An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP??"
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
"In front of you?" He asks shyly.
The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.
The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.”
"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech? "Thanks for the memories."
I've Got a Surprise For You!
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value! And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Is That You?
Wife and husband are sitting together sipping wine and watching a movie.
The Wife suddenly whispers: "I Love You..."
Husband: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Wife: "It's me talking to the wine."
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret? Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
How Much Do You Charge?
A man finds himself in need of a good lawyer. He finds one online and goes to his office.
After being allowed inside, he sits across from the lawyer. He needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first.
“Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.
“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”
The man was alarmed. “Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?” He inquired.
“Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you? Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?” I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Do You Know What I Think?
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Little Johnny, Fred's brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician.
The magician was standing at the top of a slide.
The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, ''beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.
The second guy went down the slide yelling ''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''
He instantly regretted it.
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager yells back: "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She lets her grandmother know that she has friends coming over shortly, and that it's just not appropriate...
The grandmother says: "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic. "Everything ok with your car now?" "Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies. "Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?" "Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic. "Everything ok with your car now?" "Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies. "Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?" "Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Did You Know That Americans Eat Dogs?
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?'
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'
So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'
The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'
The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'
The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says softly, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly.
"And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English. Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want suits, I want socks.)" said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines, (No I don't want shirts, I want socks.)" repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want pants, I want socks)" insisted the man.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es (Now that's it)!"
"Then why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!?" yelled the salesgirl.
Dad: "No. Say daddy."
Dad: "Crap! Say daddy!"
Dad: "What did you say?"
Mom: "I'm home!"
Mom: "What? Where did you hear that?"
A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo.
Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?"
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!"
A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?"
The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you."
The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?"
Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"
Did you know the painter Vincent van Gogh had a very large family?
There's his dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, ang Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, WaytoGogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV, Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling, there ya Gogh!
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday. I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Great Catch - I'll Buy You Dinner
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible.
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs. Thanks for looking out for me.
Thankyou for teaching me about bargaining It means a great deal.
Thankyou student loans for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?” I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear. "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks. "No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Why Do You Keep Doing It?
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost 24 hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Little Suzie walks in on her parents making love.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her.
"Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"
"Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out."
The little girl starts laughing.
"What's so funny hunny?" asks her mother.
"You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!"
What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
Did you get Drunk?
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?" He asked, surprised.
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!" "Thankyou sir!"
You Sure That's What You Want?
A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No - think of another wish."
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?"
Susan responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.
It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says, ....oh God, she sounded sexy!!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. You name it, we'll do it. Bring anything you want."
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink.
Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25 year duration.
The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. "Might as well pass the time drunk." He said.
The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. "Might as well have her lovely company." said he, and the loving wife agreed.
The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. "It's the only thing that will calm me down all these years."
They are locked inside, each with his wish.
25 years pass...
It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men.
They open the first prisoner's door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He himself in a corner, wasted and hardly alive.
Then they open the second prisoner's door, and a whole family steps out - babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell.
Then they open the third prisoner's door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand.
"Does anyone," he asks with a broken voice, "have a light?"
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He's inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it's being used, and by whom.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during intercourse," she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
"Um, er... I admire you for your honesty," he continues.
"Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks... ...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
How Could You Afford That?
Three politicians become friends after meeting each other at functions. One is from America, the second from Russia and the third from Brazil.
The American politician decides to invite the two others to his home.
When they get there, the first thing he shows them is his Rolls-Royce.
"Beautiful isn't it?" he asks them.
"Hmm, yes it is" they both admit.
"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the American points in a direction.
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets."
The other two smile and nod in understanding.
A few weeks later, the Russian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for a party.
When they arrive, the two were surprised at how grand it was - it was a regal-looking mansion.
They ask the Russian politician, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?"
The Russian takes them outside, points in a direction and says:
"You see that huge bridge over there? I used inferior materials and got 20% of the costs stashed in my personal account."
The other two are impressed.
A few weeks later, the Brazilian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for dinner.
When they arrive, the two are astonished to see a palatial mansion with a fleet of cars on the front driveway.
"How the heck did you get the money to get all THIS?" asked the Russian.
"Do you see that bridge over there?" pointed the Brazilian politician.
"No," said both, squinting in that direction.
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blond and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.
"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"
Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Did you just ring my doorbell? Well, you can come inside if you want to.
You Are What You Eat
One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street.
One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat.
After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"
The carnivore replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)."
As they stepped off the curb a speeding car came around the corner and ran the vegetarian over. The carnivore called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured vegetarian was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.
After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. "I have good news, and I have bad news." He told the uninjured carnivore.
"The good news is that your friend is going to pull through. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth. He said it was his pleasure.
Honey I Want You to Find Out Everything
A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancé to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he says. "A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says.
"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks: "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers: "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the bloody difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my penis??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I bloody said!"
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thankyou enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him.
When he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer!"
One day, while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father, this place is great, but there is one thing missing," he said.
"What is that my son?" God asked.
"Well, it would be nice to have a mate: I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animals have mates but me.
All I'm asking for is: a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who likes making love like I do, never has a headache, will cook, clean and be at my beck and call morning, noon and night," pleaded Adam.
"Wow, that's a tall order, though perhaps I have just such a creature in mind. But," said the Lord, "it's going to cost you big time."
"Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam
"An arm and a leg," replied God.
Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked: "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”
Michael's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Michael replied...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying: "WHOA, hold on there sweetie...
I haven't added them up yet!"
P.S - Please let us know if you've seen him, we're very worried.
Bill and Marla thought that they had discovered a genius way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 12-year-old son in the apartment.
He was promptly sent out on the balcony and told to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are making love."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Why Are You Calling Me Now?
What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
"9 am," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until 9 am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry. "No, not until 9 am!" said the librarian. "Why do you want to get in before 9 am anyway?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
What do llamas always reply when youthank them? No probllama.
If You Can't Count On Family
Joshua calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is a holiday. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the holiday meal. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Joshua receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Joshua promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Joshua turns to his wife and says, "You were right! They're coming, and we don't even have to pay our half of the tickets!"
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
You Can't Take It With You.
An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family.
Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.
"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said.
"I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."
Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the ENTIRE amount."
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for Cats, which was making its long-anticipated return to Broadway.
Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands kneading into his back. Startled by this blatant intrusion of personal space, he turned around to find out that it was a complete stranger standing in line behind him doing the kneading.
Giving the stranger a stern look, the kneading stopped for a few minutes, but he felt hands working on his back again soon enough.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back, and what on earth makes you think you have the right to do so without asking me first?"
"Oh, I’m so sorry… I'm a chiropractor you see," the man replied, "and sometimes I just can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Well, you should really get a hold of yourself – it’s not appropriate to be touching the backs of random men without their permission," the lawyer shot back.
"In fact, I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing just any old guy in front of me, do you!?"
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thankyou note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thankyou note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
A large woman goes to a plastic surgeon.
"What can I do for you?"
"Well, I really don't want to spend much money, but I want to make my breasts much bigger. How can you do that for me for almost no money?"
The doctor tells her, "You don't need surgery to do that. Just take toilet paper and rub it on your chest every day."
The surprised woman asks, "How does THAT make them bigger?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
When You Drive Erratically
Three buddies are out driving around in a sports car.
It's all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection.
Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly.
Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"
What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.
You May Be Old If...
You may be getting older if...
When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
That's What You Get For Speeding
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner. The guy looked really down, so to cheer him up a bit he said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," came the gloomy answer from the cell. "I'm the groom."
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
Just Get Lost, Will You!?
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, "What do you want? Here's $10. Leave us alone."
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
"Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something."
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself."
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".
To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"
It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed. She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
"What's the matter, honey?" she asks. "Why the heck are you down here at this hour?"
Her husband looks up at her. "Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?"
"Sure." She answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness. "And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?"
"Yes, of course."
"And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said: 'You either marry her or I'll put you in jail for 20 years?"
"Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!?" she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said:"It's just... I would have been out today."
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What You Get For Smoking
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.” Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept. A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey - after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
I got pulled over earlier today...
Cop: “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.”
Me: “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.”
Cop: “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?”
Me: “A car..?”
Cop: “Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?”
Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know.”
Cop: “Just as I suspected, you’ve been drinking.”
Me: “But sir, I didn’t drink anything.”
Cop: “Okay, then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?”
Me: “A motorcycle.”
Cop: “Well DUH. I meant... is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?”
Me: “I have no idea!”
Cop: “Go figure, you’re intoxicated.”
Me: “Okay, then let me ask you this. You’re driving on the highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, high heals, and a bra for a top. What would you call her?”
Cop: “A hooker of course.”
Me: “Yes of course, but is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?”
And long story short things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a "small," $6,500 for a "medium," and $14,000 for a "large."
Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least a medium... and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thankyou, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH!"
A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city's other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.
As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
Tried it Once...
A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.
“No thanks." says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.
"No, thanks." the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.”
Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.
"I suppose you play golf" says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club".
"That's kind of you, but no, thanks." the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it".
Just then a young man enters the office.
"Let me introduce my son, Mike.." says the plant manager.
"Let me guess" the salesman replies with a bitter smile: "An only child?"
A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili. He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.
A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too."
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to the office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison.”
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
A few decades ago there is a restaurant that advertised that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.
A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be total BS, but decides to try it out anyway.
He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"
Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin to eat, please"
Waiter: "Give us just a moment." The waiter leaves to the kitchen.
As a few minutes pass by; the man believes he's going to get an easy $5000 as he thinks they are taking too long and probably preparing something else. At this moment, the waiter returns.
Appearing a little anxious, the waiter asks, "Apologies sir, but do you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?"
The man is stunned. He didn't think they'd get to this moment.
Man: "Uhhh... .An Indian elephant is fine."
Waiter: "Thankyou." The waiter goes back to the kitchen.
1 minute later, the waiter returns again.
Waiter: "And which side did you want the ear from?"
The man is starting to sweat bullets at this point.
Man: "Uhhhhhhhhh.... Left ear, I guess."
"Splendid." Says the waiter and leaves to the kitchen yet again.
The man is scared as he has no idea how much this ear is going to blast away his wallet.
5 minutes later, the waiter comes back with a platter of food and $5000 for the man.
Waiter: "Here is your order sir. Sorry, but we are out of muffins."