A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my behind to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
The International Survey
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure, because...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold. It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
The Stuttering Tortoise
A long time ago, when animals ruled the lands, a band of tortoises made its slow way from their old home, now turned too cold for them, to a new one down south.
Every night they went to sleep and left a guard to call if a predator shows up. Everything went fine until the third night, when Elvi the stuttering tortoise was put on guard duty.
In the middle of the night, he saw a fox, and he started calling out: "Ff...fff...ffff...." but before he could finish the warning, a fox came and snatched one of the tortoises away.
The rest of the tortoises were very angry with Elvi, and so they made him watch again the next night, warning him he better not repeat his mistake.
In the middle of the night, Elvi starts saying "W...wwww.wwwwwoo..." but before he could finish, a wolf comes and snatches another tortoise away.
Now the tortoises are livid. They tell poor Elvi that if this happens again, they will kill him themselves!
So the third night comes, and Elvi sees another fox, and so he calls out: "Ff... ffff... fooooxxxxxxxxxx!!!!!!" He screams it so loud everyone wakes and they fight the fox away.
As a big thank you to Elvi and his keen eyesight, they gathered around him with praise.
He is so happy, he says: "Hip Hip!"
"Hooray!" they all cheer.
"Hooray, hooray hooray!!!"
And then a herd of hippos ran over them.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea? Hey, Seoul Sister!
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance. Hope you enjoy it."
An American man was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig.
He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig.
The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth.
The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".
Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".
The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth.
Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".
The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig.
After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce.
He asks her: "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. Damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
There was this baker from South Carolina Who stuck an eggbeater in her vagina The cakes she would glaze In an orgasmic haze And her screams they would rattle the china.
The Most Important Thing in Life
It was the retirement dinner for Tim Simmons.
He’d lived a long life. When he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten diseases. With the little money he earned from his hard work he immediately donated it back into relief funds for all the places he’d visited.
His coworkers all loved him, ask anyone and they all say he was the most positive and bright man they’d ever met.
This is why it came as no surprise that during his retirement dinner, an angel descended from heaven to speak with him.
“You have lived a giving life, one that many could look up too and many relied on to survive. Because of this, we would like to give you a gift- a long and healthy life, all the wealth you could imagine, or unparalleled wisdom.”
Tim debates between longevity and wisdom for half a breath but very quickly decides he wants unparalleled wisdom.
The angel reaches down, touches his forehead, and leaves without another word.
The guests at the dinner, still in a partial state of shock, stare in silence at the slack jawed man. Eventually, his coworker and closest friend speaks up, “Well? How is it?”
The room was silent for a few seconds while Tim mulled over the question.
“I should’ve chosen the bloody money.” He said.
What’s a good winter tip? Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
The Alcoholic Connoisseur
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's... that's correct.", said the boss, astonished.
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.”
A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was blow away, but in case this was some sort of hoax, he wanted to put the man to a real test. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."