An American man was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig.
He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig.
The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth.
The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".
Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".
The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth.
Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".
The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig.
After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "the women would say, 'what a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say:
'Sorry, I can't do it...It's booked up for a year...'
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow.
The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.
“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.”
“Why’s that?” asked the state trooper that was talking to him.
The farmer paused for a minute before he responded.
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d have decided to lower the highways.”
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter? They were cantaloupe farmers.
The Suspicious Father and his Daughters
There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.
Another Saturday night came around. At about 7 pm., there was a knock on the door. He answered and the young man said,
"Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm taking her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer thought he was a clever boy and wished them a good time.
A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy appeared and said,
"Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. I'm taking her for spaghetti. I hope she's ready."
He thought that he must know Joe, but bade them off as well with his best wishes.
A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.
"Hi, I'm Chuck..."
That was when the farmer shot him.
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and, on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. And, to his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop, however, was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted in shock. When he came to, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
And this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Excuse me, do you have a pen? Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
Employment Conditions at The Ranch
A man owned a small ranch in Montana.
The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
"He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
"He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.
"That would be me." replied the rancher.
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe told his story first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Excellent!" said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.
Next, it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen ... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk."
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
What to Do With a Dead Horse
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days.
A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Joe replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've spent it already."
Joe said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with it?"
Joe said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle a dead horse!"
Joe said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Joe said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece and made a profit of $2495."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Joe said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back."
A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine.
Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.
As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?'
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'
So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'
The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'
The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'
The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says softly, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
A Woman of Good Reason
A farmer took his truck in for repairs. The local mechanic's couldn't do it while he waited: so, as he didn't live far, he said he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem. - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" she asked.
"Well, “ said the farmer, “as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would gladly walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
“Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,” suggested the little old lady, “carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
“Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said. “'Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” “Holy smokes lady!”, the farmer said. “I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
“Well, if you WERE to do such a thing,” the old lady replied, “you would set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I would hold the chickens.”
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This “TRUE” interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?”
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet. I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
The Farmer and the Pig Food
A government man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around".
The man is shocked, he says "Sir that is animal cruelty! I'll have to fine you $10,000!"
The next day another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer replies: "Oh the pigs? Only the finest products sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses and hand picked salads!"
The man is shocked, he says "Sir, that food is way too rich for them, they'll get sick! I'll have to fine you $10,000!"
The third day another man approaches the farmer again and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just give them 20 bucks each and let them shop themselves."
When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk, he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse...
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’
He said: ‘What?’
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’
My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’
My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’
The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’
A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Your Dad Does It Better
A small town man decides to go to the city. He's a self sufficient guy so this is a rare occurrence, however finding himself low on essentials he decides there's nothing for it and heads in.
Being something of a special occasion he takes his youngest child with him, thinking it was the perfect chance to show off his knowledge of the world outside to an eager audience. On the trip in, they chatter away until they arrive at their first stop, the bakery. Pulling up, the little one excitedly asks where they are.
"Why this is John the Baker, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any bread, John makes it for him." The little one stares at him wide eyed and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a small grin he replies "No, mine is better!" And off he went to get the bread.
Arriving at their next stop, the little one again queries where they are. "Why this is Ted's Liquor store, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any beer, Ted makes it for him." The little one stares at him, thinking hard, and asks "is it as good as yours?"
With a bigger grin he replies "no, mine is better!" and off he went to get some beer.
At their final stop, the butcher's shop, the little one thinks the world makes a lot more sense now. "So then Dad..." his smallest child begins, and looks at him expectantly.
"Yes that's right little one. This is Tom the Butcher. And when Dad hasn't made any sausages...." he trails off.
"... Tom makes them for you?" She asks hesitantly. "Yes that's right! You are a smart one!" He exclaimed.
"And yours are better!!" She shouts.
Beaming with pride he says "Exactly!" And away he goes to collect some sausages from Tom.
On the road home they pass the postal truck coming the other way. "Hey Dad!" Exclaimed the little one. "It's Pete the Postman!"
"Yes that's right" said the farmer, but sensing what comes next he quickly continued "but we need Pete, your Dad is a farmer and can do a lot of things but I can't do what Pete does."
"Oh yes!" she replied, "Mum says so too!"
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales? He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
The Milking Machine
A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch, and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he found that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (thank God for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep.
"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
The Farmers and the Logic Test
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded.
Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"Then you're gay."
A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced.
However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said, "Right, I'll make you a deal, let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. You win, I leave, I win, you leave."
The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old-timer entirely and agreed.
"However," the old rooster added. "Since I'm obviously much older, you must wait until I've completed half of the lap before starting so that I have a fair chance."
The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoo-in, so he agreed.
The race started and the older rooster set off, by the halfway mark he was already huffing and puffing, feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up. By the time the older rooster was at the three-quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately. The younger rooster was coming up right behind him and was seconds away from beating him.
When suddenly "BAM!" The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers.
"Darn," the farmer sighed, "Third gay rooster this month."
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it, then leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
English is a funny language, wouldn't you say?
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
4. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegans eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
The Volunteers and the Old Fire Truck
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm.
The county fire department was called to put out the fire.
The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Why We Age the Way We Do
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "You can have the duck."
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes? He's herd them all.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field? Shear luck.
A lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by the sheriff.
"Ma'am, I have to warn you, you have a broken stake on your wheel," says the sheriff.
"Oh dear. I'll let my husband, Jacob know as soon as I get home," she replies.
"That's fine," he continues. "Another thing, ma'am... I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that terrible cruelty to the animal. Have your husband take care of that right away."
The woman thanks him and drives home.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the sheriff.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.
"He said a stake is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in a heartbeat. Said the husband. "What else?"
The wife replied: "I'm not sure, Jacob - something to do with the emergency brakes."
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
A Night With an Alien
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife.
As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.
Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship.
The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.
The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another.
They had been having s*x for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having s*x with a Martian? How does it feel?”
The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his thingy became bigger around.
About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”
The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”
So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his thingy became longer.
The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?”
To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine. “And how about the Martian woman?”
The farmer replied, “She was ok, but my ears are killing me.”
A young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."
It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed. She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
"What's the matter, honey?" she asks. "Why the heck are you down here at this hour?"
Her husband looks up at her. "Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?"
"Sure." She answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness. "And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?"
"Yes, of course."
"And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said: 'You either marry her or I'll put you in jail for 20 years?"
"Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!?" she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said:"It's just... I would have been out today."
The Sheriff wants to arrest me. Can I hide in your house?
I bet your father was a good farmer, because you one fine hoe.
Some People Shouldn't Write Signs!
Some signs either make no sense or too many!
On a bathroom door:
"Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."
In a laundromat:
"Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
In a london department store:
"Bargain basement upstairs."
In an office:
"Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
Please bring it back? Or further steps will be taken."
Outside a secondhand shop:
"We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?'
Notice in health food shop window:
"Closed due to illness."
Spotted in a safari park:
"Elephants please stay in your car."
Seen during a conference:
"For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
There is a day care on the 1st floor."
Notice in a farmer's field:
"The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges."
Message on a leaflet:
"If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
On a repair shop door:
"We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door
The bell doesn't work)."
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
The Rabbi, Holy Man and the Lawyer
Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood...
The pig and the cow.
Three retired gentlemen were sitting together, having coffee and talking about their life's experiences. Then one of the suggests they each relate their most exciting experience.
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, and many damsels in distress to save. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.
The third, a retired undertaker, started, “One night I got a call from the local Hilton hotel to pick up a body. I get to the room with the body, which was under a sheet. So far so good, but when I got a look at the corpse, I had a problem. It had a huge... bulge, if you know what I mean. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that bulge just as hard as I could to make it go down.” He paused.
The retired fireman asked, “ah... no offense, but how was that exciting?”
The undertaker sighed and said, “Turns out... I was in the wrong room.”
Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.
The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."
Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?"
Farmer: "I'm a farmer."
Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?
Without hesitation the farmer says yes. Xi turns to the governor with a smile. But he does not look convinced.
Xi asks the farmer: "if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?"
Immediate yes from the farmer.
The governor then asks if he may asks a question. Xi agrees.
Governor: "if you had two cows, would you give one to the government."
Farmer: "No. Never. Please don't ask me that."
Xi is confused: "But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?"
Farmer: "I actually HAVE two cows."
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the police station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah - L'amour! Zis is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leaped up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex."
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.”
"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British."
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!".
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Rick. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Rick said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Rick's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now, what the heck would YOU say?"
A traveling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse. The farmer says, "You can spend the night but you'll have to share a room with my daughter."
The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father's shoulder.
"Oh, I don't mind that," exclaims the salesman.
"Just one thing," says the farmer. "No funny business. If you touch her, I'll kill you."
"Oh no sir," says the salesman. "You can count on me!"
Just to be safe, the farmer builds a wall of eggs between the two beds in the daughter's room. To get through, one of them would have to break them. However, In the middle of the night, the salesman can no longer control himself, busts through the eggs and he and the willing farmer's daughter spend some passionate time together. They break all the eggs in the process.
When they're done, they spend the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one and rebuilding the wall. They couldn't get the yolks in so they just glued the shells together and threw away the rest, so there was a wall of empty eggs.
The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter's room and takes a couple of eggs to the kitchen to make breakfast. However, all the eggs he tries turn out empty. When the salesman wakes up, he goes down and is surprised to find the farmer staring out the window at his chickens, holding a shotgun.
"What are you doing?" asked the man.
The farmer continues to stare. "I think one of my roosters is using a condom."
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Something Wrong With the Horse
A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields.
Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it.
The farmer said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good."
The guy said, "He looks just fine. Tell you what, I'll give you $1,000 for him."
The farmer again said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good."
The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500.
The farmer said, "Well, he doesn't look so good but if you want him that much he's yours."
So the guy bought the horse and took him home.
The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad. He shouted at the farmer, "Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!"
The farmer calmly said, "I told you he didn't look too good, didn't I?"
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face.
So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away!
So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.
Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you."
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
The Years We Have
When God created the dog, he said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years."
The dog replied: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw that it was good.
When God created the monkey, he said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again, saw that it was good.
When God created the cow he said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long, work under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was very good.
When God created man, he said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty plus the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? That makes eighty years, okay?"
God agreed. And that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we look like a wizened monkey and do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture? a COWch.
The Blond Detective
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad - the new blond recruit, wants the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Chad, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. perhaps he has a creative mind.
"Now Chad, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
"Hey Chad! How was it?"
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow? He wanted chocolate milk.
The Ventriloquist and the Farmer
A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"
The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could
speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."
So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist.
The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "Sheep lie, ya' know."
Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.
And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.
They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
How to Prevent Pregnancy
A pretty blond woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse.
She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
5 years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about 5 years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Then let's take these bloody things off!"
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years.
When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in - maybe they'll do something for your pet."
Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?"
"Oh, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic??"
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
The Politicians and the Old Farmer
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
Somehow, some of the politicians survived, and continued to plead for someone to rescue them from beneath the earth.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
"Well," The old farmer replied with a thoughtful expression, "some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
A Series of Coincidences
A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, " It is a special day for me. I am celebrating." "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.
"What a coincidence." Smiled the woman.
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's.
When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!"
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby, while cute, had the ugliest face he ever saw. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."