A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants.
"An elephant?" The zoo director asks.
"Yes, the biggest one you have, please", the man says, quite certain.
"I mean, we can do that", the director muses, "But it won't be cheap. That's $5,000 per day of rental alone and an additional $4,000$ for transportation. And you'll need to feed the elephant on your own bill, too."
"That will not be a problem", the man says. "I'll just need him for a day, so here's $10,000 for your troubles."
With that settled, the elephant gets transported to the mans address.
"Very good. Put him in the bedroom on the second floor", the man orders. The personnel tries to get the elephant into the house, but he just doesn't fit through the door. Without hesitation, the man calls a construction company and rents a crane to get the elephant up, through the dismantled window and then re-seal the window at horrifyingly high cost.
"You know what, it is none of my business", the zoo director asks at this point, "but I must know: What is this for?"
"Well, you see", the man explains, "My wife's brother is living with us and he's a horrible know-it-all. Every quiz show we watch, he blurts out the answers before we can even take a guess. Every morning, he solves our crossword puzzles. He has beaten me fifteen times in a row at Trivial Pursuit. But this evening. This evening he will go upstairs, come back down and say: 'Hey, guess what, there's an elephant in my bedroom.' And I won't even look up from my book and just say 'Yes I know.'"
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
A Sudden Confession
A woman driver is speeding along the highway, when suddenly she gets stopped by a police car which instructs her to pull over.
Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Sargent: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Sargent: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Sargent: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Sargent: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The first officer is stunned.
Sargent: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Sargent: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "I bet the bastard will say I was speeding too."
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What did one math book say to the other? I’ve got so many problems.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head? Time to duck.
The Golfers and the Late Tee Time
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. They start getting really upset as time goes on, as they have reserved the time weeks in advance.
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 25 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!"
Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money - it was $50,000!
The husband said: "We've got to give it back". "Finders keepers!" his wife said, and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
"No." She said.
The husband said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She said: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: "We're outta here!"
A young couple took their little boy to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their son appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor could find no reason for it. However, the mother continued her search and after weeks of asking around, gets to an old wise woman who everyone swears knows more strange cures than anyone alive.
"Feed him pancakes!" She declares immediately. "People won't believe it but it'll solve your problem!"
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."
When a man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.
But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there.
They had a great time. However, after all the hard-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.
As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The gals were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points.
It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in her separate room, "this is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?
A middle-aged Jewish man goes to his rabbi and says, "Rabbi, you gotta help me. It's my son. For 30 years he's a Jew, and now bam! He says he's a Christian!"
"Funny you should say that," the Rabbi replies. "I'm having the same problem with my kid. Let's go see Rabbi Rabinowitz, the Elder.
So they go see Rabbi Rabinowitz. "Both of our sons say they're Christians now," says the younger Rabbi.
"Funny you should say that," the elder Rabbi says. "My son, too! 30 years of being a Jew, and now BAM! Let's go see Rabbi Spiegel, the eldest of all of us."
So the three go see Rabbi Spiegel. "Rabbi, all of our sons are going around saying they're Christians!" the men complain.
"Funny you should say that," says Rabbi Spiegel. "My son, 30 years he's a Jew, and then bam! He's a Christian now." The rabbi gets serious. "The only thing we can do is take this straight to Jehovah."
And the Rabbi kneels and prays, "Oh, mighty God, our sons have been good Jews for 30 years now, but now they're going around saying they're Christians!"
And a voice booms down from heaven: "Funny you should say that..."
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
The English Prisoner
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.
The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off."
The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing."
The German replied, "Yeah that will not be a problem."
A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.
The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time."
"Yeah, that will be done," says the German.
The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.
Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before."
The German replies, "Ok."
Next day the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.
"Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."
"NO!" Snapped the German. "We think you are trying to escape!"
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem? He was a quackhead.
The Problem With the Light Switch
Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy.
An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said.
"This is not a job for just one person. You need more people to help you." He said, so I got my wife to help. Still no good.
"More people" he said as he saw it still not working. So at that point, I got my son and daughter to help as well but still no luck
"Many more." He said. Luckily the neighbors were home and after a quick discussion with them I had the whole clan from next door over to help. In total there were now 11 people, plus the maintenance man in the lounge.
At this point the maintenance man tells me to get everyone to touch the switch and to try it again and sure enough, it worked. I was flabbergasted and asked how and why this had worked now where it wouldn't before with just myself
He replied "Many hands make light work."
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor? I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What Your Husband Needs
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the husband went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs he had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the husband to stand, she embraced and kissed him long and passionately as his wife watched with a raised eyebrow.
The man shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the wife and said, 'this is what your husband needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' she said, 'I can drop him off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I have book club.'
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient shrugs and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
A guy walks into a bar. Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Marry a frog
Long ago there was a man who had a 25-inch penis. After consulting many people and finding no solution to his big problem, he decided to consult with a local witch.
Once with the witch, he said, ''I need your help. My penis is so big it's hard for me to find women who can accommodate me. Can you help me?" The witch said, "Go to the forest, in the middle of it you'll find a frog, ask it to marry you. It is a cursed frog, and every time it says no, the curse will cause your penis to shrink 5 inches, which in your case is actually a blessing!"
So he went to the forest, and after hours of walking he found the frog, kneeled down and asked the frog to marry him.
The frog said, "No."
Then his penis shrunk five inches.
He asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" And again, the frog said, "No."
And it shrunk another five inches.
Then he thought, "15 inches is still too big. I'll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine."
So he asked the frog one more time, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, "I told you: No, no, and NO!"
A large sinkhole opens up on a remote town. An alarming number of people fall into it and injure themselves and it's difficult to get them all to the small hospital they have.
The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree. However, they only have 2 ambulances and they're needed more in the center of the town to get there quickly.
So the mayor gathers the council a second time. The second smartest councilor suggests they close the road between the hole and the hospital so the ambulance can ferry people faster. Everyone nods in deep wisdom. Alas, after a few days it's obviously not really doing much and it just creates more accidents with too many cars on the smaller roads.
Finally they gather for a third time to take drastic measures. The third smartest councilor says they need to tear down the hospital and rebuild it next to the hole.
Finally the mayor can't take it anymore. He slams his fist on the table and yells: "You idiots! Do you know how much moving the hospital will cost?! There's an obvious and easy solution to this problem! We fill in the hole and then we dig a new one next to the hospital!"
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during se*.
That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
A few decades ago, three prisoners were sitting in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So, what did you do to be put in here?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of trying to be show up my comrades.
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help.
Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into her office, leaned back in her chair, folded her hands into a steeple and asked her how she could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well, Margaret" said the doctor, raising her voice, "I think the first thing we're going to do is to give you a hearing test."
While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician .
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Of course! Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.
His wife looks worried and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"Your problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."
Why are math books so darn depressing? They’re literally filled with problems.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems.
These Ladies Are Taking Really Long
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes of golf, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Same problem."
Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc. etc.
These loops never happen in real life, unless...
A company CEO tells his secretary:
"Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements."
The secretary calls her husband:
"Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time."
The husband calls his lover:
"My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together..."
The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children:
"Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home."
One of the kids went to his grandfather and said:
"Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together."
The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her:
"My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad."
The secretary calls her husband:
"The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love."
The husband calls his lover:
"We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying."
The lover tells the kids:
"My problem was solved, school is back on."
The kid goes to the grandfather:
"Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go."
The CEO calls his secretary:
"My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad."
The secretary calls her husband....
A woman walks into a bar. He’s very inebriated, so she stumbles to the bartender.
‟I will have a whiskey schlour!” she slurs
‟I can’t serve you ma'am, you’ve had too much.” The barkeep informs her.
Looking disgruntled, she walks out the front door. A few minutes later she walks in through the side entrance.
‟Barkeep, give me Gin and Ginger.” she hiccups.
‟As I told you before, I can’t serve you, would you like me to get you a cab?” The bartender says patiently.
Looking quizzically at the bartender, she shakes his head and stumbles out. A few minutes later she walks in the front door again.
‟Give me Blue Motorcycle!” she demands.
‟Look ma'am’ the bartender says sternly, having lost his patience, ”if you do not let me call you a cab, I’m going to have to call the police.‟
She peers at him with red, blurry eyes and mumbles, ”How many friggin' bars do you work at??‟
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Rabbi, We Have a Problem!
Two Jewish men knock on Rabbi Levi's door.
"What can I do for you gentlemen?" Said the Rabbi once he opened his door.
They explain to him they have an argument and cannot resolve it. The Rabbi agrees to help them.
"What is the argument about?" he asks.
First Man: "Black is a color!"
Second Man: "NO! it is not!"
First Man: "It is a color!"
Second Man: "Rabbi, is black a color?"
"Well, sure..." Said the confused Rabbi.
First Man: "See, I told you. And so is white!"
Second Man: "White is not a color!"
First Man: "Rabbi?"
Rabbi: "Well, yes, white is a color."
First Man: "See? I told you Moishe, I sold you a Color TV!"
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Doggie Nap Time
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Please, may I come with him tomorrow?'
A timekeeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon. When it's almost noon she looks at her watch and right when it strikes 12pm she blows the whistle.
One day she bumps her watch against something and she fears that it is a little off.
Wanting to make sure that she can do her job correctly she decides to go get her watch set by a professional clock maker.
The woman goes to the shop and has the clock maker set her watch to the correct time. She tells the clock maker what she does for a living and that it is important that her watch keeps correct time.
The clock maker tells her that she needn't worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they're on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am.
The woman leaves the shop satisfied... but starts to ask herself... "How does the church know exactly when it is 6am?"
So she goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time.
The bell ringer tells her that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am. "I'm sure my watch is accurate." He reassures her. "I check it every day at noon when the factory goes on break."
Three couples went to visit the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without making love for two months and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two months went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was a bit tough the first month but then it was not a problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until the woman dropped a can of paint.
"A can of PAINT??!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed husband. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust just took over."
The minister just shook his head and said: "You two sinners are not welcome in my church!"
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."
Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven, and there they approach the gatekeeper to plead their case for entering paradise.
So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says: "I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people, and always did my best to help. And although sometimes we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter."
The gatekeeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse then says, "I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons. It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I always did my best."
The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter.
"And you?" He asks the third nurse.
"I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with thousands of patients." She answers confidently.
The gatekeeper takes a long and careful look at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly, looking back from time to time at the woman's file. After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles at her and says: "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven...
for five days!"
A woman went to her doctor's clinic.
She was seen by one of the doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
One of the younger doctors stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
She had her sit down and relax in another room.
The younger doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The older doctor smiled as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
Engineers like to Solve Problems but... If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Woodpeckers Have a Chat
A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Californian woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable.
The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion - your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”.
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed.
“What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"
"Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? You idiot, he's not deaf - he's BLIND!"
Once upon a time there was a thief and a politician who were friends. One day, they entered a chocolate store.
While they were busy looking around, the thief stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the thief said to the politician: "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."
The politician replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and politician said to the shopkeeper: "Hey do you wanna see magic?"
The Shop keeper replied: "Sure!"
The politician says: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop keeper gave him one, and he ate it. He asked for a second, and he ate that as well.. He asked a third, and finished that one too.
The shop keeper asked: "But where's the magic?"
The politician replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find it!"
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. They sit down and after a while Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So she gets up and gets the coffee.
Some time later, old Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So again she gets the coffee. Half an hour later, the scene repeats for the third time.
Finally the two ladies say goodbye. "Mary is acting really weird, don't you think?" says the first one. "All the time we spent there, she hasn't even offered us coffee!".
The second one looks at her in amazement: "What? You've been to see Mary, and you haven't even invited me??"
Why do grizzlies never look sad? Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
Noah, We Have a Problem...
Some years ago, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.
"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!
"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "Does this sign mean you're not going to destroy the world, oh Lord?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
'"House" in French, is feminine - "la maison", while "pencil" in French is masculine - "le crayon."'
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.
So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday. Time and time again.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday. Time and time again.
Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrapyard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?"
So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created a timekeeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
What's the problem with Father's day? It always falls on Son-day
There's a Problem With the Migratory Bird Tags
According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv".
Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time? It got pissed off the first time.
It's a Miracle!
A mother and her teen daughter arrive at the doctor's office.
The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 3 months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”
Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.
A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time! "
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Very Bad Little Parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him: "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought for a minute and then said: "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you. This may very well be the solution," the woman happily responded.
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a timekeeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and forcefully drags him into his office.
The zookeeper then explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before visitors arrive at the zoo, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not about to lose the attention of the adoring crowd, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "HELP! HELP ME!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion when he suddenly hears the lion whisper: "Shut up you idiot! You wanna get us both fired?"
A principal of a small middle-school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick.
Though he was a rather stern disciplinarian and a bit of an old fuddy-duddy, he was not primarily concerned with issues of modesty and innocence. Rather, for some reason, when applying it in the bathroom they would press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints, like so...
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
When they gathered at 2pm, they found the principal and the school janitor waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the janitor to clean the mirror every night.
He said he felt that the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was, and therefore he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The janitor then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes? Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Those Darn Time Differences
One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asks him
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences!
I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
The Problem with Winking
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem - he kept winking at the camera.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I'm afraid we won't able to hire you unless you get it under control."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done."
"Alright, show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. First he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills.
Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and the second take went without a single hitch.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, I'd hire you on the spot, except that we're not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We've had too many sexual harassment suits."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man sighed. "Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin and winking all the while?"
Margaret was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertaker's to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She said to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads."
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of it, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing this to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back.
"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week."
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.
My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea.
My girlfriend? She's a keeper.
But there is something that bothers me. This something is her little sister.
This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else.
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she can’t overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to make love with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked. Couldn't say a word.
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then, resolute, turned on my heel and made for the door
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem." Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
A Novel Way of Calling Your Children
A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were.
She said 'Kevin'.
'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?'
'Kevin', she said.
'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?'
'Kevin', she said.
'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?'
'Kevin', she said.
'Are all your boys called Kevin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly complicated?'
'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.'
'I see. But what if you want only one of them?'
'No problem.' she answers. 'Then I call them by their surnames.'
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me. He's a keeper.
The Case of the Town's Gossip
Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Sam, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoon.
She emphatically told Sam and several others of the congregation that by seeing his car there, everyone would know exactly what he was doing.
Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house...and left it there all night.
An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, suggested a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens when I talk to her."
"Honey, what's for dinner?" He calls.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. He starts shouting.
"HONEY, what's for dinner?"
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.
"HONEY, what's for DINNER??".
So he walks right up behind her and screams:
"HONEY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER??!?!"
His wife turns to him a rage and screams.
For the FIFTH TIME
WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!"
What is it called when a tree has spine problems? ScoliOAKsis.
Be More Tactful Next Time
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died.
Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... not so fast, James!"
Why does the river have problems remembering things? Because she is becoming sea nile.
What Time is It?
A man has to drive for a few days to get to his new house.
After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap.
A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM" and goes back to sleep.
After a while, another man knocks on the car's window and wakes the driver from his sleep. This man also asks the driver what time it is. The driver replies "It's 8:05 AM" and goes back to sleep.
Sure enough, after a while, again, another man knocks on the car's window and asks the same question. The driver, now annoyed, replies, "It's 8:07 AM". He picks up a piece of paper and writes in bold letters "I don't know what time it is!", sticks it on the car's window and goes back to sleep.
The driver is again woken from his sleep by a knock on his window. The man knocking on the window says, "It's 8:10 AM, you're welcome!"
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They sleep with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
The Blonde Model and the Co-Pilot
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class. The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear. She immediately got up and said, "Okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader.
"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."
On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem.
"...secondly Sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in this village."
A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a special scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a soap box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
A while later, the CEO decides to look at the first week report. Since the scales were put in place, no empty boxes had been shipped out of the factory. Each day about a dozen defective boxes were being removed, which was consistent with the projections. There were almost zero customer complaints and they were gaining market share. The CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.
However, the number of defective boxes picked up by the scales dropped to zero after three weeks. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner - it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office...
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."