 days straight. People got their fill, and everyone's reserves were overflowing. The oldman was treated as a guest of honor and a hero, and the chief apologized profusely for ever doubting him.
Only when he was about to leave, had the kid gathered the courage to ask about how he did it. "It's simple," said the oldman "this always happens when I hang my clothes to dry."
There was a Redhead man, a Bald Man and a Blond man working on the top of a cliff.
The Redhead said, "You know, every day it's the same sandwich my wife makes me. I'm so sick of it. If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Bald man said, "Right there with you my friend. If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Blond man said, "With you all the way chaps, If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Redhead man had cheese, the Bald man had ham, and the Blond man had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Redhead man and the bald man said, "Why didn't they just TELL us they didn't like their sandwiches??"
The Blond's wife said in tears, "I don't understand it... He made his own sandwiches!"
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
The Old Hunting Story
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said,
"See that oldman asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the oldman and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began, "I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!' Well... I just crapped my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The oldman shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!'"
It was a long day at work, and George decided to leave his London office and walk to the pub across the street to get a few drinks.
The rain was pouring as he stepped out, and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. As he crossed the street, he noticed a ragged oldman was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
His curiosity piqued, he stopped next to the oldman and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing." The oldman said simply without looking at George.
"Poor old fool." George thought, and he invited the ragged oldman to a drink in the pub.
He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he thought he'd humor the oldman and asked, "Well... how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth."
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly.
"And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
There was an OldMan of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork; But nobody cried though he very soon died,- For that silly OldMan of New York.
There was an OldMan of Kildare, Who climbed into a veryold chair; When he said,-- "Here I stays,-- till the end of my days," That immovable Man of Kildare.
There was an OldMan of Apulia, Whose conduct was very peculiar He fed twenty sons, Upon nothing but buns, That whimsical Man of Apulia.
There was an OldMan of Nepaul, From his horse had a terrible fall; But, though split quite in two, By some very strong glue, They mended that Man of Nepaul.
There was an OldMan who supposed, That the street door was partially closed; But some very large rats, Ate his coats and his hats, While that futile old gentleman dozed.
There was an OldMan of Whitehaven, Who danced a quadrille with a raven; But they said, 'It's absurd To encourage this bird!' So they smashed that OldMan of Whitehaven.
There was an OldMan with a gong, Who bumped at it all day long. But they called out, no more, You're a horrid old bore, So they smashed that OldMan with a gong.
There was an OldMan of the East, Who gave all his children a feast; But they all ate so much And their conduct was such That it killed that OldMan of the East.
There was an OldMan of the North, Who fell into a basin of broth; But a laudable cook, Fished him out with a hook, Which saved that OldMan of the North.
There was an OldMan of Leghorn, The smallest that ever was born; But quickly snapped up he Was once by a puppy, Who devoured that OldMan of Leghorn.
There was an OldMan of the Hague, Whose ideas were excessively vague; He built a balloon To examine the moon, That deluded OldMan of the Hague.
There was OldMan in a pew, Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue; But he tore it in pieces To give to his nieces, That cheerful OldMan in a pew.
There was an OldMan of the South, Who had an immederate mouth; But in swallowing a dish, That was quite full of fish, He was choked, that OldMan of the South.
There was an OldMan of Melrose, Who walked on the tips of his toes; But they said, 'It ain't pleasant, To see you at present, You stupid OldMan of Melrose.
There was an OldMan of Madras, Who rode on a cream-coloured ass; But the length of its ears, So promoted his fears, That it killed that OldMan of Madras.
There was an OldMan with a owl, Who continued to bother and howl; He sat on a rail And imbibed bitter ale, Which refreshed that OldMan and his owl.
There was an OldMan of Coblenz, The length of whose legs was immense; He went with one prance From Turkey to France, That surprising OldMan of Coblenz.
There was an OldMan of Moldavia, Who had the most curious behaviour; For while he was able, He slept on a table. That funny OldMan of Moldavia.
There was an OldMan, on whose nose, Most birds of the air could repose; But they all flew away At the closing of day, Which relieved that OldMan and his nose.
There was an OldMan of the West, Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest; When they said, 'Does it fit?' He replied, 'Not a bit!' That uneasy OldMan of the West.
There was an OldMan of Bohemia, Whose daughter was christened Euphemia, Till one day, to his grief, She married a thief, Which grieved that OldMan of Bohemia.
There was an OldMan in a boat, Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!' When they said, 'No! you ain't!' He was ready to faint, That unhappy OldMan in a boat.
There was an OldMan of Vesuvius, Who studied the works of Vitruvius; When the flames burnt his book, To drinking he took, That morbid OldMan of Vesuvius.
There was an OldMan of Vienna, Who lived upon Tincture of Senna; When that did not agree, He took Camomile Tea, That nasty OldMan of Vienna.
There was an OldMan of Kilkenny, Who never had more than a penny; He spent all that money, In onions and honey, That wayward OldMan of Kilkenny.
There was an OldMan at a casement, Who held up his hands in amazement; When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!' He replied, 'Not at all!' That incipient OldMan at a casement.
There was an OldMan of the West, Who never could get any rest; So they set him to spin On his nose and chin, Which cured that OldMan of the West.
There was an OldMan in a boat, Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!' When they said, 'No! you ain't!' He was ready to faint, That unhappy OldMan in a boat.
There was an OldMan of Calcutta, Who perpetually ate bread and butter, Till a great bit of muffin, On which he was stuffing, Choked that horrid OldMan of Calcutta.
There was an OldMan of the Dee, Who was sadly annoyed by a flea; When he said, 'I will scratch it,' They gave him a hatchet, Which grieved that OldMan of the Dee.
There was an OldMan of the Wrekin Whose shoes made a horrible creaking But they said, 'Tell us whether, Your shoes are of leather, Or of what, you OldMan of the Wrekin?'
There was an OldMan of the Cape, Who possessed a large Barbary ape, Till the ape one dark night Set the house all alight, Which burned that OldMan of the Cape.
There was an OldMan with a beard, Who sat on a horse when he reared; But they said, "Never mind! You will fall off behind, You propitious OldMan with a beard!"
There was an OldMan of Aôsta, Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her; But they said, 'Don't you see She has rushed up a tree? You invidious OldMan of Aôsta!'
There was an OldMan of th' Abruzzi, So blind that he couldn't his foot see; When they said, 'That's your toe,' He replied, 'Is it so?' That doubtful OldMan of th' Abruzzi.
There was an OldMan of Peru, Who never knew what he should do; So he tore off his hair, And behaved like a bear, That intrinsic OldMan of Peru.
There was an OldMan of Corfu, Who never knew what he should do; So he rushed up and down, Till the sun made him brown, That bewildered OldMan of Corfu.
The Politicians and the Old Farmer
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
Somehow, some of the politicians survived, and continued to plead for someone to rescue them from beneath the earth.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
"Well," The old farmer replied with a thoughtful expression, "some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor goes over his history and does his physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL sees no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
It was early morning and an oldman in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said,"Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why, are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again then I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"
A hip young man goes out and buys himself an expensive car: A Ferrari 599 GTO. It costs him almost $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An oldman on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The oldman looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "It’s a Ferrari 599 GTO. It cost nearly half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the oldman. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car is a limited edition model!” the young guy says proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the oldman pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the oldman says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the oldman just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly - whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction. It looked like the oldman on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How can a moped outrun a Ferrari!?"
But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka- blaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it turns out to be the oldman on the moped after all! He runs up to the mangled oldman and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The oldman whispers: "Please, please... unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror..."
A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.
The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will be $6.40 please." So the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then the ostrich said, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.
"The usual?" asked the waitress. "No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," said the man. "Same for me," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.
The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.
The waitress asked, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighed, paused, and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.
"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed.
"I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived... And it's getting worse. Doctor, it's getting worse!"
"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"
"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?!?"
A dear oldman has been having trouble making love to his wife due to impotency.
He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He researched online, asked every online expert he could think of - to no avail.
He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.
The oldman goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems.
"I know just the thing," she says, and hands him a potion. "Drink this. When you are ready, just say 'one, two, three.' Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, 'one, two, three, four,' and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon."
Excited to try this new remedy, he makes his way home in a haste.
That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says "one, two three." Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.
Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, "Wow, that looks great. But what did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. I'm so sorry.”
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her.
Finally, she said: “How soon do you need to know?"
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The oldman looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the oldman. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any more tips?"
The oldman pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your behind, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up."
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have intercourse for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
"Because I didn't feel a thing."
The police detectives were having trouble determining whether or not their suspects were guilty. They just couldn't get them to confess. After hearing word of a telepath who is able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.
They bring the first suspect in, and instantly the man says, “This person has committed murder. He murdered a pizza man delivering to his house.” Speechless, the police start to think this man is the real deal. “He has to be telling the truth,” they say to each other. “We haven’t told him anything about the case.”
They bring another suspect in, and instantly the man says, “this man is innocent, and has committed no crimes. He was framed of burglary by his next door neighbor, Bill Summers.” The cops are dumbfounded. “How does he know? We haven’t told him anything about the case!”
The cops are a bit skeptical, and decide to make a little test. They bring in a beautiful woman they know to have not committed a felony.
An officer enters the room with her, and instantly the man says, “This woman has committed theft.” The officer, knowing this is a lie, tell the man, “We knew it! We brought her in to truly test your abilities, and clearly you're a fraud!” They dismiss the woman.
“I would catch up to her if I were you,” says the man.
“And why is that?” Asks the officer.
“Because she stole your wallet.”
How old was the cave man on his birthday? Stone Age.
A Severely Sunburned Man
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
The OldMan and the Potato
A young man moved to the beach area and is trying to meet women, but isn't having much luck. One day, the young guy is walking down the beach, and he passes an old guy, who is completely surrounded by young beautiful women in bikinis vying for his attention. The young guy scratches his head and keeps walking, but can't understand how that old guy is meeting so many women...
The next day, he takes a stroll on the beach again, and passes the same guy, who once again has many attractive young women with him. The next time he walks down the beach, he sees the old guy again, and he still has hot young women all around him. Finally, he decides that he has to know the old guy's secret, so he pulls the guy aside and asks, "How do you do it? How do you always attract so many hot young women?"
The old guy responds, "Tomorrow, when you head out to the beach, slip a potato inside your bathing suit!"
So the next day, the young guy slides a potato into his bathing suit and heads out for his daily beach walk. But today, all the women are actually moving farther and farther away from him! He finds the old guy again and says, "Hey, what's going on? I followed your advice, I put a potato in my bathing suit, and the women are practically running away from me!"
The old guy sighs and says: "Try again tomorrow, but this time, put the potato in the front!"
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident. He shouted “doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms.“
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!" The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."
An Elderly Man and a Young Woman at a Bar
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.
They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both lying there, staring at the ceiling.
The oldman is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
I find that the quickest way to man's heart is with a veryvery sharp knife.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order. Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
An Absent Minded Doctor
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Darn, some as*hole has my pen!"
I know an oldman who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Calling the Doctor
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied:
"I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS."
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
A man goes to the eye doctor. He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
The Rich Man, the Young Man & the Apples
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"After that," the old rich man continued, "I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him: "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought for a minute and then said: "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you. This may very well be the solution," the woman happily responded.
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The oldman said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The oldman said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the oldman said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the oldman saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The oldman said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"
Many years ago, a smart old sculptor was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union and emigrate to the United States where his son lived. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?"
Oldman: "What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise!"
The official smiled and let the oldman through.
The oldman arrived at JFK airport, where an American customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?"
Oldman:" What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The bastard! I’ll put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an oldman from having a good life."
The official smiled and let him through.
When he arrived at his family’s house in Brooklyn, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: "Who is that, grandpa?"
Oldman: "Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say ‟Who is that?” say ‟What is that?” That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"