It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
The Vet's Bill
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with an old dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Three house pets - a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat - all die and go to heaven. As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.
God turns to the dog and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?"
The dog says "I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owner's family for many years."
God smiles. "Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand."
He then turns to the parakeet. "What do you believe in?"
"I believe in color, flamboyance, and music," the parakeet says. "For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner's house with song."
"Your beauty is truly magnificent," God says. "And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left."
God finally turns to the house cat. "And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?"
The cat lazily surveys God's throne and says, "I believe you are in my seat."
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.
The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”
The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”
BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.
Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”
BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.
While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said: “you have one wish left.”
The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building's transformation.
The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”
BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered...
“I bet you wish you hadn't had me fixed.”
Two priests are going to shower in the male shower rooms. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father Michael remembers he bought some soap the other day and it's in his room. He goes to get it, not bothering to put anything on in the the quick jog.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and turns back.
While he is halfway down the hall when he suddenly sees three newly inducted nuns going his way.
In a moment of sheer panic, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a wax statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"
A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them. "That I'm going to give you a special gift..."
"I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two handsome figures approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches...
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said:
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll do my business on its head."
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath? It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Mary's Beans and the BB Gun
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck.
Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary!"
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
God, Adam, Eve, a Dog and a Cat
Adam and Eve said, "Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created the CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a darn one way or the other.
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in...
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DARN EGGS"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs!"
The husband simply smiles, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like to be driving with you in the car."
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
Steve Martin The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
The Cat Poem
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
and sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
and someone nice to scratch my back,
for windowsills all warm and bright,
for shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay cool,
and keep the secret feline rule,
to never tell a human that
the world is really ruled by cats!
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
How to Give a Cat Its Pill
How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table.
Find heavy pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Take the cat to the vet to get its pills from now on.
Note: We love both dogs and cats, this is just in jest!
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."
The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"
The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."
"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!"
In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!"
In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!"
Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY BI**H YA HUSBANDS FU**IN' DEAD" and walked out of the room.
"Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?"
A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all."
The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.
"I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out."
The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.
The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000."
"32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor."
The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."
I lost my cat in a snowstorm! But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
The Cat Navigator
There was a man who couldn't stand his wife's cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.
He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. 'This is impossible,' said the man to himself, 'tomorrow I'll make sure he can't come back!'
The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn - right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.
A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It's the husband, and he asks: "Is the cat there?" "Why, yes." says the wife, "he's been here quite a while, where are you?"
"Put that bastard on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"
After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I am! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I AM the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
Two Old Men Visit a Cat-House
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
She used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked: "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and discovered to his horror that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop? A copy cat.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Why are cats scared of trees? Because of their bark.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
The Skilled Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
The Cat Catastrophe Instructions
HOW TO FEED A PILL TO A CAT:
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
Wrap it in cheese.
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing anything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The counter-tops have been cleaned and the appliances are sparkling. Even the floor was waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted and the pillows on the sofa plumped. It even watered the plants.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later…no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? S
o he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter??!!”
“I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.
Suddenly, he gazes upon the most stunning bronze statue of a Siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $200 for the statue and $2000 for the story that goes with it."
The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue."
As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."
The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the catstatue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him.
The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 2000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that.
In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and never came out. The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said, "I told you that you'd be back for the story!"
"To heck with the story," gasps the man, "do you have a statue of a politician??"
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain THAT one to you."
A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas, so he asked his mother. His mother replied, "Well, we can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.'
The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'
Then he looked at it and thought maybe that wasn't entirely true, so he tried again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good for the past week, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'
Then he looked at it again and still wasn't sure if that was true, so he tried yet again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bike, I'll be good all year.'
But even then that seemed too hard, so he took a walk outside to think about it.
As he was walking, he saw his neighbor's statue of Mother Mary. The boy hopped over the fence, tucked it under his shoulder and ran home to hide it. Then wrote his letter again.
'Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, give me a bike!'
These innocent-looking questions are actually cleverly crafted:
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which side would it fall on?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back..
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
Aerith and Bob were talking.
"Say, Aerith", said Bob, "do you know if anybody in the village has a black cat with a white spot underneath its chin?"
"I don't think so, no", said Aerith.
They sat in silence for a bit, before Bob said, "Are you sure? Come on, think harder. Black cat, a big one, with a white spot underneath its chin."
"I'm pretty sure there isn't a cat like that in the village", said Aerith, getting visibly annoyed.
There was another minute of silence before Bob said, "But are you really, really..."
"YES!" Aerith yelled. "I'm really, really sure! There isn't a black cat with a white spot underneath its chin anywhere in this village! Nobody has one!"
"Well, crud", said Bob and gave a mighty sigh. "Then I must've run over the priest the other day."
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Every Elderly Woman's Wish...
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied: "Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:
"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said: "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The Fairy Godmother replied: "It's the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: "You have one more wish, what will you have?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful - the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen - so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!" And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:
"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for Cats, which was making its long-anticipated return to Broadway.
Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands kneading into his back. Startled by this blatant intrusion of personal space, he turned around to find out that it was a complete stranger standing in line behind him doing the kneading.
Giving the stranger a stern look, the kneading stopped for a few minutes, but he felt hands working on his back again soon enough.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back, and what on earth makes you think you have the right to do so without asking me first?"
"Oh, I’m so sorry… I'm a chiropractor you see," the man replied, "and sometimes I just can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Well, you should really get a hold of yourself – it’s not appropriate to be touching the backs of random men without their permission," the lawyer shot back.
"In fact, I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing just any old guy in front of me, do you!?"
I have a cat A real fat cat My cat is all black My black fat cat It is a cat with a knack A true fact about my cat My fat black cat She has a knack to catch a rat My all black cat brought me the rat This is why my cat is a fat black cat So rats watch your back From my cat with the knack Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
Some years ago, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.
"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!
"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "Does this sign mean you're not going to destroy the world, oh Lord?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."